The Poolie Bunker

by **PJPoolie** » Mon Jun 17, 2019 2:26 pm

So his mother in law is married to his Dad?

Or I’m probably going down the incest route and assuming he’s married to his sister.

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jun 17, 2019 3:52 pm

Keep it in the family!

by **bazza7** » Mon Jun 17, 2019 6:01 pm

I enjoy your jokes Mr Butt. Some literally made me LOL. Keep it up. As you say why are people who are offended by the jokes opening the thread.

by **Monkeybutt** » Tue Jun 18, 2019 1:43 pm

The wife asked me where I want to be buried.

Apparently balls deep in her sister was the wrong answer!

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Jun 21, 2019 9:01 am

I learnt two things yesterday:

1. Sex on a kitchen appliance can be wild and exciting.

2. The staff in Currys PC World are quite narrow-minded.

by **Monkeybutt** » Sun Jun 23, 2019 8:33 am

The wife was watching a cookery show, I said ' why you watching this you cant bastard cook"?
She said" well you watch porn ya fat bastard"!

by **Monkeybutt** » Sun Jun 23, 2019 12:27 pm

I applied for a job as a joke explainer but I didn't get it.

by **Monkeybutt** » Sun Jun 23, 2019 12:39 pm

Just been turned down for a job at Gelatos cant do sundaes!

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jun 24, 2019 10:51 am

I cant remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals!

IM LIVID

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Jun 27, 2019 2:36 pm

Went on a positive thinking course yesterday.

It was shit.

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Jun 27, 2019 2:48 pm

I once dated a girl with a twin.
People used to ask how I tell them apart, it was simple really as Jill wore purple nail varnish and Dave had a cock

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Jun 28, 2019 9:34 pm

Having bought a vintage Rolls Royce, the budget didn’t cover a driver,
so I spent all that money, and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

by **Montpoolier** » Fri Jun 28, 2019 10:48 pm

Monkeybutt wrote:so I spent all that money, and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

Yes you have. You've got a world class dangling participle.

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jul 01, 2019 11:28 am

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.
It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jul 01, 2019 11:30 am

I just booked a Chinese Journey tribute act to sing at my funeral - All together now "Don't stop bereaving!"

by **Monkeybutt** » Tue Jul 02, 2019 10:51 am

The other day, an attendant stopped me in a hospital car park to tell me, "You can't park here. It's badge holders only."

I replied, "But I have a bad shoulder."

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Jul 04, 2019 10:50 am

Even though I`m completely bald, I still keeps the comb I`ve had for nearly twenty years...

I just can't part with it.

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Jul 05, 2019 9:44 am

I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night.
She asked "Do you have a nickname?"
I answered "Yes, it's sledge"
"Is it because you are smooth ride?" She giggled.
"No" came my reply, "It's because I'm always being pulled by dogs"

by **Monkeybutt** » Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:40 pm

Got in a fight with 4 blokes last night but luckily managed to knock one out.

Probably not the best time to have a wank but it could have been my last!

by **Monkeybutt** » Wed Jul 10, 2019 11:39 am

Magician: "I can make anything disappear
Tom: (Holding cup) "Make my tea disappear
Magician: "Shazam"
om: "Nothing happened"

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jul 15, 2019 7:05 pm

The man who stole my diary has passed away.

My thoughts are with his family!

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Jul 18, 2019 10:50 am

Before my surgery, my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation!

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:10 am

I got the sack from the Dermatology Clinic for misdiagnosing shingles...

Which I thought was a little rash.

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jul 22, 2019 10:31 am

Finally found out who's been stealing my beetroot........ caught them red handed!

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jul 22, 2019 10:46 am

A photographer tragically died this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him...

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him.

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jul 22, 2019 11:13 am

I went into Curry`s and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jul 22, 2019 1:35 pm

I went to my mates funeral today. He was tragically killed playing tennis when a ball hit him smack between the eyes....
"It was a lovely service though"....

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jul 22, 2019 4:09 pm

A Police woman just stopped me and asked me to step out of the car.

"You're staggering", she said.

"You're not so bad yourself", I replied.

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jul 22, 2019 10:04 pm

Just want to thank the lady next door for lending me that large plastic sheet over the weekend,

Ta Pauline.......!

by **Monkeybutt** » Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:04 am

I put a bay leaf in a curry,

and it repossessed all the carrots!

by **Bluestreak** » Wed Jul 24, 2019 10:24 am

Went to the Scottish Deer centre last week.
It was expensive.

by **Anna Conda** » Wed Jul 24, 2019 11:35 am

Bluestreak wrote:Went to the Scottish Deer centre last week.
It was expensive.

Were they playing Vera Lynns classic, veal meat again?

by **Bluestreak** » Wed Jul 24, 2019 11:53 am

Yes how did you know that and were also selling it in the restaurant.
It cost a lot of doe though.

by **Anna Conda** » Wed Jul 24, 2019 3:48 pm

Just been to the Range an some gadgy outside offered me 8 venison legs for £100, do you think that's 2 deer?

by **Bluestreak** » Wed Jul 24, 2019 3:57 pm

Do you think we are getting stuck in a rut talking about deer.

by **Bluestreak** » Wed Jul 24, 2019 4:03 pm

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there.”

by **Bluestreak** » Wed Jul 24, 2019 5:09 pm

I have just read about the personal wealth of the new PM.
I wouldn't mind be a few bucks be"hind" him.

by **Bluestreak** » Wed Jul 24, 2019 5:23 pm

BBC current headline.

Johnson's first speech " the buck stops here"

Does he read the bunker?

Who is it?

by **Bluestreak** » Wed Jul 24, 2019 5:28 pm

Damian Hinds has quit as education secretary. :uhoh:

by **Anna Conda** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 8:48 am

Bluestreak wrote:Damian Hinds has quit as education secretary.

Going on his stag night bbolt

by **Bluestreak** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 9:41 am

Yes i am....... we are all wearing fawn suits.

by **Anna Conda** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 11:23 am

I haven`t the hart to inform you dear fallow but fawn is out this year!

by **Anna Conda** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 11:25 am

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it's raining,” he said to his wife. ” No, that felt more like snow to me, ” she replied. “No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said. “Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. ” Let's not fight about it, ” the man said, “let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing. ” As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”

“It's raining, of course, ” he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

by **Anna Conda** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:10 pm

My Dog walking business has gone bust...

I've had to call in the Retrievers.

by **tREE_wiTH_hAMStER** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 2:44 pm

Anna Conda wrote:A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it's raining,” he said to his wife. ” No, that felt more like snow to me, ” she replied. “No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said. “Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. ” Let's not fight about it, ” the man said, “let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing. ” As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”

“It's raining, of course, ” he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

Not a one liner.

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 3:04 pm

I know but was in keeping with the deer theme.

by **Anna Conda** » Fri Jul 26, 2019 9:36 am

I once dated a lady police officer named Tina.
She was a Sergeant.
I stopped at her place one night, and in the morning she asked me if I wanted a cooked breakfast.
I said, "Don't fry for me Sergeant Tina"

by **Anna Conda** » Fri Jul 26, 2019 9:51 am

The Italians have decided to put a clock on the Leaning Tower Pisa

After all, what's the point of having the Inclination if you don't have the time?

by **Bluestreak** » Fri Jul 26, 2019 10:54 am

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: I have no I-Deer

by **Bluestreak** » Fri Jul 26, 2019 10:56 am

Q: What kind of deer is the god or goddess of weather?
A: A rain deer

The Poolie Bunker

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