One Liners 3rd edition!

[Monkeybutt]

Just met a Chinese drug dealer, he said "Have you seen my cocaine"?

I said "not since he starred in Zulu"!

[tREE_wiTH_hAMStER]

ffs

[Bluestreak]

Just met a Chinese drug dealer, he said "Have you seen my cocaine"?

I said "not since he starred in Zulu"!

[Kenny Bottles]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

The bartender asks, “You mean a Martini?”.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for one"...

[Monkeybutt]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

The bartender asks, “You mean a Martini?”.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for one"...

The same guy went in the next night, held up two fingers and asked for 5 beers

[Monkeybutt]

12 years together and the wife still gets upset if I use her toothbrush.

So if anyone knows another way of getting dog shit out of trainers, I`m all ears...

[Monkeybutt]

My wife says that I am tight, so to prove her wrong, we went for tea and biscuits.

It was quite exciting as she`s never given blood before!

[Monkeybutt]

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea ?

I wouldn’t pay £100 to have a lentil on my face

[Monkeybutt]

I asked my manager, "Can I have a few days off, seeing as it's so close to Christmas?"
He said, "It's May."

"Sorry," I replied, "May I have a few days off, seeing as it's so close to Christmas?"

[Monkeybutt]

Some twat has stolen my willy warmer off the washing line...I'm not bothered about the warmer, I just want the 10 pegs back.

[Monkeybutt]

PJ said he didn`t understand what cloning was

I said `that makes two of us`

[Anna Conda]

I can count the amount of chainsaw accidents I have had on one hand.

[Anna Conda]

Steve Winwood began his solo career in 1977.

He would've started sooner, but he was stuck in Traffic!

[PJPoolie]

Is the rebrand as Anna Conda, so casual onlookers think these threads are getting more popular with copy and paste fans?

[Anna Conda]

Is the rebrand as Anna Conda, so casual onlookers think these threads are getting more popular with copy and paste fans?

Nope, computer goosed and cant remember login password, 3 requests later for reset and nothing, nil response, fuck all.

[Hartleblue]

Welcome back ....Anna.

[Monkeybutt]

I'm back baby.

[Sussex UK]

Is the rebrand as Anna Conda, so casual onlookers think these threads are getting more popular with copy and paste fans?

It's obvious that Mr Butt wants to call himself Anna now PJ ,do you have a problem with this ?..And what are your thoughts on the LGBT school protests ??

[Sussex UK]

I can count the amount of chainsaw accidents I have had on one hand.

[PJPoolie]

It's obvious that Mr Butt wants to call himself Anna now PJ ,do you have a problem with this ?..And what are your thoughts on the LGBT school protests ??

I would imagine you have now become a champion of LGBT rights as it’s the opposite side to what the darkies are on.

For the record I think it’s absolutely ridiculous from both sides. One four year kids to not discriminate against anything unless they are told to, they also don’t view adult relationships in any other way than those are the people who look after us. Mammy and mammy or daddy and daddy your average four year is more interested in what biscuits they have. Putting those type of families into school books will make no difference it’s just PC box ticking and completely unnecessary. It’s more likely to promote intolerant reactions or negative comments from idiot thick parents for me.

As for those complaining about nothing and bringing culture and religion into it I’d suggest they need move forward a couple of decades into 2019. It’s important we all respect each other and have tolerance for each other and be kind. The kids of these parents will be mixing with children who’s have parents or guardians who are gay so it’s not particularly tolerant to be protesting about the acknowledgement that gay people exist. It’s not as if the schools are trying to teach four year olds about cottaging or felching. But it’s all a bit unnecessary really at the same time as none of it registers with a four year old anyway.

[Mr Ripper]

Disagree to an extent Mr PJ. At four years old and for their next few years kids are learning, even subconsciously, what “normal” is to them. Subtle education on what society accepts as that “normal” is crucial at that age and regardless of what our own potentially prejudiced views that we may have acquired at a similar age are then I think it’s good that schools are including this kind of thing.

The only people who are against it are those who don’t accept what British society now expects in terms of tolerance and inclusion and they should maybe be subject to some kind of education program themselves if their values are not compatible with the country that they are living and raising their kids in.

[PJPoolie]

You are probably right but I think unless they are being brought up by morons they will learn that without pictures in school books it all feels a bit forced and unnecessary, maybe at a slightly older age than four.

Totally agree on the second point, these views aren't even particularity religious when it comes down to the crunch it's all cultural on what they think is acceptable and isn't. Loads of Muslims in the World are liberal and tolerant, yet you still have places like Saudi Arabia where Gay people are being lobbed off buildings. I think it will take a while for hell holes like that to catch up but someone who is living Western society has no excuse, especially some book written in Arabic over a thousand years ago, for not accepting or being intolerant of anyone, it's up to them to move forward a few decades and education could be the way forward. Not wanting your children to acknowledge the existence of homosexuals is just backward and absurd. It's not just Islam though, I read the other day a Tweet from some crank American priest advising Catholics to avoid Pride events as they are not in line with the Catholic faith and can be 'especially harmful to children' Where do you start with irony in that!!!!

[Monkeybutt]

Oi Sandman, this thread is for humour, go hijack somewhere else for the faggotry

[pooliecrab]

Oi Sandman, this thread is for humour, go hijack somewhere else for the faggotry

What's wrong with faggotry? Is they the outrage bus headed for the Monkeybutt stop yet again?!

[PJPoolie]

Humour? Where???

It’s the Bunker, threads evolve you don’t have a monopoly over the content and this shite needed a change of direction at some point in about 1976.

[Bluestreak]

Has this thread morphed into VTE with all this talk of faggots?

fagots.jpg

[Brian Honour's Left Foot]

I'm back baby.

Excellent - missed you! And ignore the 1976 comment - he wasn't born then.

[kevin pooles gloves]

Defo wrong thread to be talking about fudge packers.
Can't fault the Saudis stance on them like.

[Sussex UK]

Any advice to the LGBT community who might fancy a trip to the World Cup 2022 finals PJ.??..Asking for a friend called Kelly-Marie who was once known as Big Dave.

[PJPoolie]

I wouldn’t imagine they would have a problem, our friends have visited us twice.

[Snowy]

The only people who are against it are those who don’t accept what British society now expects in terms of tolerance and inclusion and they should maybe be subject to some kind of education program themselves if their values are not compatible with the country that they are living and raising their kids in.

Who is ‘British Society’? For hundreds of years, the rules were set by the church to suit their agenda. Then ‘society’ changes and compliance becomes necessary with the new enlightenment.
As for re-education for those who don’t comply, that smacks of an authoritarian dictatorship just like the church whose views are set in stone and deviation from the path of ‘society’ is unacceptable.
No society has the right to re-educate the non compliers, that’s the road to 1984..

[Mr Ripper]

That makes you sound like you approve of bigotry and intolerance Mr Snowy, on the basis that people should be able to discriminate if that’s their personal preference. Am I misinterpreting what you’re saying or is that what you really think?

[Monkeybutt]

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

Call our Ian Drury hotline for maximum compo!

[PJPoolie]

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

Call our Ian Drury hotline for maximum compo!

Could you stay on topic please?

[Compo]

Is maximum compo a normal size of me

[Snowy]

That makes you sound like you approve of bigotry and intolerance Mr Snowy, on the basis that people should be able to discriminate if that’s their personal preference. Am I misinterpreting what you’re saying or is that what you really think?

I am saying I’m more terrified of the idea of re-educating those who do not conform. You’ll have this problem because it’s obviously faith driven. It will change eventually, but never go away totally.

[Monkeybutt]

Is maximum compo a normal size of me

You x 2.

[born toulouse]

Little bit of racism and lots of the usual homophobic shite posted by HUST's membership secretary. This is from the What Is HUST? section of the website:

"Inclusive – Any fan can join the HUST and share the values underpinning it. The Trust will promote equality and diversity regardless of age, disability, sex, orientation, race or religious beliefs."

The excuse 'I'm not the Trust' is bollocks. Most users of this board know that you play a key role in HUST so your determined, persistent bigotry disguised as humour reflects badly on the organisation.

At some point people who don't want HUST to have an influence on Pools could use the stuff you post here to argue that the organisation doesn't adhere to it's stated beliefs. It really is time you stopped with this shite.

[Monkeybutt]

Little bit of racism and lots of the usual homophobic shite posted by HUST's membership secretary. This is from the What Is HUST? section of the website:

"Inclusive – Any fan can join the HUST and share the values underpinning it. The Trust will promote equality and diversity regardless of age, disability, sex, orientation, race or religious beliefs."

The excuse 'I'm not the Trust' is bollocks. Most users of this board know that you play a key role in HUST so your determined, persistent bigotry disguised as humour reflects badly on the organisation.

At some point people who don't want HUST to have an influence on Pools could use the stuff you post here to argue that the organisation doesn't adhere to it's stated beliefs. It really is time you stopped with this shite.

Get a hobby, I am neither racist or homophobe, but a bit of sensationalism doesnt go amiss!

[Mr Ripper]

I am neither racist or homophobe

So you’re just pretending to be then?

[born toulouse]

Virtually all your 'jokes' that mention homosexuality are homophobic, you even manged to include the ancient 'don't turn your back' trope that suggests gay men are a threat to straight men's arses. I can't see how anybody would see these attempts at humour any other way. Of course, some people do laugh at this sort of shite but that doesn't make it less homophobic.

And I'll be impressed if you can explain how a 'joke' based on how Chinese people speak English isn't racist. You could use that to help to explain racist jokes to somebody who wasn't familiar with the idea.

Truth is that you're just wilfully pretending you don't understand what you're doing because you do understand that saying, "Yes I'm racist and homophobic" would have repercussions.

I'm told you are a decent bloke in person but it is hard to believe give the stuff you post on here.

[Montpoolier]

Don't agree with the bit on jokes about accents being racist. Puns are puns. No different to Geordie jokes like "Are those war drums? No they're their drums". Or Cockney jokes. If there is a difference, its's going to need quite some explaining. Or maybe Geordie jokes are racist too (even from the mouths of Geordie comedians who seem to be the biggest perpetrators).
You must have had your share of English accent piss-taking in your time in France. How did it go down?

[Monkeybutt]

Virtually all your 'jokes' that mention homosexuality are homophobic, you even manged to include the ancient 'don't turn your back' trope that suggests gay men are a threat to straight men's arses. I can't see how anybody would see these attempts at humour any other way. Of course, some people do laugh at this sort of shite but that doesn't make it less homophobic.

And I'll be impressed if you can explain how a 'joke' based on how Chinese people speak English isn't racist. You could use that to help to explain racist jokes to somebody who wasn't familiar with the idea.

Truth is that you're just wilfully pretending you don't understand what you're doing because you do understand that saying, "Yes I'm racist and homophobic" would have repercussions.

I'm told you are a decent bloke in person but it is hard to believe give the stuff you post on here.

If you are visiting my joke threads you know what to expect, do you have an agenda?

[born toulouse]

If not liking a prominent member of the HUST board spouting homophobic shite on a public platformis an agenda then yes.

[born toulouse]

Don't agree with the bit on jokes about accents being racist. Puns are puns. No different to Geordie jokes like "Are those war drums? No they're their drums". Or Cockney jokes. If there is a difference, its's going to need quite some explaining. Or maybe Geordie jokes are racist too (even from the mouths of Geordie comedians who seem to be the biggest perpetrators).
You must have had your share of English accent piss-taking in your time in France. How did it go down?

I can see your point Monty but I think there is a difference which is the wider context. I went to school with a lass whose family was Chinese and taught another in Newcastle. Both families ran takeaways and both of them helped out on busy nights. Both got a lot of abuse from pissed people mocking their accents and mispronouncing things in a 'Chinese' style. Objecting to this sort of humour would just provoke an escalation including fights among customers and staff so the policy for both families was, "live with it, they're drunk fools and we're taking their money".

For me, that context added to the history of British imperialism in China makes those jokes racist. I do accept that accent based humour isn't always racist though. I've had the piss taken out of me here and it has mostly been harmless. The more recent trend for FN supporters in the Prefectures to reject paperwork from British people trying to get cartes sejour is more along those lines but I'd say it is discriminatory rather than racist. Frustrating for people but Brexit is bringing out some shitty attitudes here as well as in the UK.

[born toulouse]

Don't agree with the bit on jokes about accents being racist. Puns are puns. No different to Geordie jokes like "Are those war drums? No they're their drums". Or Cockney jokes. If there is a difference, its's going to need quite some explaining. Or maybe Geordie jokes are racist too (even from the mouths of Geordie comedians who seem to be the biggest perpetrators).
You must have had your share of English accent piss-taking in your time in France. How did it go down?

I can see your point Monty but I think there is a difference which is the wider context. I went to school with a lass whose family was Chinese and taught another in Newcastle. Both families ran takeaways and both of them helped out on busy nights. Both got a lot of abuse from pissed people mocking their accents and mispronouncing things in a 'Chinese' style. Objecting to this sort of humour would just provoke an escalation including fights among customers and staff so the policy for both families was, "live with it, they're drunk fools and we're taking their money".

For me, that context added to the history of British imperialism in China makes those jokes racist. I do accept that accent based humour isn't always racist though. I've had the piss taken out of me here and it has mostly been harmless. The more recent trend for FN supporters in the Prefectures to reject paperwork from British people trying to get cartes sejour is more along those lines but I'd say it is discriminatory rather than racist. Frustrating for people but Brexit is bringing out some shitty attitudes here as well as in the UK.

[born toulouse]

Don't agree with the bit on jokes about accents being racist. Puns are puns. No different to Geordie jokes like "Are those war drums? No they're their drums". Or Cockney jokes. If there is a difference, its's going to need quite some explaining. Or maybe Geordie jokes are racist too (even from the mouths of Geordie comedians who seem to be the biggest perpetrators).
You must have had your share of English accent piss-taking in your time in France. How did it go down?

I can see your point Monty but I think there is a difference which is the wider context. I went to school with a lass whose family was Chinese and taught another in Newcastle. Both families ran takeaways and both of them helped out on busy nights. Both got a lot of abuse from pissed people mocking their accents and mispronouncing things in a 'Chinese' style. Objecting to this sort of humour would just provoke an escalation including fights among customers and staff so the policy for both families was, "live with it, they're drunk fools and we're taking their money".

For me, that context added to the history of British imperialism in China makes those jokes racist. I do accept that accent based humour isn't always racist though. I've had the piss taken out of me here and it has mostly been harmless. The more recent trend for FN supporters in the Prefectures to reject paperwork from British people trying to get cartes sejour is more along those lines but I'd say it is discriminatory rather than racist. Frustrating for people but Brexit is bringing out some shitty attitudes here as well as in the UK.

[born toulouse]

Don't agree with the bit on jokes about accents being racist. Puns are puns. No different to Geordie jokes like "Are those war drums? No they're their drums". Or Cockney jokes. If there is a difference, its's going to need quite some explaining. Or maybe Geordie jokes are racist too (even from the mouths of Geordie comedians who seem to be the biggest perpetrators).
You must have had your share of English accent piss-taking in your time in France. How did it go down?

I can see your point Monty but I think there is a difference which is the wider context. I went to school with a lass whose family was Chinese and taught another in Newcastle. Both families ran takeaways and both of them helped out on busy nights. Both got a lot of abuse from pissed people mocking their accents and mispronouncing things in a 'Chinese' style. Objecting to this sort of humour would just provoke an escalation including fights among customers and staff so the policy for both families was, "live with it, they're drunk fools and we're taking their money".

For me, that context added to the history of British imperialism in China makes those jokes racist. I do accept that accent based humour isn't always racist though. I've had the piss taken out of me here and it has mostly been harmless. The more recent trend for FN supporters in the Prefectures to reject paperwork from British people trying to get cartes sejour is more along those lines but I'd say it is discriminatory rather than racist. Frustrating for people but Brexit is bringing out some shitty attitudes here as well as in the UK.

[Monkeybutt]

I just deleted all German names off my phone, it's now Hans free!

[Monkeybutt]

Somebody fired a pistol at the Chinese 100m final last night, I think it was race related!