First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching, and spitting.

When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said "So, why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night,
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!!..

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse, where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a saleswoman and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.
I understand that you are in the sales profession.
I’m in sales, also.
What do you sell?”
She replied, “If I tell, you’ll laugh.”
"No, I won’t.”
"Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, “See?
I knew you would laugh.”
"That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied.
“I’m a salesman for Preparation H.
So I’m still a hole behind you!”

You did the same joke in this exact thread back on "Posted: Sun Mar 03, 2019 4:33 pm "

Glad your paying attention to my little test, you are the winner of a loaf of butts bread, I will be in touch soon to arrange delivery.

Are you doing any this Xmas?

As long as you don't tell pj it was average at best!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over ten years: Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us?
Not even a line.
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied. (Sniff, sniff) "Dad, I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute!"
"Ye what?
Get out of here, ye shameless hussy!
Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK, Daddy, as ye wish.
I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, a title deed to a eight bedroom mansion plus a £5 million check.
For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club.
She takes a breath and continues and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean!"
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" Says Daddy.
Girl, crying again says. (Sniff, sniff) "A prostitute Daddy!"
"Oh Be Jesus!
Ye scared me half to death girl.
I thought ye said a PROTESTANT.

When Prince Charles visited Cleckheaton wearing a Davy Crockett hat, the local mayor asked him why, he said his mother asked him where he was going he told her “ Cleckheaton “ she said “ Where the Fox hat”

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a
great big smile on his face.

Dave says “John what are you so happy for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’
my boat, and a redhead came up to me… tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!
She says “Can I have a ride in your boat?” “I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my
boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said ‘Its either
screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave, she couldn’t swim!!.”

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of the bar
counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says “What are you so happy about today John?”

“Well Dave… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’
my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me… tits out to here, Dave, tits out to
here! She said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ “Sure you can have a ride in my
boat.” So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I
turned off the key and I said ‘Its either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim!!,
Dave, she couldn’t swim!!!!.”

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a
beer.

Dave says “John, what are you so sad for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my
boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… tits WAY out to here, Dave,
tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says “Can I have a
ride in your boat?” “Sure you can have a ride in my boat.” So I took her way out,
Dave, way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and
looked at her tits and said ‘Its either screw or swim!!’.

Then, she took the keys off me and pulled down her pants….
she had a dick, Dave !!!
She had a great BIG dick!!! …..

…. Dave, ….. I CAN’T SWIM!!!”

Vivian took a blonde gender neutral friend to a test match. Not only did it not understand the game, it was completely bored. After tea, a batsperson hit a powerful six over the long on boundary. "Thank heavens! Now they got rid of the ball!" it shouted in delight. "Now we can all go home!"

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one "old cowboy " tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, ‘My wife got a pretty good look at you.’

A man is sitting at the bar, his head in his hands.

“Bartender: What’s the matter buddy?


Man: It’s the worst thing ever. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

Bartender: Oh man that really sucks! What did you do?

Man: I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out!

Bartender: What about your best friend?

Man: I looked him straight in the eyes and said BAD DOG!”

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"

Jeremy Corbyn asked the Queen. "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient organisation? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well." Said the Queen. "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Jeremy Corbyn then asked. "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch me and listen."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"
Prince Charles walked into the room and said. Yes, Mother?
The Queen smiled and said to Charles. "Answer me this please Charles. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered. "That would be me."
"Yes, very good!" Said the Queen.
Ah ha I get it said Jeremy, thank you Ma'am. And in a great rush he left.
Corbyn went back to Parliament and decided to ask Diane Abbott the same question.
"Diane, answer this for me." "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure." Said Abbott. And then in true Diane Abbott style she went on to say. "Let me get back to you on that one."
She went to her advisers and asked everyone, but none could give her an answer.
Frustrated, Diane went for a coffee and met Nigel Farage. "Nigel, see if you can answer this question."
"Okay." Replied Nigel.
"Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Farage immediately answered,."That's easy, it's me!"
Abbott grinned and said. "Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"
Abbott then, went back to find Corbyn and said to him. "Jeremy, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle
'If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister, the child is Nigel Farage!"'
Corbyn went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Abbott, and yelled in her face. "No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!

Nicola Sturgeon walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"
Sturgeon: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nicola Sturgeon, leader of the Scottish Nationalist Party and First Minister of Scotland."
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Sturgeon: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mrs Sturgeon, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Sturgeon: "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look madam here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Madam, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Sturgeon stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Mrs Sturgeon?"

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realised she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the Scottish who are the best. I have also discovered that the lovers with absolutely the best stamina are the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish - but my friends call me Paddy"...

Two dyslexics go skiing, and one says to the other "I'm going to zag-zig down this hill", the other says "surely it's zig-zag?"

After a few minutes argument, they decide to ask another person on the slope.

"Don't ask me mate, I'm a tobboganist" answers the gadgie they ask.

"Oh, sorry about that, pal.'' they both reply.

''We'll have twenty Lambert and Butler then''...

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she
a) Has intimacy issues
b) is frigid
c) Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus.

An older bloke was chatting up a younger gadgie in a gay club the other night, and he was hinting he'd had sex with a few celebrities over the years.

Conscious that the older geezer might be fibbing to charm his under-crackers off, he asked for proof. The bloke pulls his wallet out, and hands the lad a picture of him and Paul Daniels naked.

''NO SHIT...?!!?'' exclaimed the young lad.

''No,'' answers Romeo.

''But not a lot''....

It's ''date-night'' tonight over at our 'ouse, and once she'd had a few drinks, I suggested to our-lass that when it gets dark - we should sneak outside and have a go at the ''wheelbarrow'' position.

She thinks it's a bit kinky, but to my delight she has agreed.

As long as I don't push her past her mother's house...

Different log in same shite.

Replying to your own copy pasted ‘joke’ is quite something though.

Way off the mark PJ, who the fuck is Alice?

I am sorry to disappoint you PJ, but I am no clone of that daft bastard - nor am I one of you.

So now the pair of you know who the fuck who Alice is.

Can all us Poolies not just be friends now...?

Not much to ask, now is it lads...


Alice x

Just remembered about the 'foes' option on here, and used it for the first time in years.

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when
she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations . She was alone when I arrived and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come
up and get me.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter . Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

Very old joke but a good one sure I read it on here before

A man was at the country club for his daily round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant; then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you? - I hope you're proud of yourself! - While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care - And you'll be her care giver!"..
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said,
"Just kidding - She died more than two hours ago - What'd you shoot?

Two builders, Fred and Bill, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the 'suit'.
Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."
Bill: "No way! He's a stockbroker."
Fred: "He's no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the 'suit' is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and several jugs get the better of the builder...
Fred: "Scuse me...no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession"
Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try to explain by example....do you have a goldfish at home?"
Fred: "Er...mmm...well yeah, I do as it happens!"
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"
Fred: "It's in a pond."
Suit: "Well, then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden."
Fred: "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden."
Suit: "Well then It's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house."
Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself."
Suit: "Well, given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married."
Fred: "Yes, I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife."
Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often."
Fred: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are, that's logical science at work!"
Fred: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and about your sex life!"
Fred: "I see. That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!"
They both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.
Bill: "I see the suit was in there, did you ask him what he did?
Fred: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"
Bill: "What's that then?"
Fred: "I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?"
Bill: "Nope"

Fred: "Well then, you're a wanker........"

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears, cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring, she should get some "Veet" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the chemist and gets some "Veet". At the till, the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't try shaving them for a few days."
The lady said "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist said "Then you'd best stay off your bicycle for a week.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Was in Peterlee 'Spoons the other night, and this lass come over and said ''Is that you Andy''...?

I did a quick double-take, and realised it was Debra - one of my ''old-flames' from the 1980s.

''Aye pet'' said I, proper fucking nonchalant like.

''I thought it was,'' she said. ''I remember you when you could get a massive hard-on, and bend an iron bar round your bell-end. I bet you couldn't do that fucker now.''

Aye, you're right bonnie lass,'' I replied.

''My wrists are fucked nowadays''...

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength born of fury, she dragged him down the stairs to the garage and put his tally-whacker in a vise. She secured it tightly, then removed the handle from the vise.

Next, she approached him with a hacksaw. The husband, terrified, screamed, “STOP! STOP! You’re not going to… to… cut it off, are you?!!”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, “Nope. YOU are! I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?"
The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?
£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said.........
'Well, since ya weekend's fucked, you might as well gan fishing."

A married couple are staying overnight in a hotel but the room only had twin beds.
As they were settling down in their single beds the husband says,
"My little honey bunch, I'm lonely wonely!"
Taking the hint she climbs out of bed and makes her way to his bed.
On the way she trips over the suitcase and falls flat on her face.
Concerned the husband says,
"Oh, did my little honey bunney fall on her nosey wosey?"
She gets up and climbs into bed with him and they make passionate love. She gets out of bed and on her way back to her bed falls over the suitcase again, the husband says "Clumsy cow."

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to build up a stock of his blood type for transfusion. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood and it couldn't be found locally, the call went out globally.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same blood type. He willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a top of the range motor a diamond encrusted Rolex and £50,000 to show his gratitude
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not appreciate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and says: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me fabulous gifts and loads of money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his......'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'
Mummy fainted.

My mates wife bought a pair of crotchless panties to spice up her humdrum sex life, she put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrossed her legs enough times until her husband finally noticed and said "Are you wearing crotchless panties"?
"Yes" she answered seductively.
"Thank Christ for that" he said, "I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa"!

Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing
some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?"
Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging
down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert!
Shoulda bought a hat."

A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at the heavyset bearded biker standing next to his mother and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," the biker proudly answered.
The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger.
"Hurts, doesn't it!

A dog lover, whose female dog came "in heat," was concerned about keeping it and her male separated. But, she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them; perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Well it Just fucking worked for me." he replied.

I was walking home yesterday and saw a distraught farmer stood next to his cattle all frozen in the snow.
He dropped to his knees and prayed to the Lord for help.
Suddenly a woman appeared, she placed her hands on the cow's and they all began to defrost.
The farmer said "Thank you, are you an Angel sent by God?"
“No" replied the woman.
"I'm Thora Hird"

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and Darlington.

Four guys spend weeks planning the perfect camping and fishing trip to a remote and disconnected spot.
Two days before they are due to leave, Dave's wife puts her foot down and tells him he's not going.
His buddies are naturally pissed off that he can't go, but what can they do, they decide to push on.......
Two days later the three fellas arrive at the remote camp site to find Dave sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, beer open and fish cooking on the fire. Steve: 'Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?'
Dave: 'I've been here since last night..
Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.
She then took my hand and led me to our bedroom.The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed were handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did.'
'And then she said:' 'Do whatever you want.'....So here I am!

A Chinese fan rushes on stage, and says to Stevie Wonder 'Can you play a jazz chord?'

So Stevie plays a G7 with a flat 9.

'No, no... a real jazz chord!'

So Stevie plays an Ab+#11.

'No, no... rissen.....(sings)...A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you....'

Excellent bit of racism, well done.

Given the work the club has done to make up for the behaviour of a few arseholes earlier in the season this sort of 'joke' is really unwelcome. And before anybody says laughing at Chinese people because some of them don't pronounce words correctly in English isn't racist can I just say it very obviously is.

Stick to knitting yoghurt.

Thanks for your input. You've made a lot of good points and I'm going to have to have a serious think before I can reply.