I was struggling to get my wife’s attention.
So I sat down on the couch and looked comfortable, that did the trick.

My wife thinks we should sleep in separate beds!
Great idea
I`ve chosen Carol`s at no 23.

is that true?

Nope, lesbians at 23.

A fortune teller told me I’d suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

Bono and the Edge walk into a bar.
The barmaid says not you two again.

An elephant, a lobster and an Indian are hit by a lorry, which is the odd one out?

The elephant.

The other 2 are crushed asians

So the elephant must have been an African not an Indian elephant.

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.

I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.

What's the difference between a bachelor & a married man?

Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed.
Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?
Unbelievable.

I spent £5000 on a boob job for the wife, she was delighted, I spent another £2000 on a nose job for her she was ecstatic. I spent £2000 on liposuction for her, she was over the moon.
I spent £30 on a blow job for myself.She goes fucking mental....... Women?!?!?!..

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
Wife: whatever means necessary.
Me: No it doesn’t.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can’t remember either.

To save you googling it`s Affagato!

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow". I said" your obviously not fucking listening"!

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men.
We’re losing £1 for every 79p women are losing.

When a woman says "what?" It's not because she didn't hear you. She's just giving you a chance to change what you said.

My wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she hit with was on his phone and drinking a beer.

The police said the man can do whatever he wants in his own living room.

I'm really missing the Butts jokes on here

Yes me too and if pools get the fridges fixed over the summer I will be doubly pissed off.

Why does Morrisey hate chicken crossing the road jokes?

Because that yolk isn't funny anymore.

I wonder if Pen Farthing ever served alongside Rick Shaw...

I heard Corey from Coronation Street has a sister who also plays in a soap opera. She's called Emma Dale.

how can you really satisfy a woman in bed. promise to go to the shops next day and buy her something new to wear.

when katy price dies they will donate her body for further use with the reliant robin owners club.

An old lady went to visit her dentist

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants and raised her legs.

The dentist said "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist"

"I know said the old lady"

"I want you to take my husband's teeth out . . .

Man goes to the doctors and says "I can't say my F's my T's or my H's"

The doctor says "You can't say fairer than that then"

Man : doctor, I can't stop eating paper!

Doctor: Might I reccomend the readers digest?

You can say a lot of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

I hear Adam Johnson is linked with a move to Ligue 1.

FC Nantes apparently.

The wife just found out i had replaced the bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.

Did you know Phil McCann used to report on the hospitality sector during the covid pandemic?

He used a pseudonym though, Scott Chegg.

I'd make a joke about the petrol crisis, but I'd just be adding fuel to the fire...

Which Spice Girl can still get petrol?
Geri can.”

I put so much petrol in my car last night...
... that I couldn’t get in.

With petrol prices now at £1.40 a litre
...it's actually cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere instead!

If you take out the full stops its a one liner.

I was on the highway when my car broke down. I looked at the indicator, and I saw I ran out of petrol. Suddenly a talking bee outside my window said "oh you ran out of petrol" I replied "yeah". The bee replied "I can fix that, I'll get my friends hold on". After a few minutes I see my gas fill up. I asked the bee "what did you put in my car". The bee said "BP"

What do bees and hornets have in common? Both like sacking managers!

Why don't geordies ever go on Play Your Cards Right?

Because they want Brucie Out!

They don't broadcast "The Flinstones" on TV in Kuwait, but Abu Dhabi do...

What's the No. 1 cause of Divorce?




Marriage

Sure do miss Monkeybutt.