I walked into a bar the other day, and I said, "Oooff you twat," as it was an iron bar

Went into the library this morning, cut the bottom 6" of my trousers, gave it to the librarian and said "there's a turn-up for the books"

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy s.

Q: What Did The Elephant Say To The Naked Man?
A: How Do You Eat With That Thing?!

A set of jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.
" That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "you drive, I'll fire the gun "

Two monkeys in the bath.

One says 'oo oo oo-oo'

The other one says 'Well put some cold in....'

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A Piiig

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car."

Sorry Mr A

What's the difference between outlaws and inlaws

outlaws are wanted!