Best One Liners

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Fri Sep 08, 2017 9:46 am

Hedgehogs eh? Why can't they just share the hedge?

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:30 am

Just said to the missus, "Hey bitch, what you want for your birthday?"

She said " Hey don`t get fucking lippy"

Mascara it is then!

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Sun Sep 10, 2017 10:50 am

Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her.

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Tue Sep 12, 2017 5:31 pm

My wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying “This is not working, goodbye”.

Just opened the fridge and it’s working fine, very strange!

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Tue Sep 12, 2017 6:21 pm

Q. What do you call a Chinese person with a Hat camera?
A. Phil Ming

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Tue Sep 12, 2017 6:50 pm

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me….
“I really need a new fuckin boat” I thought to myself.

Snowy · **Joined:** Fri Aug 18, 2006 12:18 pm **Posts:** 37353

They say laughter is the best medicine, but if your diabetic I'd choose insulin every time.

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:51 pm

Since my wife left me I’ve been left with a really big gap to fill.... She was quite fat and we had a memory foam mattress.

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Thu Sep 14, 2017 10:52 pm

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!
" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Fri Sep 15, 2017 8:12 pm

Here are 2 interesting facts about me!

1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens!

2)I`m banned from Argos

thetownendfaithful · **Posted:** Fri Sep 15, 2017 8:32 pm

How are these one liners

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Fri Sep 15, 2017 9:11 pm

thetownendfaithful wrote:

How are these one liners

Seperated it for the slower ones, fits on one line :shhh:

PJPoolie · **Joined:** Wed Mar 06, 2013 6:28 pm **Posts:** 15342

He's right he's not slow, the vast majority aren't one liners and are about as funny as the Bubonic Plague.

pooliecrab · **Joined:** Tue Dec 16, 2014 9:31 pm **Posts:** 6028

PJPoolie wrote:

He's right he's not slow, the vast majority aren't one liners and are about as funny as the Bubonic Plague.

At least he's improving then.

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Sat Sep 16, 2017 9:24 pm

Some bloke said to me in Tesco today, " What`s your ringtone"?, I said " I`ve never looked but I imagine a light brown colour"!

Montpoolier · **Posted:** Sat Sep 16, 2017 10:22 pm

See the difference between you and me is I would have said zirconite and please call me Anthony".

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Mon Sep 18, 2017 9:16 am

I have a load of Harry Potter jokes for sale if anyones interested?

quid each.....

poolieinnottingham · **Posted:** Mon Sep 18, 2017 12:51 pm

Our lass recently decided that she wanted to have get a strap on and bum me with it.

I wasn't too keen at first, but I know someone who has done this and got off on it.

So she had a go but I have to say even after ten minutes it wasn't doing anything for me. I just told her to keep pegging away.

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Tue Sep 19, 2017 2:39 pm

Chris Eubanks has written a book about Ethics, if it sells well, his new one will be about Kent.

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Wed Sep 20, 2017 10:30 am

Dire Straits and Chris Rea looking to collaborate on a new album , but there are concerns the proposed album title may hinder sales ......

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Thu Sep 21, 2017 1:55 pm

I've combined my skills at bomb-making and taxidermy. I'm going to make you an otter you can't defuse.

Zippy · **Joined:** Fri Sep 30, 2016 11:37 am **Posts:** 265

QUIT MY JOB AT THE LOCAL GYM I WASN'T BIG OR STRONG ENOUGH JUST HANDED IN MY TWO WEAK NOTICE!

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Fri Sep 22, 2017 2:37 pm

Hey man I was tripping on mushrooms last night and I thought to myself "Don`t Asda have cleaners"?

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Sat Sep 23, 2017 11:42 am

This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Sun Sep 24, 2017 6:05 pm

I went into a Chinese restaurant and asked if they did take away, Yeah 2 from five is 3

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Sun Sep 24, 2017 6:17 pm

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll.

PJPoolie · **Joined:** Wed Mar 06, 2013 6:28 pm **Posts:** 15342

About as funny as being waterboarded.

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Sun Sep 24, 2017 6:51 pm

PJPoolie wrote:

About as funny as being waterboarded.

Put a bet on 3 horses today - Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times. Not one winner. I blame it on the bookie

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Sun Sep 24, 2017 7:31 pm

I saw my neighbour jogging at midnight.

I said, "It's a bit late for you Michelle, isn't it?"

"I couldn't sleep," she replied.

"That's not what I meant, you fat cow."

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Mon Sep 25, 2017 9:34 am

Looking in a shop window with a mate, I pointed out an item and said, "that's the one I'd get."

Then a cyclops ran out of the shop and punched me.

PJPoolie · **Joined:** Wed Mar 06, 2013 6:28 pm **Posts:** 15342

About as funny as the Rwanda genocide.

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Mon Sep 25, 2017 9:41 am

I took my wife to the pictures today,

And pointed out the layer of dust on each one.

PoolieTom · **Joined:** Tue Aug 31, 2010 2:30 am **Posts:** 779

PJPoolie wrote:

About as funny as the Rwanda genocide.

I'll be getting a full house at this rate. Already got my one line. Keep 'em coming!

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Tue Sep 26, 2017 4:43 pm

I opened up a bakery recently and a lady phoned me up requesting a cake with `I suck cocks`on it, I thought it was weird but made it anyway.
Mrs Cox was pissed off when I delivered it, as was her son Issac bbolt

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Wed Sep 27, 2017 7:13 pm

My wife is scandinavian - she has a face like a norse

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Wed Sep 27, 2017 7:16 pm

To that man on crutches who stole my camouflage jacket - You can hide but you can't run

accrington fan · **Joined:** Wed Jan 20, 2016 3:22 pm **Posts:** 19610

cleaning is the most pointless activity as it gets dirty again as soon as you finish.

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Thu Sep 28, 2017 8:51 pm

How many Freudians to change a lightbulb?

Two, One to change the bulb while the other holds his cock err, the ladder.

Montpoolier · **Posted:** Thu Sep 28, 2017 11:37 pm

How many Lesbians to change a light bulb?
Two: One to change the bulb and the other to SUCK MY DICK.

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Fri Sep 29, 2017 11:05 am

My wife has changed since becoming a vegetarian, it`s like I've never seen herbivore.

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Mon Oct 02, 2017 1:28 pm

Experts say the best way to make a cup of tea in the morning is to agitate the bag, so every morning I shout " 2 sugars fat arse".

PJPoolie · **Joined:** Wed Mar 06, 2013 6:28 pm **Posts:** 15342

It's biggest crimes are against humour.

It's about as funny as the Battle of the Somme.

monkeybutt · **Posted:** Tue Oct 03, 2017 5:12 pm

phil wrote:

We have one thread on here criticising and disowning racism. Meanwhile this thread (filled with racism, sexism, misogyny and ablism) seems to just rumble on. It's embarrassing.

Ah PJ without the J :hand:

Best One Liners

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