The Poolie Bunker

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Sep 02, 2019 12:56 pm

I was at work this morning and 1 of the girls said ' Mm you smell nice, what have you got on'?
I said ' a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it's
Currently in HR!

by **Kenny Bottles** » Tue Sep 03, 2019 1:54 am

I can honestly say that I've never took an ugly bewer to bed.

Mind, I've woken-up next to a few...

by **Kenny Bottles** » Wed Sep 04, 2019 4:36 pm

Does anyone else remember Pools nearly signing that Dutch international back in 70s...?

Salford Van Hire.

by **Bluestreak** » Wed Sep 04, 2019 4:43 pm

"There’s only one chlorinated chicken that I can see in this house, and he’s on that bench.” BJ to JC

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Sep 05, 2019 9:53 pm

I paid a carpenter up front to make me a double bed and the fucker did a bunk !

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Sep 06, 2019 1:43 pm

The results of the Three Musketeers Football League are in:
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-4

by **Kenny Bottles** » Sat Sep 07, 2019 3:46 pm

Father in law's been showing off his new hearing aid. "State of the art, cost me a fortune" he said

So I asked him, "What type is it?"

"Half two"

by **MutleyRules** » Sun Sep 08, 2019 12:30 am

by **Monkeybutt** » Sun Sep 08, 2019 11:49 pm

For Sale - George Foreman grill and Mohammed Ali DVD`s- both boxed.

by **Monkeybutt** » Tue Sep 10, 2019 9:55 am

Instead of wasting money on costly egg timers simply boil your egg to perfection by getting in your car and driving at 60 mph for exactly 3 miles.
When you reach the 3 mile mark call your wife and tell her to take it out the pan.

by **Monkeybutt** » Tue Sep 10, 2019 10:16 am

Man: You’re a bit fat aren’t you.
Women: Tell me something I don’t know!
Man: Salad taste’s nice.

by **RemotePoolie** » Tue Sep 10, 2019 8:24 pm

Breaking news : lost Russian king's body found in Egypt!

Recovered from a Tsar-cophagus.

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Sep 12, 2019 10:26 am

My wife said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side.
So I went out crashed the car, bought 2 pairs of shoes I'll never wear and stopped speaking to her for no apparent reason.

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Sep 16, 2019 11:45 pm

I am pleased to announce that after three years hard work I have been awarded a first class degree in Salad Preparation.
I now have lettuce after my name.

by **Kenny Bottles** » Thu Sep 19, 2019 9:56 pm

Just heard that Louise Woodward has been appointed by McDonalds as the new Vice President of their ''Special Promotions'' team.

Starting next Monday, all toddlers will get a free shake...

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Sep 20, 2019 8:28 am

Go Ask Alice wrote:Just heard that Louise Woodward has been appointed by McDonalds as the new Vice President of their ''Special Promotions'' team.

Starting next Monday, all toddlers will get a free shake...

by **Monkeybutt** » Sat Sep 28, 2019 6:43 pm

Just found out I have a half sister, bastard shark!

by **Monkeybutt** » Sat Sep 28, 2019 6:54 pm

Up Newcastle here, Fella has just walked into a barbers and asked for a perm. Barber says “I wandered lernley as a cloud...”

by **Kenny Bottles** » Wed Oct 02, 2019 12:34 pm

Just heard that Liverpool and Las Vegas are going to be twinned.

The only two cities where you can exchange chips for sex...

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Oct 11, 2019 9:44 am

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three, he says " Uno, dos" *Poof*... he disappeared without a Tres!

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Oct 11, 2019 9:53 am

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Oct 14, 2019 5:11 pm

Called the wife, "Hey babe, I'm at the hospital, I cut off my finger."
"Oh no, the whole finger?" she asked.
"No, no..." I replied, "the one next to it."...

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Oct 24, 2019 9:49 pm

Insomnia is no fun but on the plus side....
Only three more sleeps till Christmas!

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Oct 25, 2019 3:00 pm

Just burnt my Hawaiian pizza

Will make sure it on Aloha temperature next time.

by **Monkeybutt** » Tue Nov 05, 2019 12:08 pm

I just phoned the tinnitus help line, but it just keeps ringing.

by **Monkeybutt** » Tue Nov 05, 2019 7:35 pm

Frankensteins wife was moaning that he never helps out in the kitchen,

he said, " I did the Mash"!

by **PJPoolie** » Tue Nov 05, 2019 8:12 pm

Frankenstein was the inventor not the Monster.

HTH.

by **Kenny Bottles** » Fri Nov 08, 2019 7:55 pm

Q. What happened to the choir boy who tied one of the church-bell ropes around his cock...?

A. The priest caught him doing it, and tolled him off..

by **Kenny Bottles** » Wed Nov 13, 2019 8:13 pm

Just got our-lass some incontinence pants off ebay.

Only cost me a Tena...

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Nov 14, 2019 10:52 am

When Paul Young used to visit me he always stole a piece of chicken, pork or beef from my fridge on his way out.

When I stopped inviting him he asked me why, I said every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you.

by **kevin pooles gloves** » Wed Nov 20, 2019 9:10 am

How does a bondi beach lifeguard empty the beach?

Go on the tannoy and say warning.
Fucken Len Fairclough has just turned up. bbolt

by **Kenny Bottles** » Sat Nov 23, 2019 2:43 am

Our lass asked me tonight what I associated most with the first night we had a shag. She was pretty surprised when I told her it was Stevie Wonder, and demanded to know why.

"Well pet," I replied. "I was up, it was tight, and so everything was all right"...

by **Kenny Bottles** » Sun Nov 24, 2019 5:55 pm

Although originally from Rift House, I am now exiled in Shotton Colliery.

I'm not saying it's rough, but Rose West is turning the Christmas lights on this year...

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Dec 05, 2019 10:05 am

I've been invited to the RNLI's Christmas party

I'm quite looking forward to it - they really know how to push the boat out!

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Dec 05, 2019 1:21 pm

A friend of mine has asked if I could help re-turf an entire field so he can stage a civil war re-enactment at the weekend.
Sod that for a game of soldiers.

by **Monkeybutt** » Sun Dec 08, 2019 11:49 am

I scared the postman today by showing up at the door completely naked.

I`m not sure what scared him more, the fact I was naked or that I knew where he lived!

by **Monkeybutt** » Tue Dec 10, 2019 4:43 pm

William Shatner has cancelled his launch of ladies underwear, his marketing company convinced him the 'Shatner Panties' range was a mistake!

by **Kenny Bottles** » Sat Dec 14, 2019 12:48 am

Our lass reckons that on the night Jeremy Corbyn seduced Diane Abbott, she asked him to give her twelve inches and drive her insane.

So he shagged her four times, and bought her a maths book...

by **Monkeybutt** » Sat Dec 21, 2019 10:15 am

Hoping my mate's girlfriend gets back from the Ukraine before the 25th December.... No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas..

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Dec 26, 2019 4:50 pm

Ate some Christmas decoration last night,

woke up with Tinsilitis bbolt

by **Hartleblue** » Thu Dec 26, 2019 5:45 pm

Pools are going to get promotion!

by **Monkeybutt** » Sat Dec 28, 2019 12:00 pm

It was 11 years ago today that my friend Neil came out of the room shouting, "It`s a boy, it`s a boy" with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

by **Hartleblue** » Sat Dec 28, 2019 12:03 pm

Monkeybutt wrote:It was 11 years ago today that my friend Neil came out of the room shouting, "It`s a boy, it`s a boy" with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Dec 30, 2019 5:08 pm

Just been to specsavers, as from Wednesday I will have 20/20 vision, jackpot :dance:

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jan 13, 2020 2:17 pm

My brother was born without eyelids so the they circumcised him and used the foreskin to graft him some, the procedure worked but he has been cockeyed ever since.

by **Monkeybutt** » Sun Mar 15, 2020 1:23 pm

What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can’t opener

by **Monkeybutt** » Sun Mar 15, 2020 1:24 pm

As I was late to the cannibal feast,
I was given the cold shoulder.

by **Monkeybutt** » Sun Mar 15, 2020 1:25 pm

I bought a Womble pepper grinder today, it’s rubbish,
everything’s either Underground or Overground.

by **Kenny Bottles** » Thu Mar 26, 2020 2:44 pm

I've just asked our lass to put her Nurse's uniform on. She smiled, ran her fingers slowly down my chest and purred "Are you horny pet"...?

"No." I replied.

"We need some fucking bread"...

by **Bluestreak** » Mon Apr 20, 2020 9:51 am

Good to see Locksmiths have been added to the list of key worker.

The Poolie Bunker

Gadgies online