One Liners 3rd edition!

[PJPoolie]

Aren’t times hard enough without putting these threads at the top of the board?

[Monkeybutt]

Aren’t times hard enough without putting these threads at the top of the board?

Life is what you make it chuckles, do you and Phillipe Phillope skype each other whilst stroking effigies

[Monkeybutt]

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.

[kevin pooles gloves]

Some threads come n go.
But this one will always rise to the top of the board.
Why

Because a life without humour is not living.

[Monkeybutt]

My wife is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

[kevin pooles gloves]

[Monkeybutt]

My first job was being a diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory. As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, "yeah, Deez-el fit her."

[kevin pooles gloves]

South African bus driver doing the pre school bus run.
Afta 20 minutes he's had enuf of all the black n white kids fighting n arguing so stops the bus.
Right get of the bus u pack of not nice people.
Right I'm telling u now there's no such thing as black or white I've had enuf of this shit.

From now on u r all green
What ru kids?
We r all green Mr Driver.

Right get back on the bus in an orderly fashion.
Dark green at the back of the bus.
Light green at the front of the bus.

[Monkeybutt]

I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank; I have no words for how angry I am.

[Bluestreak]

Ha ha brilliant chaps this should be on prescription.

[Monkeybutt]

South African bus driver doing the pre school bus run.
Afta 20 minutes he's had enuf of all the black n white kids fighting n arguing so stops the bus.
Right get of the bus u pack of not nice people.
Right I'm telling u now there's no such thing as black or white I've had enuf of this shit.

From now on u r all green
What ru kids?
We r all green Mr Driver.

Right get back on the bus in an orderly fashion.
Dark green at the back of the bus.
Light green at the front of the bus.

you have confused the 1 liner here Kev, not a 1 liner is the fella

[Monkeybutt]

My wife said that if I don't get off my computer and do the housework, she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

[RAY52]

I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank; I have no words for how angry I am.

Talking about dictionaries, this is straight up. My mam, bless her is 94, still independent does the crosswords in magazines and uses a very, very old Pocket Oxford dictionary, you know the one, maroon. Nearly all the pages are loose and falling out, if she drops it they are all over but she manages to put them back again. Anyway a few years ago someone bought her a new one. She doesn’t use it, sticks with the awld one as she reckons there are more words in the old one!!!

[Monkeybutt]

Proper words definitely, none of the slang we get now, innit.

[Monkeybutt]

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

[Monkeybutt]

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.

[Monkeybutt]

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

[Monkeybutt]

What's the definition of a surprise? A fart with a lump in it.

[kevin pooles gloves]

Good crack Mr Butt
Always enjoyed u patter some of the abuse sent yor way is well uncalled for.
But that is Bunker life good job its not the real life. '
To u n the otha 90% of the Bunker lads take care.
Mite tune in now n again
Last ever post got to pay my respects to PJ Poorly Paul Jackson u Tryed u best to cyber bully. More than a few bunkerites.
Smithy sussed u out for what u r last year.
Horrible cyber bully who cudent fight sleep in the real world.
Anyway up the pools n all the best to the darlo lads who post on here.

[born toulouse]

So very sad to see you go Mr Gloves, driven out by the hairy archie? Your posts always made me think of Slade if Noddy Holder had been a member of the National Front.

[Monkeybutt]

Good crack Mr Butt
Always enjoyed u patter some of the abuse sent yor way is well uncalled for.
But that is Bunker life good job its not the real life. '
To u n the otha 90% of the Bunker lads take care.
Mite tune in now n again
Last ever post got to pay my respects to PJ Poorly Paul Jackson u Tryed u best to cyber bully. More than a few bunkerites.
Smithy sussed u out for what u r last year.
Horrible cyber bully who cudent fight sleep in the real world.
Anyway up the pools n all the best to the darlo lads who post on here.

[Monkeybutt]

Man in bookstore: Where is the Self Help section please?

Saleswoman: If I told you that sir it would defeat the purpose!

[Monkeybutt]

"I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight."

[Monkeybutt]

"My friend doesn’t like to talk about his psoriasis. He’d rather just sweep it under the carpet."

[Monkeybutt]

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

[Monkeybutt]

Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
Dad: "No sun."

[Monkeybutt]

What's Blonde and dead in a closet?

The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.

[Monkeybutt]

My wife went to Morrisons and the bloke in front of her bought all the crabs, mussels and lobster, what a shellfish bastard!

[Monkeybutt]

My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.

[Hartleblue]

Good crack Mr Butt
Always enjoyed u patter some of the abuse sent yor way is well uncalled for.
But that is Bunker life good job its not the real life. '
To u n the otha 90% of the Bunker lads take care.
Mite tune in now n again
Last ever post got to pay my respects to PJ Poorly Paul Jackson u Tryed u best to cyber bully. More than a few bunkerites.
Smithy sussed u out for what u r last year.
Horrible cyber bully who cudent fight sleep in the real world.
Anyway up the pools n all the best to the darlo lads who post on here.

Whats up KPG, don't let the bastards grind you down, just do what I do ignore the posts from the bullys and don't read them skip to the next one, nothing worse for a bully than being ignored. They are just sad attention seekers.

[Monkeybutt]

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS. THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.

[TalbotAvenger]

Good crack Mr Butt
Always enjoyed u patter some of the abuse sent yor way is well uncalled for.
But that is Bunker life good job its not the real life. '
To u n the otha 90% of the Bunker lads take care.
Mite tune in now n again
Last ever post got to pay my respects to PJ Poorly Paul Jackson u Tryed u best to cyber bully. More than a few bunkerites.
Smithy sussed u out for what u r last year.
Horrible cyber bully who cudent fight sleep in the real world.
Anyway up the pools n all the best to the darlo lads who post on here.

Whats up KPG, don't let the bastards grind you down, just do what I do ignore the posts from the bullys and don't read them skip to the next one, nothing worse for a bully than being ignored. They are just sad attention seekers.

Nothing worse for a bully then being ignored? , I think a diagnosis of terminal cancer might just edge it, like

[Bluestreak]

Phew I have just finished my 30th Marathon since all this started.
I just cannot bring myself to call them Snickers

[Monkeybutt]

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?

Because he was too far out man!

[Monkeybutt]

Last night I almost had a threesome.

I only needed two more people!

[Bluestreak]

Sales of drones are up since lockdown apparently they are flying out of the door!

[Monkeybutt]

I lost my job as a stage designer,
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

[Monkeybutt]

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of s.

[Monkeybutt]

The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

[Monkeybutt]

Top Causes of Divorce:

4. Finances
3. Infidelity
2. Lack of Intimacy
1. Thermostat Wars

[Monkeybutt]

Today I have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee, Brocco Lee.

[Monkeybutt]

"My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times."

[Monkeybutt]

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

[Monkeybutt]

I recently swapped all the labels on my wife’s spice rack, she hasn’t noticed yet
But the thyme is cumin.

[Monkeybutt]

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

[Bluestreak]

A traveler stopped at a monastery and they invited him to stay for a delicious dinner of fish and chips.
After dinner he went in the kitchen and asked a guy "Are you the fish friar?" and the guy said "No I'm the chip monk."

[Monkeybutt]

What did Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k?
HDMI

[Monkeybutt]

The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is…
…you know what? Never mind. It’s FINE.

[Monkeybutt]

What do David Beckham and Cilla Black have in common?
They're both fucking awful singers

[Bluestreak]

The fish and chip shop near me has gone into liquidation.
Now the owner is stuck between a rock and a hard plaice.