The Poolie Bunker

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 11:40 am

I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine,
it's a Bordeaux collie

by **Bluestreak** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 2:05 pm

Normal service resumed........ :laugh:

by **charco** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 2:25 pm

Don't forget, when mugged by a troupe of circus clowns, always go for the juggler.

by **Kenny Bottles** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 5:19 pm

A seal walks into a club...

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jan 07, 2019 9:41 am

I can't understand what all that fuss was over female linesman,
I mean, if there's one thing women specialise in, it's pointing out mens mistakes.

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jan 07, 2019 10:07 pm

Auto correct is shite, just text my mate to ask if he fancied a wank down by the river........................I meant canal

by **Monkeybutt** » Tue Jan 08, 2019 9:37 pm

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says "you remind me of my little toe"
Girl says "Why because I pink and cute"
And the guy says" no because I'm going to bang you on my coffee table later"

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Jan 10, 2019 1:35 pm

I asked Alexa "What do Women want?"

The damn thing hasn`t shut up for 3 days

by **horden** » Thu Jan 10, 2019 10:10 pm

Q: Where is the capital of England A: In the offshore bank accounts of the 1%

by **Monkeybutt** » Sat Jan 12, 2019 12:07 am

I quit my job at the helium factory today,
I'm not being spoken to in that tone of voice.

by **Monkeybutt** » Sat Jan 12, 2019 12:17 am

I ate a couple of Scotch eggs earlier,
the nurse in the Glasgow fertility clinic looked sickened.

by **Monkeybutt** » Sat Jan 12, 2019 2:15 pm

I was looking after my mates snake, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I said to my wife, "What should I tell him?"
She said, "Just give it to him straight."

by **Monkeybutt** » Sun Jan 13, 2019 1:58 pm

Blonde humour isn't everyone's plate of tea.

by **horden** » Sun Jan 13, 2019 3:01 pm

Monkeybutt wrote:A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says "you remind me of my little toe"
Girl says "Why because I pink and cute"
And the guy says" no because I'm going to bang you on my coffee table later"

Wonder if that would work in The Royal ? :laugh:

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jan 14, 2019 10:24 am

I'm into sadomasochism, bestiality and necrophilia.

Am I flogging a dead horse?

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jan 14, 2019 11:12 am

My first attempt at writing a porn fillum has fallen afoul of the estate of Roald Dahl.

Apparently, Will He Bonk Her in the Chocolate Factory? sounds too much like one of his books!

by **Monkeybutt** » Tue Jan 15, 2019 7:38 pm

My wife asked me if she could have a little piece and quiet while she makes dinner.....
so I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

by **Monkeybutt** » Wed Jan 16, 2019 10:55 am

Knock Knock
who’s there ?....
Worst mistake
Anne Frank ever made!

by **horden** » Wed Jan 16, 2019 11:47 pm

Today I wanted to go to a workshop about 'Acceptance and Rejection' but they wouldn't let me in

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Jan 17, 2019 8:43 pm

Did you know?

Taller people sleep longer in bed.

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Jan 17, 2019 8:50 pm

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea?
because proper tea is theft.

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Jan 17, 2019 8:59 pm

There was a safety meeting in work today, they asked "What steps would you take in the event of a fire?"
apparently "Fucking big ones" was the wrong answer.

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 1:34 pm

Nelson was about 5ft 6ins tall. His column is 17ft 4in.

That's Horatio of 1:3

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 3:32 pm

Looking in a shop window with a mate, I pointed out an item and said, "that's the one I'd get."

Then a cyclops ran out of the shop and punched me.

by **Monkeybutt** » Sun Jan 20, 2019 10:06 pm

It's Motown Weather Out There Tonight,,,,,, 3 Degrees,,,,, Maybe 4 Tops...!!!!

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jan 21, 2019 10:34 am

I took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques roadshow, "Ooh" said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition"?
" Sticks" I replied.

by **Montpoolier** » Mon Jan 21, 2019 10:45 am

Monkeybutt wrote:It's Motown Weather Out There Tonight,,,,,, 3 Degrees,,,,, Maybe 4 Tops...!!!!

Nice try but it doesn't work. The 3 Degrees aren't Motown. refred

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jan 21, 2019 11:33 pm

If on the way back from the pub, you see a little alien with red hat and fishing rod sat in a garden,
it may be an E.T faux gnome situtaion.

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jan 21, 2019 11:40 pm

After knocking one out to porn, try whistling, "When I'm cleaning windows",
while you delete your internet history.

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Jan 21, 2019 11:44 pm

I see Mike Ashley has bought HMV....
he did promise Newcastle United he would make a record signing this transfer window!

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Jan 24, 2019 10:44 am

I could barely lift my bottle of water earlier,
it was an Evian.

by **horden** » Thu Jan 24, 2019 12:56 pm

Bluestreak wrote:Normal service resumed.......

50768142_10156559420428005_2322110167782522880_n.jpg

by **Hartleblue** » Thu Jan 24, 2019 2:59 pm

horden wrote:
Bluestreak wrote:Normal service resumed......

50768142_10156559420428005_2322110167782522880_n.jpg

oooooops!

by **Monkeybutt** » Thu Jan 24, 2019 11:55 pm

Brought a penis enhancement device off ebay...

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass!

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Jan 25, 2019 12:01 am

My mates wife left him last Thursday.

She said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back!

I asked him how he was coping and he replied,

"I've been using that powdered stuff."

by **MutleyRules** » Fri Jan 25, 2019 1:35 pm

by **MutleyRules** » Fri Jan 25, 2019 1:35 pm

by **Montpoolier** » Fri Jan 25, 2019 5:24 pm

Monkeybutt wrote:I could barely lift my bottle of water earlier,
it was an Evian.

Evian spent backward is Naive, which perfectly describes someone who pays over the odds for a nondescript bottle of water.

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Jan 25, 2019 6:40 pm

I was at the self service checkout buying some apples and the automated voice said "unexpected item in the bagging area".
I know that I don't always have the healthiest diet but I felt that publicly announcing it was a little unnecessary

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Jan 25, 2019 6:51 pm

I'm in trouble with the wife, we were in bed naked and she says to me, "What would you like to do most with my body.

Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the answer she was expecting...!

by **Monkeybutt** » Sun Jan 27, 2019 5:47 pm

Prostitute starts her first day on the game, the pimp says, "no sex for the first seven days, only wanks", .. She says, "why so"?.,
Pimp say, "Union rules, you have to do a week in hand"!..

by **Monkeybutt** » Sun Jan 27, 2019 6:05 pm

Mick Hucknall arrested for shagging a rabbit

Police sources say he was `holding back the ears and singing bunnies too tight to mention`

by **Monkeybutt** » Tue Jan 29, 2019 10:12 pm

As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way,

I think perhaps I wasn't the best tour guide.

by **Monkeybutt** » Fri Feb 01, 2019 12:13 am

After many years of putting it off, finally took the wife to doctors to sort out her tourettes, turns out she doesn't have it at all, I really am a 'lovely lovely person', and she really wants me to fuck off....

by **Monkeybutt** » Sat Feb 02, 2019 8:34 pm

I've decided to sell all my chiropractic magazines,

I have loads of back issues.

by **Monkeybutt** » Sat Feb 02, 2019 8:35 pm

There's a new a travel guide highlighting towns and cities with badly laid paving slabs.

It's called TripAdvisor!

by **Monkeybutt** » Sun Feb 03, 2019 8:52 pm

I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was crap,
Lance is still in prison

by **Monkeybutt** » Mon Feb 04, 2019 1:01 pm

Corduroy pillows are making headlines again!

by **tREE_wiTH_hAMStER** » Mon Feb 04, 2019 2:22 pm

Worst thread ever.

by **horden** » Mon Feb 04, 2019 5:04 pm

tREE_wiTH_hAMStER wrote:Worst thread ever.

I should of known , you wouldn't of been posting a joke

The Poolie Bunker

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