If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

My gran died suddenly at her 100th birthday party. We were bitterly disappointed because we’d only got halfway through the bumps with her.

Some people think Dave Challinor is going to Stockport

Why can't you get a therapist in Stockport?

Because everyone is still traumatised by the playoff semi final!

I'm not saying Stockport's rough, but I went to a pub quiz there once - and the first question was who the fuck are you looking at...

Why were the Stockport players speeding on the motorway??
They were trying to get three points.

I’ve heard the highest rate of mortality in Stockport is dying in your sleep at an home game.

I asked a lass from Stockport what she used for protection during sex, and she pointed to a bus shelter...

Two fish in a tank.
One says to the other "how do you drive this thing"

where can you get safe sex in stockport. catch the train to another town.

i heard manchester is getting a new zoo....they're putting a fence up around stockport...

I was reunited with my old flame yesterday

She's been in prison 10 years for arson!

I visited my mate in hospital yesterday, poor man was hit by a car.

His names Jay Walker if anyone here knows him.

The wife said to me the other day "My mother thinks you're effeminate."
I said, "Compared to 'er I am."

Why doesn't the UK have a branch of the KKK?

Because cricket already has the market covered!

Did you hear the Kaizer Chiefs are touring Portland Oregon?

They predict a riot!!!

I'm that skint I opened the first door of my advent calendar and a bailiff jumped out.

Random thoughts over the weekend -

Doppelbanger - when your new boyfriend / girlfriend looks just like your last one.

TV Feud - After Ann Robinson fell over on set Rachel Riley suggested that the first 'O' in the name of the programme be removed.

What's the worst part about Boris Johnson taking his friends to Peppa Pig world?

The fact people have to witness David Cameron masturbating in public.

Did you know Keir Starmer was at my 10th birthday party uninvited?

I asked him why he came, and he told he enjoys joining random parties for no reason.

Fair enough I suppose.

in a few years time boris will ban the cliff richard song, carrie doesn,t live here anymore.

What is Fulham's favourite Cheryl Cole song?

Parachute.

"Im not sure how long I've got these days I don't even dare buy a green banana."
Barry Cryer.
Brilliant guy.

Due to Brexit the price of incontinence pads have risen.

They now cost a tena.

What is nasal sex?

Fuck knows.