Her.... We went out for lunch today

Me... Where to..?

Her ...just the Pot House.

Me... Did you have the fish ?

Her...No, .... had the cod pieces instead

Me ................................er, isn't cod, fish?

Her....you're just being awkward now

Snakes with tits.

If she reads this you'll end up with a tag on your big toe, ...hang about while I shout her............

True story.............................


Bloke and his missus watching telly. He says; "for 60 odd doesn't that Joanna Lumley look well"
Aye, says the missus.

A full four months later they're about to eat.

"This steak could do with a couple more minutes under the grill, its a bit too rare" says bloke.

Woman replies "well get Joanna friggin Lumley to make your tea then!!"

They forget nothing unless they want to.

She'll have to sew them back on first.

Snakes with tits.

I suspect O O has been rejected by women.

You suspect right. But hopefully not ALL women.

The place............. Beamish museum
My mate and his missus.
Missus stood looking inquisitivley at a sundial in the garden..............the conversation.................


Him. are you ok?
Her. Yes but whats this?
Him. its a sun dial.
Her. what do you mean?
Him. Well when the sun comes up as it moves around it casts a shadow on the dial and by this you can tell what time it is.

Her........EEEE what will they think of next !!!

Him...

I'll set the scene. Me and our lass sat watching an old rerun of bullseye. It gets to the final and the winning prize turns out to be a blue rover metro.

ME: Ere, that blue Metro there that he's just won, me mam had one of them, that might be her old car

HER: (Looking at me like im simple) DONT BE SO F#CKING STUPID, HOW CAN THAT BE YOUR MAMS OLD CAR WHEN THE REG SAYS BULLSEYE!!!!!

My mates wife, honestly believed bin men only worked one day a week, as they only collected their bin (on a monday) then got the rest of the week off.

And my all time favourite, many years ago another mate was ready to watch the last episode of Cold Feet, when there was a power cut, he had good moan, when his wife said

CALM DOWN JUST TAPE IT.

That's nothing. We had a power cut a while ago, around dinner time, and all eagerly rushed off to eat at the local Italian. It was only when we were leaving the restaurant that we remembered we have a gas cooker

I really hope you said that jokingly!

My wife arrived in this country early 70s and her first job was in John Joyce's betting shop settling bets. After the first race a punter comes up to the counter and hands over his betting slip. "So?" she asks. "I've got a winner," he says, "7/4 each way." "So come back when they've turned round and run the other way" she replies.

I remember taking our lass to pools one very cold november evening, sat in what used to be the old stand with hailstone blowing into our faces. She was amazed at how everytime the ball went out of the ground it emerged again from the dugout...I explained it was a bit like ten pin bowling and that there was a channel going all the way around the ground for just such emergencies...

We won 3-1 that night

Two years ago when I was showing my wife Google Earth for the first time I put in the post code for our house and showed her the aerial view.

She said that it was amazing and could I find her mother's house. So I put in the postcode and as google earth went fuzzy to load up the new photo she said 'why does it take so long?'

Joking I said 'Well give them a chance to move the satellite to over your mother's house.'

She said 'Oh OK!'

About an hour later she looked up from the damn cooking programme she was watching and said ' On that Google Earth thing what happens if two people want to look at different places at once??????'

This story has been on here before but it stands reheating.

I had an American bewer visiting and I was planning the Tuesday night game against Grimsby at home. A bit of cultural exchange.

So we checked into The Grand and then about 6.30 she decided she was hungry. The Grand doesnt cook until 7.00pm or didn't then. I'm obviously a bit agitated and she said, 'whassamadder, we might have to sit in the bleachers?'

So her grub turned up, undercooked on request (by me) and she made these scorched faces over some pasta and salad for about eight quid, whilst I had a pint and I frog marched her up to the ground.

At half time, while she was stood on the Millhouse, in full regalia and carrying an obviously stuffed handbag, she said, 'doesn't it get boring when it's all so one sided??'

She witnessed history. but obviously, being American she didn't understand history, 'cos it didn't involve the slaughter of natives or buffalo.

Back at the hotel she asked me why the people behind us kept calling the 'wide receiver' a 'dog noncing 'lovely lovely person'.'

I said it was a local term of affection.

Back at the hotel she asked me why the people behind us kept calling the 'wide receiver' a 'dog noncing c***.'

I said it was a local term of affection.

Thank you Mr Spender for giving me the greatest laugh I have had in ages

When we were first married she was reading in bed, put the book down and I took my chance to turn the light out and get some sleep,staright away the light's back on, ...... 'what's up I ask?'...'You'll have to leave the light on, I can't think in the dark'
Last night about 4, heading past Martyrs in the car, I pointed out two bright stars in the sky above the Mormon church.. "Ah, the North Star" in a manner so authoritive I was stunned...when I pointed out we were travelling South so shouldn't it be behind us, she never broke stride, she made a statement that will forever impress me..she said...." Ah yes........... well, when we reach the Fens shops, it'll be behind us, because we'll go under it near Wynyard Road shops .... then it'll be in the North"!

First post:

Took the wife and her mum for a Sunday afternoon ride up the Yorkshire Dales one spring.

Mother-in-law says: "Look at all those new-born lambs, they've got numbers painted on them" (indeed, they did)
I replied: "Yeah, that's so their mothers can recognise them"
"Oh, that's a good idea" she says back - then clips the back of my head two minutes later when she realised

True story

welcome to the board!

Believe me OO ....If you had been with a woman you would know ...

I was on an early start one morning so thought I'd better go put petrol in the car. Our lass says that there's a new petrol station on Belle Vue Way (Morrisons). As it was nearly midnight I asked her if it was a 24 hour station , yes she said. When I got there it was closed so when I got back I said "you said is was a 24 hour station" She said "Yes, she said but I didn't say it was open 24 hours"

When I was changing a wheel on my old car a few years back I was just about finished and about to put the wheel trim back on when the mrs piped up make sure that the logo is on the right way round

In a quiz my auntie made a storming response.

Q/ Name a famous British flower starting with B...

A/ Bero!

In the pub shes drinking vodka & someone mentions that its strong 40% duty free stuff,she says "So if you have double it will be 80%"