"Have you heard the news?" the shopkeeper said. "Keegans been killed in a freak accident. He was walking across the Tyne and the Shields Ferry hit him"

The secret of missing a tree is to aim straight at it. (The art of golf)

Don't mention the war.

The chap over there is having soup and it sounds delicious. Morecambe and Wise.

If God wanted football to be played in the air, he would have put grass in the sky.....Brian Clough.

television is something you can watch in your living room but would not want near your house. groucho marx.

If me auntie had balls she'd be me uncle.

Tony Blair is only Bill Clinton with his zip done up. Neil Hamilton.

Lazy? He used to ride his bike on the cobblestones to knock the ash off his ciggie. Les Dawson.

Hard work pays off in the future.
Laziness pays off now.

We’re a successful recruitment company and we want to develop the business in the North East.

A banks is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you dont need it. Bob Hope

The walls in our street were that thin, I opened the oven door one day and caught the bloke next door dipping his bread in our gravy. Les Dawson.

You sit back and we move the scenery - Of QE2 Alan Whicker

By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
Airplane Fillum.

yes i,m broke. for a month i,ve been shaking two nickets together in my pocket in the hope that they,ll mate. raymond chandler.

if shakespeare really is the pinacle of english literature then why do people make more money out of books written to allow you to understand it.

I love the smell of methane in the morning.

Life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you have the less shit you eat. Bog wall Tiger Cottingham.