One for the ladies,,

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

A Nottingham woman has lost her case at Nottingham magistrates court today, after she tried suing "NUH Medical after her husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have sex with her afterwards. Mrs DeMinger of Bulwell aged 67 said to reporters outside court this afternoon "Me and me 'usband Fred 'ave 'ad bangin' sex till 'e went 'ospital and 'ad 'is operation, now 'e's not interested 'n me and it's all down to them twats"
The surgeon who performed the operation and attended court gave evidence said "all we did was remove Fred's cataracts"

A man shopping on his own on Valentines Day buys 1 banana, 1 apple, 1 bar of chocolate and a ready meal for his tea, gets to the checkout and the pretty girl behind the till starts scanning his stuff, ‘half way through she says “single are you love”, fella perks up thinking he might be on a catch and replies “I am as it happens, how did you guess?, is it coz of all the single items in my basket he asked with a smile?” to which the girl replied
“No, coz you`re an ugly bastard”!

So, there I was in my hotel room, feeling a bit lonely...
I thought of those girls you see advertised in phone boxes, so I popped into one near the hotel, and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, with a provocatively posed photo (I'll spare you the details!). The 'phone had been vandalised, so I wrote the phone number on my fag packet, and went back to the hotel, where I gave her a call.
'Hello', answered a sexy, sultry female voice.
'Hi', I said, "I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm all alone for a few hours, and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She replied, 'That sounds fantastic love, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.

The teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her young students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
'E-G-G.'
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T.'
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had fuckall', he says, 'F-U-C-K-A-L-L.'
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Scotland. Peter is able to tell her which Sea is off England's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The fucking Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother, that's why I got fuckall for breakfast'

He should have told his teacher that Pakistan is land locked from three sides so it’s border is vast and with several countries so her question doesn’t make sense.

A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.
A passing tramp stops and says, " Since you`re about to top yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman replies, "Get away from me you fucking sicko!"
The bum turns to leave and mutters, "Fine, I`ll just go wait at the bottom"

Two female police officer dog handlers are on the beat, One says "i`m cold, I left my panties back at the station"
The other one says, " Let the dog smell your fanny and run back to the station to fetch them for you"
The dog returns 20 minutes later with her knickers, a truncheon and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

Four brothers were chatting about their elderly mother who lived far away.
One said, "I had a big house built for Mum."
Another said, "I had a £100,000 theatre annex added to it."
The 3rd said, "I had my dealer deliver her a brand new Rolls-Royce."
The 4th said, "You know how Mum used to love reading the Bible before her eyesight went? I found a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge £100,000 a year for 20 years to the church, but it's worth it. She just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Mum sent out her Thank You notes:
"I'm too old to travel, and have my groceries delivered, so I never use the car, but the thought was good. Thanks!"
"My new house is huge! I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"The theatre could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, and I'm nearly blind. Thank you just the same!"
"Dear Melvin, the chicken was delicious. Thank you."

An Irishman named Paddy got a call from his doctor. “I’ve some bad news for you… you have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Paddy, shocked and saddened by the news, managed to compose himself. He saw his son who had been waiting. Paddy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Paddy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Paddy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave Paddy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Paddy’s son leaned over and whispered, “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

Paddy said,”I am dying from cancer, son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him,

"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me!

A teacher asked her class how many of them were Jeremy Corbyn fans.

Not really knowing what a Jeremy Corbyn fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands... except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Jeremy Corbyn fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Jeremy Corbyn fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Conservative.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

Little Johnny replied, 'A Jeremy Corbyn fan.'

Recently, a female Police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Norfolk county courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around," he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "I was really into it, y'know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence...
"I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
"A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?"
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined £10. and sent on his way.

What is American courthouse doing fining people in pound sterling, we need answers.

Norfolk be in Norfolk oi reckon

Norfolk County, Massachusetts I’d imagine I doubt you going to find as many pumpkin fields in East Anglia maybe more than you would have twenty years ago when Halloween was about a Turnip and bin bag for us.

Do you have any standards for these or do you just copy and paste the next one, I am intrigued (well I’m not I’m just asking) about your process....

Nope we have pumpkin fields in Norfolk UK, isn`t that how you lot breed, pump kin

So they copied me and changed it to Wimbledon, again in UK, what`s your point Gadget?

That these threads take shit to whole new level, don’t contain any originality and are about as funny as a cholera epidemic.

To be fair 1 in every 40 jokes r quite funny

Well I have a good laugh at them, maybe you just need to find a sense of humour, or better still just don,t bother reading them. That is for pj not you KPG.

A bloke was playing golf one day and he got lost.

He saw a young lady playing up ahead of him and went over to her and said, "Can you please help me? I don't know what hole I'm on"

She told him, "You are one hole behind me, I'm on 7 and you are on 6"

He thanked her and carried on playing golf.

On the back nine he got lost again.

He saw the same woman and went over to her again, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on?"

She told him "You are one hole behind me, I'm on 14 and you are on 13"

Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse.

He went over to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out.
She accepted.

As they were drinking and chatting he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales"

He replied "No kidding so am I, what do you sell?"

She said It's too embarrassing to tell.

But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she"d tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.

She said, "I sell tampons"

The bloke immediately fell to floor laughing his bollocks off.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh!"

He replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't fucking help it... I sell toilet paper, I"m still one hole behind you"

OK Hartleblue.
Off topic I reckon Gerwen Price will win the Darts UK open tonite.
Probably the best player in the world for the last 8 weeks.

Me darts predictions r just as bad as. Me Pools one's.
Anyway well done to Nathan Aspinall on becoming UK champion.

I'm a caring sensitive guy. I love making a lady breakfast then slipping in the shower to scrub her back.

It's always ruined when they start shouting "who are you?"
"What are you doing in my house?"

Tch you can't please some women...

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to London, You can earn £400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you for free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you`re going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on fucking £400 a year!!!"

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.
He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart arse, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. after the laughter had subsided teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.”

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet at a fund raiser.
Woods turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad!
How's the golf?"
Woods replies: "Not too bad,
I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got it right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.
Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says: "But, you're blind.
How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me.
I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."

Several years ago, Mike was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.
The warden saw that deep down, Mike was a good person and made arrangements for Mike to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Mike was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to install a large and very expensive countertop which he had promised his wife. So he called Mike into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Mike refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but ...

... counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"'Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say.".

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell.""Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!!
But enough about me, how's your day going?..

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he staggered towards the Oasis only to find a British Soldier selling Regimental Ties.

The Taliban asked,

“Do you have water?”

The Soldier replied,

“There is no water, the well is dry, would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5.”

The Taliban shouted,

“You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie, I need water!

I should kill you but I must find water first!”

“OK,” said the Soldier, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me, I will show you that I am bigger than that and that I am a much better human being than you.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Warrant Officer's and Sergeant's Mess, It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah”

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he crawled back, collapsed with dehydration and whispered …

“They won’t let me in without a bloody tie" !

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I
have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"!!!!

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your fucking sister for over 48 years."

This really fit woman with massive tits and a short skirt got into the lift with me.
The lift then stopped....

"Great she said how long are we going to be stuck in here for?"

"Dunno, " I replied, "maybe hours."

As she got hotter she started to unbutton her top a little more.
Then she noticed my erection and started to smile, after a few minutes I had her naked and I had my way with her.
We finished having sex and she started to get dressed "I've never seen you in here before, what department do you work in? " She asked.

"Oh, I don't work here, " I answered "I'm just here to fix the lift."

Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says: "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."
"Let me tell you a story," says the other man,
"Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you.
...
To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you and to your right is a very horny gay man."
"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.
"Well..........which one do you turn your back on!!"

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mum I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore but down there I am still mourning. He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

An old one ....

A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Austin, Texas.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's just about as far as I got, too.'

A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, "I'm sorry, but I’m blind and Can't read the menu.
So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there."
The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy.
The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah, that's what I'll have meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Joan, who's the cook.
The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork."
He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy.
The blind guy smells it, and says, "That smells great.
I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Joan, rub this fork on your crotch."
She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.
The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff,
and says, "Are you kidding me?
I didn’t know Joan worked
here.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.

"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."
"Well," replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."

"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.

"No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.
"I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with:
"That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?"

"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle."

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Uxbridge because they had never been there before

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, strongmen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,

and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1,000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the Inland revenue"!

An Irish man went to a sex show in Soho and sat in the second row. As soon as the ‘artiste’ appeared out on the stage, the Irish man made a loud ‘UUARGH’ sound. The ‘artiste’ looked worriedly at him but being a professional she continued.

As the first item of clothing fell to the floor, the Irish man made another loud ‘UUARGH’ sound. A few of the patrons shifted uncomfortably but the ‘artiste’ continued to soldier on with her act.

With the removal of each item of clothing punctuated by the ‘UUARGH’ from the Irish man, punters, bouncers and the ‘artiste’ were gradually becoming more & more uncomfortable.

Finally, the final part of her costume was removed, and to everyone’s surprise, there was silence from the Irish man.

The ‘artiste’ hurriedly gathered up her costume and scurried from the stage.

In the meantime, a customer in the front row turned to the Irish man and said ‘Where are all your ‘UUARGH’s now?’

To which the Irish man replied ‘All over the back of your jacket!’...

This old fellow decides to get fit so goes jogging .
Jogs into butchers ,asks shoppers "how old do you think I am " 70, 69,74,your all wrong I'm 79 he shouts and jogs out .
Does this in greengrocers, chemist,and 4 other shops in high street, no one gets his age right.
On way home jogging through park sees two older ladies on park bench "how old do you think I am ladies?" one of the ladies says "drop your pants " a bit surprised but does so,she spends the next 5 min fondling him then says "you`re 79 "
How the hell did you know that from fondling my nuts he asks ,
I was behind you in the butchers!

A Day in the Diary of a BMW Driver
"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "

The make of car you drive is undoubtedly a statement about how you see yourself........

A group of primary school young-uns go on a trip to Cheltenham races to learn about horses.

When it's time to take the bairns to the toilet, it is decided that the girls will go with one teacher, and the boys with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys is waiting outside when one of the lads comes out to tell her that none of them can reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she goes inside to help the boys with their pants - and begins hoisting the boys up to the piss-pots one-by-one, and holding their nobs to direct the flow.

As she lifts one lad up, she can't help but notice that he is unusually well-endowed.

Trying not to stare, she says "You must be in sixth class"...?

"No pet," he replies.

"I'm riding Glen Forsa in the friggin' Arkle"...!