The Poolie Bunker

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon May 25, 2020 8:29 pm

I was struggling to get my wife’s attention.
So I sat down on the couch and looked comfortable, that did the trick.

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon May 25, 2020 8:51 pm

My wife thinks we should sleep in separate beds!
Great idea
I`ve chosen Carol`s at no 23.

by **Bluestreak** » Mon May 25, 2020 9:09 pm

Monkeybutt wrote:My wife thinks we should sleep in separate beds!
Great idea
I`ve chosen Carol`s at no 23.

is that true?

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon May 25, 2020 9:59 pm

Bluestreak wrote:
Monkeybutt wrote:My wife thinks we should sleep in separate beds!
Great idea
I`ve chosen Carol`s at no 23.

is that true?

Nope, lesbians at 23.

by **Monkeybutt** » Tue May 26, 2020 12:27 pm

A fortune teller told me I’d suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

by **Bluestreak** » Tue May 26, 2020 5:31 pm

Bono and the Edge walk into a bar.
The barmaid says not you two again.

by **Monkeybutt** » Tue May 26, 2020 7:19 pm

An elephant, a lobster and an Indian are hit by a lorry, which is the odd one out?

The elephant.

The other 2 are crushed asians bbolt

by **Bluestreak** » Tue May 26, 2020 8:12 pm

Monkeybutt wrote:An elephant, a lobster and an Indian are hit by a lorry, which is the odd one out?

The elephant.

The other 2 are crushed asians

So the elephant must have been an African not an Indian elephant.

by **Bluestreak** » Wed May 27, 2020 10:24 am

dog.jpg

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri May 29, 2020 12:20 pm

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri May 29, 2020 12:22 pm

I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.

by **Monkeybutt** » Sat May 30, 2020 9:11 am

What's the difference between a bachelor & a married man?

Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed.
Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

by **Monkeybutt** » Sun May 31, 2020 10:39 am

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?
Unbelievable.

by **Monkeybutt** » Sun May 31, 2020 4:20 pm

I spent £5000 on a boob job for the wife, she was delighted, I spent another £2000 on a nose job for her she was ecstatic. I spent £2000 on liposuction for her, she was over the moon.
I spent £30 on a blow job for myself.She goes fucking mental....... Women?!?!?!..

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jun 01, 2020 1:57 pm

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
Wife: whatever means necessary.
Me: No it doesn’t.

by **Monkeybutt** » Tue Jun 02, 2020 6:02 pm

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

by **Monkeybutt** » Wed Jun 03, 2020 1:28 pm

What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can’t remember either.

To save you googling it`s Affagato!

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Jun 04, 2020 3:31 pm

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Jun 05, 2020 12:02 pm

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Jun 05, 2020 6:53 pm

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow". I said" your obviously not fucking listening"!

by **Monkeybutt** » Sat Jun 06, 2020 4:59 pm

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men.
We’re losing £1 for every 79p women are losing.

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jul 06, 2020 9:13 pm

When a woman says "what?" It's not because she didn't hear you. She's just giving you a chance to change what you said.

by **Monkeybutt** » Tue Jul 14, 2020 1:18 pm

My wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she hit with was on his phone and drinking a beer.

The police said the man can do whatever he wants in his own living room.

by **Hartleblue** » Wed Aug 12, 2020 3:02 pm

I'm really missing the Butts jokes on here

by **Bluestreak** » Wed Aug 12, 2020 3:07 pm

Yes me too and if pools get the fridges fixed over the summer I will be doubly pissed off.

by **Brasil Brush** » Sun Aug 22, 2021 10:44 pm

Why does Morrisey hate chicken crossing the road jokes?

Because that yolk isn't funny anymore.

by **Brasil Brush** » Fri Aug 27, 2021 2:31 pm

I wonder if Pen Farthing ever served alongside Rick Shaw...

by **Brasil Brush** » Sat Sep 11, 2021 12:18 am

I heard Corey from Coronation Street has a sister who also plays in a soap opera. She's called Emma Dale.

by **accrington fan** » Sat Sep 11, 2021 9:09 am

how can you really satisfy a woman in bed. promise to go to the shops next day and buy her something new to wear.

by **accrington fan** » Sat Sep 11, 2021 9:13 am

when katy price dies they will donate her body for further use with the reliant robin owners club.

by **Critical Thinking** » Sat Sep 11, 2021 8:00 pm

An old lady went to visit her dentist

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants and raised her legs.

The dentist said "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist"

"I know said the old lady"

"I want you to take my husband's teeth out . . .

by **KeithNobbsBigToe** » Sat Sep 11, 2021 8:49 pm

Man goes to the doctors and says "I can't say my F's my T's or my H's"

The doctor says "You can't say fairer than that then"

by **Brasil Brush** » Sat Sep 11, 2021 8:59 pm

Man : doctor, I can't stop eating paper!

Doctor: Might I reccomend the readers digest?

by **Hartleblue** » Thu Sep 16, 2021 2:18 pm

You can say a lot of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

by **Brasil Brush** » Thu Sep 16, 2021 2:25 pm

I hear Adam Johnson is linked with a move to Ligue 1.

FC Nantes apparently.

by **Bluestreak** » Wed Sep 22, 2021 4:46 pm

The wife just found out i had replaced the bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.

by **Brasil Brush** » Tue Sep 28, 2021 4:53 pm

Did you know Phil McCann used to report on the hospitality sector during the covid pandemic?

He used a pseudonym though, Scott Chegg.

by **Brasil Brush** » Tue Sep 28, 2021 5:02 pm

I'd make a joke about the petrol crisis, but I'd just be adding fuel to the fire...

by **Bluestreak** » Tue Sep 28, 2021 5:17 pm

Which Spice Girl can still get petrol?
Geri can.”

by **Bluestreak** » Tue Sep 28, 2021 5:18 pm

I put so much petrol in my car last night...
... that I couldn’t get in.

by **Brasil Brush** » Tue Sep 28, 2021 5:19 pm

Bluestreak wrote:Which Spice Girl can still get petrol?
Geri can.”

by **Bluestreak** » Tue Sep 28, 2021 5:21 pm

With petrol prices now at £1.40 a litre
...it's actually cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere instead!

by **Bluestreak** » Tue Sep 28, 2021 5:24 pm

If you take out the full stops its a one liner.

I was on the highway when my car broke down. I looked at the indicator, and I saw I ran out of petrol. Suddenly a talking bee outside my window said "oh you ran out of petrol" I replied "yeah". The bee replied "I can fix that, I'll get my friends hold on". After a few minutes I see my gas fill up. I asked the bee "what did you put in my car". The bee said "BP"

by **Brasil Brush** » Sun Oct 03, 2021 2:48 pm

What do bees and hornets have in common? Both like sacking managers!

by **Brasil Brush** » Mon Oct 04, 2021 12:36 pm

Why don't geordies ever go on Play Your Cards Right?

Because they want Brucie Out!

by **Kenny Bottles** » Mon Oct 04, 2021 4:53 pm

They don't broadcast "The Flinstones" on TV in Kuwait, but Abu Dhabi do...

by **Flying Hogans** » Mon Oct 04, 2021 5:24 pm

Go Ask Alice wrote:They don't broadcast "The Flinstones" on TV in Kuwait, but Abu Dhabi do...

by **Brasil Brush** » Mon Oct 04, 2021 6:34 pm

Go Ask Alice wrote:They don't broadcast "The Flinstones" on TV in Kuwait, but Abu Dhabi do...

by **Critical Thinking** » Mon Oct 04, 2021 7:26 pm

What's the No. 1 cause of Divorce?

Marriage

by **Snowy** » Tue Oct 05, 2021 1:39 pm

Sure do miss Monkeybutt.

The Poolie Bunker

Gadgies online