I was at work this morning and 1 of the girls said ' Mm you smell nice, what have you got on'?
I said ' a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it's
Currently in HR!

I can honestly say that I've never took an ugly bewer to bed.

Mind, I've woken-up next to a few...

Does anyone else remember Pools nearly signing that Dutch international back in 70s...?

Salford Van Hire.

"There’s only one chlorinated chicken that I can see in this house, and he’s on that bench.” BJ to JC

I paid a carpenter up front to make me a double bed and the fucker did a bunk !

The results of the Three Musketeers Football League are in:
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-4

Father in law's been showing off his new hearing aid. "State of the art, cost me a fortune" he said

So I asked him, "What type is it?"

"Half two"

For Sale - George Foreman grill and Mohammed Ali DVD`s- both boxed.

Instead of wasting money on costly egg timers simply boil your egg to perfection by getting in your car and driving at 60 mph for exactly 3 miles.
When you reach the 3 mile mark call your wife and tell her to take it out the pan.

Man: You’re a bit fat aren’t you.
Women: Tell me something I don’t know!
Man: Salad taste’s nice.

Breaking news : lost Russian king's body found in Egypt!

Recovered from a Tsar-cophagus.

My wife said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side.
So I went out crashed the car, bought 2 pairs of shoes I'll never wear and stopped speaking to her for no apparent reason.

I am pleased to announce that after three years hard work I have been awarded a first class degree in Salad Preparation.
I now have lettuce after my name.

Just heard that Louise Woodward has been appointed by McDonalds as the new Vice President of their ''Special Promotions'' team.

Starting next Monday, all toddlers will get a free shake...

Just found out I have a half sister, bastard shark!

Up Newcastle here, Fella has just walked into a barbers and asked for a perm. Barber says “I wandered lernley as a cloud...”

Just heard that Liverpool and Las Vegas are going to be twinned.

The only two cities where you can exchange chips for sex...

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three, he says " Uno, dos" *Poof*... he disappeared without a Tres!

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle

Called the wife, "Hey babe, I'm at the hospital, I cut off my finger."
"Oh no, the whole finger?" she asked.
"No, no..." I replied, "the one next to it."...

Insomnia is no fun but on the plus side....
Only three more sleeps till Christmas!

Just burnt my Hawaiian pizza

Will make sure it on Aloha temperature next time.

I just phoned the tinnitus help line, but it just keeps ringing.

Frankensteins wife was moaning that he never helps out in the kitchen,

he said, " I did the Mash"!

Frankenstein was the inventor not the Monster.

HTH.

Q. What happened to the choir boy who tied one of the church-bell ropes around his cock...?

A. The priest caught him doing it, and tolled him off..

Just got our-lass some incontinence pants off ebay.

Only cost me a Tena...

When Paul Young used to visit me he always stole a piece of chicken, pork or beef from my fridge on his way out.

When I stopped inviting him he asked me why, I said every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you.

How does a bondi beach lifeguard empty the beach?







Go on the tannoy and say warning.
Fucken Len Fairclough has just turned up.

Our lass asked me tonight what I associated most with the first night we had a shag. She was pretty surprised when I told her it was Stevie Wonder, and demanded to know why.

"Well pet," I replied. "I was up, it was tight, and so everything was all right"...

Although originally from Rift House, I am now exiled in Shotton Colliery.

I'm not saying it's rough, but Rose West is turning the Christmas lights on this year...

I've been invited to the RNLI's Christmas party

I'm quite looking forward to it - they really know how to push the boat out!

A friend of mine has asked if I could help re-turf an entire field so he can stage a civil war re-enactment at the weekend.
Sod that for a game of soldiers.

I scared the postman today by showing up at the door completely naked.

I`m not sure what scared him more, the fact I was naked or that I knew where he lived!

William Shatner has cancelled his launch of ladies underwear, his marketing company convinced him the 'Shatner Panties' range was a mistake!

Our lass reckons that on the night Jeremy Corbyn seduced Diane Abbott, she asked him to give her twelve inches and drive her insane.

So he shagged her four times, and bought her a maths book...

Hoping my mate's girlfriend gets back from the Ukraine before the 25th December.... No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas..

Ate some Christmas decoration last night,

woke up with Tinsilitis

Pools are going to get promotion!

It was 11 years ago today that my friend Neil came out of the room shouting, "It`s a boy, it`s a boy" with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

Just been to specsavers, as from Wednesday I will have 20/20 vision, jackpot

My brother was born without eyelids so the they circumcised him and used the foreskin to graft him some, the procedure worked but he has been cockeyed ever since.

What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can’t opener

As I was late to the cannibal feast,
I was given the cold shoulder.

I bought a Womble pepper grinder today, it’s rubbish,
everything’s either Underground or Overground.

I've just asked our lass to put her Nurse's uniform on. She smiled, ran her fingers slowly down my chest and purred "Are you horny pet"...?

"No." I replied.

"We need some fucking bread"...

Good to see Locksmiths have been added to the list of key worker.