A trucker from Hartlepool who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Luton.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down a £50 note and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is a city in Mali, Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

Boris Johnson is speaking to a reporter about meat related issues post Brexit. The Prime Minister confirmed due to a lack of foreign abattoir workers, a cull will be necessary.

In other news, David Cameron has won a contract to produce sex toys made out of pigs.

I went to my local chippie this afternoon and ordered fish and chips on a tray.

The lass behind the counter asked if I wanted salt on them, and when I said "Yes", she put her hand in the left breast pocket of her apron, pulled some salt from it and sprinkled it on my food.

She then asked if wanted pepper, and when I said I did her hand went in her right breast pocket, and she sprinkled a bit on my scran.

I declined her offer of some vinegar...

A pub in Dublin has recently decided to enforce racial segregation. "They're coming over 'ere, taking our jobs and housing, it's not on. I'm taking a stand" - said landlord Paddy.

A few hours pass since Paddy started his segregation rule at the pub, and he's not had one customer. In comes Paddy's younger brother, Mick. "I can see why you're getting no customers" Mick tells Paddy, "Why?" replies Paddy, to which Mick shouts "Probably because your sign says no niggers, no dogs, NO IRISH and you're a pub in fecking Dublin ya great eejit!!!"