So his mother in law is married to his Dad?

Or I’m probably going down the incest route and assuming he’s married to his sister.

Keep it in the family!

I enjoy your jokes Mr Butt. Some literally made me LOL. Keep it up. As you say why are people who are offended by the jokes opening the thread.

The wife asked me where I want to be buried.

Apparently balls deep in her sister was the wrong answer!

I learnt two things yesterday:

1. Sex on a kitchen appliance can be wild and exciting.

2. The staff in Currys PC World are quite narrow-minded.

The wife was watching a cookery show, I said ' why you watching this you cant bastard cook"?
She said" well you watch porn ya fat bastard"!

I applied for a job as a joke explainer but I didn't get it.

Just been turned down for a job at Gelatos cant do sundaes!

I cant remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals!

IM LIVID

Went on a positive thinking course yesterday.

It was shit.

I once dated a girl with a twin.
People used to ask how I tell them apart, it was simple really as Jill wore purple nail varnish and Dave had a cock

Having bought a vintage Rolls Royce, the budget didn’t cover a driver,
so I spent all that money, and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

Yes you have. You've got a world class dangling participle.

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.
It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

I just booked a Chinese Journey tribute act to sing at my funeral - All together now "Don't stop bereaving!"

The other day, an attendant stopped me in a hospital car park to tell me, "You can't park here. It's badge holders only."

I replied, "But I have a bad shoulder."

Even though I`m completely bald, I still keeps the comb I`ve had for nearly twenty years...

I just can't part with it.

I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night.
She asked "Do you have a nickname?"
I answered "Yes, it's sledge"
"Is it because you are smooth ride?" She giggled.
"No" came my reply, "It's because I'm always being pulled by dogs"

Got in a fight with 4 blokes last night but luckily managed to knock one out.

Probably not the best time to have a wank but it could have been my last!

Magician: "I can make anything disappear
Tom: (Holding cup) "Make my tea disappear
Magician: "Shazam"
om: "Nothing happened"

The man who stole my diary has passed away.

My thoughts are with his family!

Before my surgery, my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation!

I got the sack from the Dermatology Clinic for misdiagnosing shingles...

Which I thought was a little rash.

Finally found out who's been stealing my beetroot........ caught them red handed!

A photographer tragically died this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him...

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him.

I went into Curry`s and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I went to my mates funeral today. He was tragically killed playing tennis when a ball hit him smack between the eyes....
"It was a lovely service though"....

A Police woman just stopped me and asked me to step out of the car.

"You're staggering", she said.

"You're not so bad yourself", I replied.

Just want to thank the lady next door for lending me that large plastic sheet over the weekend,

Ta Pauline.......!

I put a bay leaf in a curry,

and it repossessed all the carrots!

Went to the Scottish Deer centre last week.
It was expensive.

Were they playing Vera Lynns classic, veal meat again?

Yes how did you know that and were also selling it in the restaurant.
It cost a lot of doe though.

Just been to the Range an some gadgy outside offered me 8 venison legs for £100, do you think that's 2 deer?

Do you think we are getting stuck in a rut talking about deer.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there.”

I have just read about the personal wealth of the new PM.
I wouldn't mind be a few bucks be"hind" him.

BBC current headline.

Johnson's first speech " the buck stops here"

Does he read the bunker?

Who is it?

Damian Hinds has quit as education secretary.

Going on his stag night

Yes i am....... we are all wearing fawn suits.

I haven`t the hart to inform you dear fallow but fawn is out this year!

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it's raining,” he said to his wife. ” No, that felt more like snow to me, ” she replied. “No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said. “Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. ” Let's not fight about it, ” the man said, “let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing. ” As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”

“It's raining, of course, ” he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

My Dog walking business has gone bust...

I've had to call in the Retrievers.

Not a one liner.

I know but was in keeping with the deer theme.

I once dated a lady police officer named Tina.
She was a Sergeant.
I stopped at her place one night, and in the morning she asked me if I wanted a cooked breakfast.
I said, "Don't fry for me Sergeant Tina"

The Italians have decided to put a clock on the Leaning Tower Pisa

After all, what's the point of having the Inclination if you don't have the time?

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: I have no I-Deer

Q: What kind of deer is the god or goddess of weather?
A: A rain deer