As it’s the time of peace and goodwill to all men, I would like to make the following confession from last Christmas.

And maybe you could all exorcise some past mistakes here too.

Anyway:

I was required to carry out a shopping errand at Billingham…..Argos.

Twas the week before Christmas.

I drove into the car park, and there were no spaces available. So I drove round and round until one became available.

An old dear was trying to reverse out of her spot. I pulled up and waited.

Unfortunately she was struggling, so I pulled right over to give her a bit more room.

When she got the car out she then needed more room to get going, so I pulled my car forward slightly past the space.

At this point another car pulled up right behind me, but to get into the space I needed to reverse a bit.

The bloke in the car behind just wouldn’t back up…..so unless I reversed into him, I had nowhere to go.

Neither of us moved for about 2 minutes. In the end I mouthed something to him, and moved forward, and he got my space.

I drove round again, and pulled up alongside him, and just stared. He got out and walked into the town centre.
I eventually found another spot.

I walked towards his car, and noticed some dog shit near his car. I then found a twig and stuck it into the shit, and gently smeared it over his door handle.

If the man in question reads this:

I hope you got shit all over your hand and rubbed it into your eye causing a severe infection. I then hope you didnt wash your hands properly, and touched your childs dummy, and I hope said child then put dummy in their mouth and had the shits all over Christmas.

Sorry, I digress:

So as it’s the season of goodwill to all men, I thought it good to repent my sins.

That's cheered me right up, I hope you're glad you got it off your chest.

Oh aye.

My mate once blocked a bloke in with his car at the Cricketers Inn behind Bramall Lane.

When he got back to his car and opened his car door, someone had had a wank on his door handle.

that's known as "seagulling" that is

mind you there's normally a couple inside having it off for the gull to secrete his deposit on the outside of the car

Or nor, he was in The Leadmill watching a band.

surely the seagull will have needed more inspiration

He might have been watching A Flock Of Seagulls, he never told me who the band was....

hard to conjure up vinegar strokes thinking along those lines ha!ha!