I see that By Toutatis have passed their target in fundraising for their new album. Excellent news.

And erstwhile poster Mr R Hardwick has co-written and organised an exhibition in Durham, related to Cuthbert and the Lindisfarne Gospels, opening tomorrow. Well done him.

This has given me an idea for a new thing for the Bunker. People can send their achievements to me and I'll give them an encouraging mention.

Is this OK, Mr I?

I was interviewed for Tyne Tees news in 1997 when I was 8 about my views on snakes.

I was once on Fox Kids.

Wait, wait. I need my notebook.......

I came close to an achievement. I was once the star of the headline on the Football Mail’s back page with "Simmons show West the way." It's just a shame that's not how you spell my name.

If they'd spelt it right, now that WOULD have been an achievement.

I was on tv and also got my masters dissertation published

You must think I'm stupid. This is a professional venture. I'm not including folk who pretend they're other people who just happen to have a similar name.

See what happens? A paper spells your name wrong and you forfeit your personality.

I once had a record I co-wrote in the top thirty of the "hit parade"

It isn't exactly fame but I once achieved enough notoriety to get on the front page of the Sun and be the lead item on Sky News- soon blew over but it was very weird at the time.

And Mr MFR made avery dashing appearance on the Lottery show a few weeks back. He was looking all wind blown and rugged

I was once on catchphrase

I starred (as an extra) in Catherine Cooksons - A Wingless Bird.

Sporting wise was Junior British champion in taekwondo back in 2000.

Were you the lad who pulled its wings off?

I finished runner up on Mastermind in 2011.

No I taxed a rabbit off a market stall.

I once saw Nick Nairn in a cafe

Edited for accuracy.

Didn't Princess Margaret once rent a bike off you? That's a better claim to fame than seeing Nick Nairn.

I've shaken hands with Paul Daniels

I co-starred (as an extra) in a cult French fillum called 'Ma saison preferee' with Catherine Deneuve and Daniel Auteuil. My scenes were set on the banks of the Garonne in Toulouse where the fillum was set.

I've been on TV and radio (work related) and published quite a bit.

A similar thing befell me on the banks of the Seine at Quai d'Austerlitz. I forgot to ask the name of the film though. All I can say is it looked pretty cheap. Well it would, being French and all.

Meh - not sure, Nick Nairn is a fucking god up here. And it was Princess Anne. And her fella had oil all over his waterproof. Fecking scruffy bastard.

My right hand once appeared briefly on Look North. Seriously it did,

I got called a tosser off for taking his chips.

My right hand once appeared briefly on Look North. Seriously it did,[/quote]

George House or Mike Neville era?

Hmm. I see I'm going to need more chapters than I first thought.
Who wants to be interviewed first? On modern NHS-type principles, if you pay lots of money you go to the front of the queue.

ps. Grave, you seem have mistaken this for an audition for 'Would I lie to you?'

I once saw Tyne Tees early evening sex goddess Kathy Secker rummaging through the cheap knickers section in Fenwicks.

What was it doing to get Look North coverage without the rest of you being involved? You don't have to answer if it would incriminate you in any way.

Sigh. Toulouse, that means that she was famous, but not necessarily that you were. She didn't recognise you did she? Think about that for a minute..........

I know, for I was those knickers.

I'm so famous, people I've never met walk up to me on the steps of the Millennium Stadium and say "You're Montpoolier aren't you?"

The fact that she didn't report me to the police doesn't mean she didn't recognise me. I'll have to concede on the fame point though.

I used to hack into Emma 'Baby Spice' Buntons voicemail and listen to her messages, but that's not really a claim to fame, is it?

I did once put the phone down on Daniel O'Donnell for being an arrogant prick.

It will be once you're in court.

But that's because you were holding that placard, remember : Win ten pounds. Guess my name. Is it Napoleon, Montpoolier or Francois Hollande?

Right, so we have self-confessed stalkers, hackers, and the rest of you don't know what 'famous' means. So that's that.

Except for MFR who, I seem to remember, has a very attractive looking residence in Western Scotland, and who may therefore need to be interviewed.

Allez - I think it was the Mike Neville era, circa 1990

And Mssr Toulouse - my palm was striking a table hard, caught on camera, to illicit a response from some technical measuring thingamajig. All technical stuff care of a dodgy basement in the Civils Department of Durham Uni. For some reason they were not interested in seeing the rest of my honed physique.

None of which compares to the sighting of Nick Nairn. Seriously it doesn't.

I have an incredibly large willy.

What about infamous bunkerites....? Oon holiday once walking along the backz of some houses that backed onto thd beach, I turned to discover our lass who was supposedly behind me 100 yards back leaning over the wall talking to a woman doing a barbecue.... I stood as they chatted and laughed for five minutes (I was starving)...then lost it and shouted to ask if she was coming...she said her goodbyes and joined up with me as the women waved ....... "that was Zoe Ball, thanks for showing me up".... now if it had been her dad, fair enough.....then bumped into a woman who told us her husband was a blackbird...funny evening that.

I wrote the "Shepherds Of Gateshead" jingle. I was also employed by the Indian Government to put the little Red bits in Pilau Rice. Was also directly responsible for the ill-fated "Cabana" chocolate bar circa 1979.

That reminds me, isn't there some history about Pools badges that Mr Snowy was involved in hmmm?

I've appeared on Crimewatch several times now, and I put the ram in the ramma-lamma-ding-dong.

My great grandmother played football for England


This is an actual FACT

i invented cheesy wotsits

I shot the deputy

You lying get!

They employed me to put all the horrible tasting little seeds in curries though.

I have played Phil Mitchell's stunt double.

I can still do the Shepherds jingle in full.... the power of repetetive adverts eh?