Fortunately for our legendary midfielder I'm not one of the clowns who take great pleasure from slagging him off and seeing him as the anti-christ responsible for everything from the holocaust to the impregnation of Fred West's mam.

I say fortunately, and with no real apologies to Mr I, as when I got to footie last night Mr Humphreys wandered across the car park in front of my car giving me more than a good chance of hitting the accelerator and knocking him down. You'll all be glad to know that I pressed the brakes instead.

Shall we have another 6 page humphreys debate?

I once seen humphreys kick a walking stick away from an old man then laugh.

FACT!

i once saw richie humphreys march into tweddle childrens farm wearing a nazi uniform and stamp on a new born lambs head in front of 50 kids. He then ate the lambs brain, laughing all the while.

I saw him going in too, he coaches the kids there and has done for a while.

It's all part of Section 23.b on his contract

'Richie will be employed in some capacity by the club until his 65th Birthday. This includes starting every match if both his legs are working'

What I want to know is this...is there anyone else on Mr Ripper's secret non-hit list?

Just goes to show that Mr Ripper is a kind, considerate, friendly all round nice guy.

Maybe he just couldnt get his foot to his pedals quick enough?

Or maybe Richie was just too quick that he'd have got out of the way.

Nah, you're probably right...

I once saw him going into Greggs with a haversack.

richie humphreys is barred out of the jongleas comedy club in edinburgh for telling racist jokes

FACT!

i once saw richie humphreys in a mankini dancing on a table and singing i'am singing in the rain,sorry that's abit far fetched innit

I once saw Richie Humphreys in the Burn valley carrying a dead fox over his shoulder whistling the tune to Minder.

you should of got out your car and knelt down to the great man

A couple of Christmases ago I was shopping in Woolies and there was a mother with a young daughter (who was probably about 4 years old). The youngun saw a deluxe talking teddy bear (which happened to be the last one on the shelf). She obviously wanted it very badly and as she was reaching out for it with tears of joy in her eyes Ritchie Humphries sneaked up behind and kicked the girl in the head. Ritchie then grabbed the bear and while the young girl was sat crying he said "F*ck off you little cow, Im having it. Do you not know who I am!?". I then saw Ritchie stuff the bear into a tesco bag and leave the store without paying.

I did try and report it to the police but they told me there was nothing which could be done as he is 'untouchable' and that they would be sacked for doubting Ritchies good nature. As I left the police station I heard one of the cops on the phone whispering "..they are on to you Ritchie, you better train extra hard this week and get your photo taken for the mail with some happy kids".

FACT

i heard that Osama Bin Laden is claimed to be leader of Al Quaeda to thow us from the scent of their real leader.....Richie Humphreys. He is also a member of the KKK and regularly practices satanic worship.

Apparently he sold his soul to the devil many years ago, in return for being guaranteed a place in the Pools starting XI for eternity.

Think about it....

Shuggy - got a random injury that plagued him until he was released.
Robbie Elliott - a defender who regularly played in the top flight, but when he came to us, he was suddenly and inexplicably gash

And THEN Humphreys decided in the Summer that HE wanted to play in midfield....since then Richie Jones has gone off the rails requesting a transfer and Sweeney has become even more gasher than usual. Rowell has been kidnapped and not seen for many weeks.


Its all starting to make sense now...

Has anyone else ever had the opportunity to seriously injure or even kill a Pools player?

I once tried to take out Nicky Southall with a sniper rifle from the Christ Church tower, I narrowly missed but at least Dermot Gallagher gave a penalty.

i tried to take roy hogan out on the rec once big mistake

like it

I was once on a bus to Stockton (227) when Tony Barrass and Kenny Davies got on and sat in the seat behind me. Tony Barrass got off in Billingham and I would have had the opportunity to trip him up as he passed my seat but I thought better of it.