One Liners 3rd edition!

[Bluestreak]

A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck's bill.

[Bluestreak]

Who did Bambi invite to his birthday party?
His nearest and deer-est friends.

[Anna Conda]

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: I have no I-Deer

A deer with no eyes or legs?
Still no idea!


A deer with no eyes, legs or penis?

Still no fucking idea

[Bluestreak]

What did the Canadian deer say to her boyfriend when he forgot their anniversary?
Do you even caribout me?

[Monkeybutt]

I was at Waterstones yesterday and asked the girl if they Trumps new book on how to deport illegal immigrants?

She said " Get the fuck outta here and don`t come back", I said Yes that`s it, do you have it in paperback?

[Monkeybutt]

I've been trying to get hold of my judo instructor...

But he's a hard man to pin down!

[Monkeybutt]

It's been a wee bit of a strange day,First i found a hat full off money then i was chased by a fuckin psychopath with a guitar.

[Bluestreak]

Saw a Uber type taxi today at Newcastle Rail station.
The driver was looking for the fare and he spotted two Chinese ladies whom he shouted to.
When they approached he said "what is your name" and she said "Wang" he said "Wong" and drove off.

[Monkeybutt]

Saw a Uber type taxi today at Newcastle Rail station.
The driver was looking for the fare and he spotted two Chinese ladies whom he shouted to.
When they approached he said "what is your name" and she said "Wang" he said "Wong" and drove off.

One liners you doyle and that was shit.

[Bluestreak]

Now a one liner.

Saw a Uber type taxi today at Newcastle Rail station where a driver was looking for the fare and he spotted two Chinese ladies whom he shouted to and when they approached he said "what is your name" and she said "Wang" he said "Wong" and drove off.

Its actually 90% true story except i changed the name she gave which was actually "White".

[Monkeybutt]

I`m bird watching with Sinead O`Connor,

So far it`s been 7 Owls and fifteen Jays....

[Monkeybutt]

Just got back from visiting a lovely little place in Wales;
Lloysthwycyyrigridarbrewwthh... sorry, there was a hair in my mouth.
I went to Swansea!

[Monkeybutt]

At a recent job interview:

"What's your name?"

"Walter Fucking Cunting Bollocks Wank Bastard Kelsey "

"Do you suffer from Tourette's Walter? ”

"No. But the Vicar at MY Christening did."

[Hartleblue]

At a recent job interview:

"What's your name?"

"Walter Fucking Cunting Bollocks Wank Bastard Kelsey "

"Do you suffer from Tourette's Walter? ”

"No. But the Vicar at MY Christening did."

[Monkeybutt]

Just caught my pecker in my zipper, hurts like hell


No more zip up boots for me...

[Monkeybutt]

Paddy says to Mick, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"

Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"

Paddy says, "No, on a dildo!"

[born toulouse]

To find this funny you have to accept that Honor Blackman, who is 93, should be called a girl, Irish people are thick and black men have big cocks. You usually try not to cut and paste the racist jokes Mr Butt but this is pure shite.

[Monkeybutt]

To find this funny you have to accept that Honor Blackman, who is 93, should be called a girl, Irish people are thick and black men have big cocks. You usually try not to cut and paste the racist jokes Mr Butt but this is pure shite.

She was a girl when she played the part

[born toulouse]

She was 39 when she played the part.

No answer about the blatantly obvious racism then? Would it help you to understand if you knew that 'United' asked their own fans to stop singing a song about Romelu Lukaku because it was based on the cock size racist stereotype?

[Monkeybutt]

She was 39 when she played the part.

No answer about the blatantly obvious racism then? Would it help you to understand if you knew that 'United' asked their own fans to stop singing a song about Romelu Lukaku because it was based on the cock size racist stereotype?

So paddy and mick jokes for the last 50 years should be erased from history because you now are offended, you have never laughed at one in your life?
Your days must fly by searching forums to find things that offend you just stay on this thread and you need look no further!

[born toulouse]

Any decent jokes don't need an Irish people are thick element to be funny. They go back a lot longer than 50 years - some of the Victorian hierarchies of racial groups had Irish people just above black people but below other Europeans. The argument was that skull measurements 'proved' that they were not fully mentally developed. There was no real evidence of this but labelling everybody else too thick to govern their own country is a cracking justification for having an empire.

I notice you still haven't thought of an excuse for the other racist bit. Difficult one I suppose, it is pretty well established that racial stereotyping like that isn't acceptable but you might come up with something. If you can't you could just call me a crank.

[Monkeybutt]

Any decent jokes don't need an Irish people are thick element to be funny. They go back a lot longer than 50 years - some of the Victorian hierarchies of racial groups had Irish people just above black people but below other Europeans. The argument was that skull measurements 'proved' that they were not fully mentally developed. There was no real evidence of this but labelling everybody else too thick to govern their own country is a cracking justification for having an empire.

I notice you still haven't thought of an excuse for the other racist bit. Difficult one I suppose, it is pretty well established that racial stereotyping like that isn't acceptable but you might come up with something. If you can't you could just call me a crank.

You reckon dark skinned chaps mind being labelled as having big dicks, move back before it's too late but far enough away from here please.

[born toulouse]

You still follow 'United' don't you? Romelu Lukaku didn't like it, so much so that the club asked their own fans to stop singing about it even though they all used the same excuse as you do. What makes you think other black people think it is OK?

[yloop]

You still follow 'United' don't you? Romelu Lukaku didn't like it, so much so that the club asked their own fans to stop singing about it even though they all used the same excuse as you do. What makes you think other black people think it is OK?

No point trying, he won't concede anything. He said some rather abhorrent things about eating disorders before and couldn't see why it wouldn't go down well with some people.

His answer is not to read it, which generally is the attitude of this type of human. Instead of looking at why people may be calling him out he sees the problem is with them. In short, he's a prick.

[Monkeybutt]

Monkeybutt cannot see posts from Ypoop as he is on the snowflake list.

[Monkeybutt]

You still follow 'United' don't you? Romelu Lukaku didn't like it, so much so that the club asked their own fans to stop singing about it even though they all used the same excuse as you do. What makes you think other black people think it is OK?

[born toulouse]

I had no idea there was an emoji for "I'm a racist with no justification to offer for the shite I post".

[born toulouse]

No point trying, he won't concede anything. He said some rather abhorrent things about eating disorders before and couldn't see why it wouldn't go down well with some people.

His answer is not to read it, which generally is the attitude of this type of human. Instead of looking at why people may be calling him out he sees the problem is with them. In short, he's a prick.

I know you're right, he makes being an arsehole a matter of principle. But I get gaps between bits of work and showing that not all Pools fans are racist fools seems like a worthwhile use of the time.

[Monkeybutt]

Start your own thread, ' 5 things to do with beige' .

[Monkeybutt]

I find it mildly amusing that the two main complained resort to name calling when I'm supposed to be the luddite!
As I've said before ladies, the content in this thread may offend those of a sensitive nature, please find other threads to hijack with your bitching, if you continue to pop in and be offended then there is really no prescription for dumb.

[born toulouse]

The Luddites were a much maligned force defending the oppressed. Not sure racist homophobes who mock people with eating disorders quite fit in that category.

[kevin pooles gloves]

Keep the jokes coming MrButt.
Fuck the easily offended Mary Whitehouse brigade.

2 paramedics get called out to a car crash.
The driver whos from Pakistan is unconscious so they start arguing about who is going to give him the kiss of life.
After 10 minutes they decide do flick a coin to see who has to do it.
So the loser reluctantly pulls his duds down n starts blowing up his arse.
The winner shouts you don't do the kiss of life like that.
The loser replys have you smelt his fucking breath!

[PJPoolie]

The thread wants deleting, it’s embarrassing to think supporters of other clubs will be popping in and reading this shite.

I think humour has probably evolved beyond ‘Pakis smell.’

[Monkeybutt]

The thread wants deleting, it’s embarrassing to think supporters of other clubs will be popping in and reading this shite.

I think humour has probably evolved beyond ‘Pakis smell.’

Oh shit, forgot the third member of this offends me, STAY OF THE THREAD if your sensitive nature is affected by it's content!
Honestly man, if the fire is hot, stop putting your nose in it

[born toulouse]

Keep the jokes coming MrButt.
Fuck the easily offended Mary Whitehouse brigade.

2 paramedics get called out to a car crash.
The driver whos from Pakistan is unconscious so they start arguing about who is going to give him the kiss of life.
After 10 minutes they decide do flick a coin to see who has to do it.
So the loser reluctantly pulls his duds down n starts blowing up his arse.
The winner shouts you don't do the kiss of life like that.
The loser replys have you smelt his fucking breath!

You should be fucking well ashamed of yourself. What on earth would motivate somebody to post that? I can't think of anything other than pure unadulterated racism.

[Bluestreak]

A friend of mine is a retired cricket umpire.
He doesn't lift a finger now.

[PJPoolie]

Oh shit, forgot the third member of this offends me, STAY OF THE THREAD if your sensitive nature is affected by it's content!
Honestly man, if the fire is hot, stop putting your nose in it

I’m not offended, or sensitive just embarrassed.

A lot of our players are black, what do you think they would make of some of ‘jokes’ in this thread?

Above all else it’s in main about as funny as a multi car pile up.

[Monkeybutt]

Get it that you're not a fan, stop reading.

[born toulouse]

If it was just a shit jokes thread saying don't read it would be fair enough. Unfortunately, this thread, and the earlier deleted versions, have been repeatedly used to post racist, sexist and homophobic 'jokes' that make bigotry and stereotyping acceptable so why wouldn't other board users argue against them?

If you don't like being pulled up on jokes like these you could cut and paste them onto a Tommy Robinson fan board instead. You could all be racists together and it wouldn't reflect badly on Pools fans who were supporting the club a long time before you decided to give up on Manchester United.

[Monkeybutt]

If it was just a shit jokes thread saying don't read it would be fair enough. Unfortunately, this thread, and the earlier deleted versions, have been repeatedly used to post racist, sexist and homophobic 'jokes' that make bigotry and stereotyping acceptable so why wouldn't other board users argue against them?

If you don't like being pulled up on jokes like these you could cut and paste them onto a Tommy Robinson fan board instead. You could all be racists together and it wouldn't reflect badly on Pools fans who were supporting the club a long time before you decided to give up on Manchester United.

Borntobealoser, the joy of laughter is lost on you, just go away man, are you sat at home trolling forums to spread your gloom or hoping I will lose my shit so you can bitch to a mod and get it pulled?/

[born toulouse]

Only forums I ever go on are this and a couple of car related ones and I've never trolled anybody in my life. As far as I'm concerned a thread that mostly cut and pastes shit jokes from around the internet has little connection to the joy of laughter. Pointless thread in my opinion but if other people like it who cares if I don't?

It's the regular injection of humour based on bigotry and stereotyping, that you could easily choose not to include, that I feel obliged to argue with. I couldn't care less if you lose your shit, what are you going to do? Type in capitals or call me names? I think I'd cope. I do think the racist posts should be deleted by a mod, I'm ashamed to see them on a Pools forum. That isn't bitching to anybody though it's just giving an opinion.

If the bitching remark is a reference to me complaining to the Trust about the bigotry you post on here then you've obviously learned nothing at all from being asked to pack it in or stand down as Membership Secretary.

And I won't be going anywhere, I've been supporting Pools and posting on the Bunker for a lot longer than you.

[Monkeybutt]

My local train station just got a digital display board...

I guess that's just a sign of the times?

[Monkeybutt]

The Proclaimers lawn is getting a bit long, so they have been to a number of B&Q stores looking to buy something to cut it with.

They've been to Bathgate, no mower, Linwood, no mower, Methill, no mower, Irvine, no mower

[Bluestreak]

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.

[Bluestreak]

“I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.'”

[Monkeybutt]

BREAKING NEWS

Over the Bank Holiday Weekend a large number of Kaleidoscopes have been stolen from local toy-shop.

Police say "We are beginning to see a pattern”

[Monkeybutt]

I went back to see my doctor yesterday.
I said, "I applied the hemorrhoid cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I said, "On the bus."

[Monkeybutt]

If you were a child when Red Red wine was released,

UB40 ish now.

[Monkeybutt]

Just arrived at one of those Swiss end of life clinics, you'll never guess what the bastards are serving for breakfast?
Cheerios

[Monkeybutt]

Been to the drop in Hospital this morning as I`ve had the shits for 6 weeks, Doctor said not to worry as they go back to school tomorrow!