One Liners 3rd edition!

[derwent]

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

[Snowy]

My gran died suddenly at her 100th birthday party. We were bitterly disappointed because we’d only got halfway through the bumps with her.

[Brasil Brush]

Some people think Dave Challinor is going to Stockport

[Brasil Brush]

Why can't you get a therapist in Stockport?

Because everyone is still traumatised by the playoff semi final!

[Kenny Bottles]

I'm not saying Stockport's rough, but I went to a pub quiz there once - and the first question was who the fuck are you looking at...

[derwent]

Why were the Stockport players speeding on the motorway??
They were trying to get three points.

[Snowy]

I’ve heard the highest rate of mortality in Stockport is dying in your sleep at an home game.

[Kenny Bottles]

I asked a lass from Stockport what she used for protection during sex, and she pointed to a bus shelter...

[Bluestreak]

Two fish in a tank.
One says to the other "how do you drive this thing"

[accrington fan]

where can you get safe sex in stockport. catch the train to another town.

[poolie1]

i heard manchester is getting a new zoo....they're putting a fence up around stockport...

[Brasil Brush]

I was reunited with my old flame yesterday

She's been in prison 10 years for arson!

[Brasil Brush]

I visited my mate in hospital yesterday, poor man was hit by a car.

His names Jay Walker if anyone here knows him.

[Ozzy Saltburn]

The wife said to me the other day "My mother thinks you're effeminate."
I said, "Compared to 'er I am."

[Brasil Brush]

Why doesn't the UK have a branch of the KKK?

Because cricket already has the market covered!

[Brasil Brush]

Did you hear the Kaizer Chiefs are touring Portland Oregon?

They predict a riot!!!

[derwent]

I'm that skint I opened the first door of my advent calendar and a bailiff jumped out.

[Sloop]

Random thoughts over the weekend -

Doppelbanger - when your new boyfriend / girlfriend looks just like your last one.

TV Feud - After Ann Robinson fell over on set Rachel Riley suggested that the first 'O' in the name of the programme be removed.

[Brasil Brush]

What's the worst part about Boris Johnson taking his friends to Peppa Pig world?

The fact people have to witness David Cameron masturbating in public.

[Brasil Brush]

Did you know Keir Starmer was at my 10th birthday party uninvited?

I asked him why he came, and he told he enjoys joining random parties for no reason.

Fair enough I suppose.

[accrington fan]

in a few years time boris will ban the cliff richard song, carrie doesn,t live here anymore.

[Brasil Brush]

What is Fulham's favourite Cheryl Cole song?

Parachute.

[Bluestreak]

"Im not sure how long I've got these days I don't even dare buy a green banana."
Barry Cryer.
Brilliant guy.

[Brasil Brush]

Due to Brexit the price of incontinence pads have risen.

They now cost a tena.

[Brasil Brush]

What is nasal sex?

Fuck knows.

[Brian Honour's Left Foot]

Sure do miss Monkeybutt.

Made my morning finding this old thread - even Hartleblue was funny! And Bluestreak!!

[Snowy]

Remember him going on a bout Dyson cleaners because I said ours was useless…he said he could make it work I said he couldn’t and if he wants it he can have it….he turned up and took it …sadly he died not long afterwards…those two imposters laughter and tears.

[Snowy]

Keep up the tradition…

I asked the wife what she’d like most for Xmas
She said ..A widows pension.

[Brian Honour's Left Foot]

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

[Brian Honour's Left Foot]

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

[Brian Honour's Left Foot]

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

[Brian Honour's Left Foot]

I just got a personal trainer. She’s horrible to me but my body goal is a thicker skin.

[Brian Honour's Left Foot]

We named our children War and Peace – it’s a long story.