Was down Hereford with three others and someone suggested a tour of various cider producers. We turned up at one which included a guided tour of the extensive orchards (zzzzzzzz) so I declined and while the rest trudged off I sat in a seat in the dappled sunlight. Bliss.
Then it went tits up. I'm sat in the middle nowhere when a huge Bull Mastiff comes rumbling towards me. (Oh fuck ) It stares at me then snuggles up resting it's massive head on my feet and falls asleep. There was no escape and I sat frozen for nearly an hour not daring to upset it. Till it recognised a friendly face in the distance and ambled off.
Ever been in a similar situation ?

Someone talking about fecking apples? How tedious.

If only he was talking about crab apples eh?

I remember about 15 years ago in me youth on a night out I was in takeaway joint about 2am. Just ordered a chicken kebab wrap (I seem to remember there was pepperoni in it for some reason) with salad, touch of garlic sauce and portion of chips separate and got a phone call from a lass asking if I was going round.

Jumped in a taxi to hers and when I turned up she had the impression id bought the food for her.

So I was in a quandry, give her the food and no doubt get me end away or tell her its mine and probably come accross as a tight, greedy bastard.

Anyway I kind of laughed her original assumption that it was for her off and sat in front room when she reappeared with two plates.

I just walked out and never saw her again.

9/10 for the wrap by the way.

Friend of mine (no names, but he played in the PK's!) got tapped with this lass from Shotton in 42...

Takes her home to said village, but they "have to be quiet " as her folks are akip upstairs.

Anyway, about halfway through the interesting bit he hears a shout from the upstairs of her house. "Has he gone yet Our Wendy?"

Wendy, decides to stage a "fake exit" for my mate by opening the door, a few fake "byes" etc, and they would sneak back in and continue where they left off...

About five more minutes elapse and he's on the last lap when the voice from upstairs sounds again..

"Has he gone yet Our Wendy"??

"Yes Mam, he's gone" lying through her teeth...

"Good. Can you bring a bucket up from the kitchen? Your Dad's shit the bed again!!""

I met a girl who I used to work with in Llandudno, an American who used to cock tease daily, I left the area in Manchester and moved to Wales, anywho she had recently moved there and was walking her Alsation on the beach, I had just popped over to get some scran on way back from Chester.

So after the initial OMG how the hell are you blah blah, she said you wanna get a drink, I said I was driving, she said I could stay at hers on the couch, so headed off to a bar and boy could she drink, 2 bottles of bud to my one(always been a shandy belly), she was getting friendly but had always been a cock teasing bitch and just went with the flow.

6 hours later and i`m wrecked, we head for food and back to hers, after consuming kebab, most of which was on my shirt, she said take it off and i`ll stick it in washer, so obliged and she came back from kitchen in her underwear and proceeded to jump all over me, was a steamy 10 minutes or so and she was a fucking horn tablet, no holds barred and she was getting it, rolled on the profalactic and mission control gave the go ahead, was humping away when all of a sudden I felt a something wet on my arsehole, I thrust forward in surprise and she was going "oh yeah", looked behind me and it was her fucking alsation licking my hoop and I have always had a fear of dogs.

So what to do, risk getting marshmallow cock due to fear of hound with probing tongue or try to schoo it away without her noticing, hmm, anyway I started pumping at a rate of knots to complete the mission and she was a crazy bitch, started screaming "harder", jesus I was nuts deep with a fucking dog still trying to lick my arse and she took the thrusting away from the dog as a "Oh yeah baby moment".

I wish I could say it ended well but her 17 year old daughter came downstairs to see what the noise was about and any remaining ardour was well and truly cooled. She attempted to give me a bj to get me back but junior was having none of it.

I promised to keep in touch and come back but 4 years later when I knocked at the door after a night out there, the woman in flat above said she had gone back to Manchester

PS the grease didn`t come out of my shirt!

I really, really, really wish I never saw that post.

ffs

Can a mod delete my account please

And mine!!!!

It said tricky situations, it was and no milk

Cider apples, big difference.

Can I add opening this thread to the things I should not have done thread please?

I already did.

I was eating beef jerky until about 2 minutes ago.

Was.

Can someone delete my eyes


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I keep getting images from the film "Human Centipede" but obviously with a dog at the end of the chain.

Misogyny, bestiality, kebab fat and and a vulnerable teen all in one post. A new low for Mr Butt?

I strive to please and her name wasn`t Ogyny.

Is it just me who was pissing laughing reading about the dog then?

Very similar to an anecdote told by Woody Harrelson's character in True Detective 1.

For the sake of my own sanity I'm hoping MB's tale is, ahem, a shaggy dog story.

Sorry to tell you it is true, due to the adverse reaction, I have held off telling the other tricky situation when I met the daughter 6 years late

Thr carpet will need steam cleaning.

Please tell.

If I am to keep my head held high when we meet again at an event, I must keep schtum on this

Because getting rimmed out by Keith Lard's ex isn't embarrassing enough?

She doesn't really fit the profile of a 'cock tease' either does she considering she was prepared to put out in front of the family pet and her daughter.

When she was at work, she used to come in the butchers and lift her skirt and walk out, classy I know!

you wouldn`t have said no, she was really fit but a screw loose.

More of an outright slag than a cock tease to be fair.

Mr Butt, I think it would be easier for you to list the sexually depraved acts you've haven't performed. That way we won't have to read about the ones you have.

I reckon some will have pulled one out over it.

I know I have many a time

For the love of God!?

You are admitting... on a public forum for to having a sexual encounter involving a canine stored in your 'wank tank?'

I feel like I need to shower every time I read your contributions to this forum.

You should move to Morroco you'd be considered quite normal;


http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news ... irror_main

WTF is that story by the way, stop the World I'm getting off.

I've heard of a 'threesome', but that seems to cover several boxes. Are the RSPCA aware?

I didn't ask the bloody dog to intrude, perhaps he thought I was attacking her and not something i would wish to happen again.

If I lived in Morocco, I would change my name to Mustapha wank.

I've got a couple of dogs and if they thought somebody was attacking me they'd be far more likely to bite them than start licking their arse.

All dogs bite in that situation. I can only assume it didn't because the one thing they like more than biting is eating.
So was your arse covered in a selection of various meat flavoured nibbles and the dog was merely deciding what to scran first?

Didn't think this could get much worse but you've proved me wrong by adding meat flavoured nibbles to the mix Snowy.

Please stop

He just thought I was his bum CHUM
Or PAL

Or, ....Hunky Chunks.

We need the dogs version of events.

Unfortunately the dog passed away shortly afterwards.

They said it was out of character for him to run out in front of the lorry.

Strangely enough, the daughter took the dog on when her mum went back to Manchester and we got to meet again

Can you clarify that

Oh shit, fat fingers just reported your post by mistake 8

Some things best left unsaid snowy, there are some sensitive people on hear!

Your secrets safe with me and the Internet

Strangely enough I've already heard a story almost identical to MB's that happened on the WHRFC Euthanasians' trip to play Windermere.
The woman in question was the boarding house landlady.
This must be much more common than I thought.