the Holy Church of Brittania High

Frodraff · **Posted:** Thu Nov 06, 2008 7:30 pm

Salty wrote:

I'm stockpiling as we speak Brother.
oh, you might need your passport, we're going to Americee!

Don't forget the firelighters.

BillinghamPoolie · **Posted:** Fri Nov 07, 2008 1:36 am

Salty wrote:

great to have a bus driver on board!!! he may come in very useful one day......

group sex?
oh dear, I think I'm going to have to come up with a set of rules to keep my followers in line....

I think you'll need more women as well, or Florence is going to be very tired.

grabec · **Posted:** Fri Nov 07, 2008 10:59 am

BillinghamPoolie wrote:

Salty wrote:

great to have a bus driver on board!!! he may come in very useful one day......
group sex?
oh dear, I think I'm going to have to come up with a set of rules to keep my followers in line....

I think you'll need more women as well, or Florence is going to be very tired.

What has all this to do with me?
As I understand it, the brethren have eyes only for each other

Salty · **Posted:** Fri Nov 07, 2008 11:11 am

Again, this is a very public forum, we don't want what happens in private to be made known to the entire world or questions very rightly will be asked and I'll have to come up with some elaborate cover-up story to keep my ever growing band of followers from losing faith in me, frig! I mean the church!! banghead

please use your discretion in this matter, thankyou

grabec · **Posted:** Fri Nov 07, 2008 3:04 pm

Think a spot of re-training is needed here. confised

Don't worry......after the immaculate conception classes, all will be clear

Mr Ripper · **Posted:** Fri Nov 07, 2008 3:08 pm

Florence wrote:

Think a spot of re-training is needed here. confised

Don't worry......after the immaculate conception classes, all will be clear

You need it to be done immaculately?

I'll see if I'm free.

MutleyRules · **Posted:** Fri Nov 07, 2008 7:59 pm

Salty · **Posted:** Fri Nov 07, 2008 11:26 pm

this is a lesson for us to learn and take to our hearts my brethren, there WILL be those that mock our Church and our beliefs.

We must not take it to heart and let it get in the way of what we believe in.
Remember, the time is getting ever closer!!

Salty · **Posted:** Sun Nov 09, 2008 12:05 pm

Salty wrote:

Remember, the time is getting ever closer!!

Keep your eyes on the prize my people.

If you want to scare the shit out of your kids with a messgae of eternal damnation if they dont join with us, I urge you to do so.....young minds-easily warped!

get to it flock

Salty · **Posted:** Mon Nov 10, 2008 4:29 pm

The lesson for today is entitled 'Wake Up', food for thought people....

Wake Up

I wanna live like everyday is the last day,
The last day of my life
I wanna feel like I'm out on a ledge and I'm lovin' myself,
I wanna learn to fly
I wanna stand on the edge of the world, throw myself off and be happy to fall yeah

Why , why , why don't you even try
to open up your eyes?

wake up Live your life
Wake up It'll be alright
When you feel it, and you know it
Wanna shout it, wanna show it
Wake up.

I wanna feel like I'm runnin' away and I can't stop,
'Till I'm where I wanna be
I wanna hurt yeah I wanna be scared, I'll be freaking out,
But that's alright with me
I'll take a breath like the world is out of oxygen,
And I use it just to laugh

Why , why, why don't you even try
to open up your eyes?

Wake up Live your life
Wake up It'll be alright
When you feel it, and you know it
Wanna shout it, wanna show it
wake up and live your life

Wake up Live your Life
Wake up It'll be alright
When you feel it, and you know it
Wanna shout it, wanna show it
When you feel it, and you know it
Wanna shout it, wanna show it
wake up and live your life

grabec · **Posted:** Mon Nov 10, 2008 4:47 pm

Oh, get on with it. :roll:

I've had other offers, you know, and so has PoK. Can't speak for half, of course

Salty · **Posted:** Mon Nov 10, 2008 4:53 pm

Get on with what sister?!

grabec · **Posted:** Mon Nov 10, 2008 5:05 pm

Hmm...seems to be a misunderstanding here. You mean it's started already? this is , like, it?

No 'let there be light' grand opening??

Poolie of Kent · **Posted:** Mon Nov 10, 2008 5:09 pm

I hope this cult isn't going to end up the same as those poor people at Jonestown who all killed themselves. :grin:

grabec · **Posted:** Mon Nov 10, 2008 5:11 pm

Things are ominously pointing that way, Mr Kent

Poolie of Kent · **Posted:** Mon Nov 10, 2008 5:13 pm

You could "close the church", you know.

Salty · **Posted:** Tue Nov 11, 2008 2:32 pm

Florence wrote:

Hmm...seems to be a misunderstanding here. You mean it's started already? this is , like, it?

No 'let there be light' grand opening??

no, the day of redmption is 14th Dec. 2008...keep this date before you at all times ever looking forward to a brighter happier future.
In the meantime we must keep on enduring through these bad times that we live in....

keep the faith Sis.Flo!

Poolie of Kent wrote:

I hope this cult isn't going to end up the same as those poor people at Jonestown who all killed themselves. :grin:

earlier in the thread I was contemplating a mass movement to Americee POK, but had a town called Smithstown in mind more....

As my first faithful disciple I urge you also to keep the faith brother, as there is no chance of this [lucrative] Church closing just yet!! :wink:

grabec · **Posted:** Tue Nov 11, 2008 2:34 pm

Look, God, this has gone on long enough. It's all promises, promises with you.

I shall become a Quaker instead :coool:

Salty · **Posted:** Tue Nov 11, 2008 2:42 pm

One thing at a time...

Florence it may seem that I'm just making futile promises and that what I'm saying is a load of balloney, but I assure it is not! We must have the faith brave soldier better times are ahead, just wait and see,keep ever faithful and never forget that God loves a cheerful giver!

Brother Half a Pint

please do call me Salt of the Earth for that is what I am!

I urge you to pay attention to the wise words that I have given Sister Florence also, and then yes! we can make a sacrifice beyond our own physical and material ones that we have already given!

Salty · **Posted:** Tue Nov 11, 2008 2:44 pm

Salty wrote:

Brothers and Sister!

I have an important anouncement.
REDEMPTION IS NIGH!!!
Yes, the end is upon us.
I can now predict that Sunday 14th December 2008 will be the day that we will be saved.

The time is upon us to act and act now!
But do not be fearful nor afraid, but rejoice for the time is short and a brave new world is just around the corner.

In addition to telling your friends and family of this joyous news and urging them to join with us, you can make donations directly to me by cheque [jewellry and other valuables may be donated as well], stocks/bonds/real estate/wills [yes even if you die you can still give me. I mean the church, your money]/trusts etc.

Do not delay for the time upon us is short!!

Stock up on cans like, cos after the end has happened we could run short.
cool

I'm quoting myself as we all need constant reminders Brothers + Sister.
Pay particular attention to how one can keep on donating!
Your reward will be great my brethren

Frodraff · **Posted:** Wed Nov 12, 2008 1:20 am

I think it started off as a joke but he believes it now.

Who's been sending him money.

I notice Greenall's Gin shares have been particularly buoyant of late.

Salty · **Posted:** Wed Nov 12, 2008 3:15 pm

It was never a joke Mr.F......I'm getting well in with the Masons now....oh yes! the money just pays for essential running costs, you know I run a strictly not for profit organisation even though we are now in the top 10 of this country's highest earners...all the money does go to good causes,yes good causes thats it!

anyways you're distracting me from my message of hope and happiness

time is running short, theres always a place for you in the church Mr.F

keep on enduring Brethren

Salty · **Posted:** Wed Nov 12, 2008 3:20 pm

Just a half please wrote:

Dear Salt of the Earth

Can I suggest, oh great one, that we adopt the Fabulous Divine Comedy song Gin Soaked Boy as our morning hymn to sing to you?

PS:

Are you going saturday? if so, its your round.

You may sing that particular hymn yes! great thinking my Brother, with thoughts and donations like yours you'll be a leader of our flock in no time!

I shall be in attendance this Saturday yes, its good to have wholesome entertainment aside from the more important things that we must do, like declaring the word of the HCoBH to all who have ears.

I would like to buy a round, but I am a mere minister of the church....I have no worldly means to pay for said round! But your generosity in this matter will be looked upon extremely favourably!

Salty · **Posted:** Wed Nov 12, 2008 3:28 pm

I shall 'pretend' I never heard that Brother....

Salty · **Posted:** Wed Nov 12, 2008 3:33 pm

I'm sure we can provide her with enough joy ourselves...!

we do need more sisters though

young,fit nubile ones [not suggesting our dear Sister isn't any of those things, of course she is......just saying I could do with some.....]

Salty · **Posted:** Wed Nov 12, 2008 3:44 pm

What first started out as quite a lax cult is now turning ever more serious.
We have an image of positivty and clean living that we must put on for the public at least!!
[what we do in private of course is nobodies business and without 2 witnesses to the 'activity' no-one can prove a thing! :wink:

]

Please Mr.Half discontinue casting our church in spurious light like this by using words like penis.

thankyou

Salty · **Posted:** Wed Nov 12, 2008 4:10 pm

meet me in the back room after tonights lesson, we need to have words.

Salty · **Posted:** Wed Nov 12, 2008 5:33 pm

you'll be there :roll:

grabec · **Posted:** Wed Nov 12, 2008 5:50 pm

Has this place no bullying policy? If so get it sodding well activated. I'm not having my personal attributes discussed by you horrible little twerps :evil:

Salty · **Posted:** Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:47 pm

lesson for the day....

There is no short cut to a dream
But i am not afraid i'll take it all the way
Im gunna give more than it takes
Work harder than the rest till im the very best

you think youv'e got it all figured out
You think ur so damn cool whats that all about
But ive got mime just watch this space
And you just wait
Hold up a mirror you should see yourself
You think your so much better than everybody else
But i've got time just watch this space
And you just wait

There's something deep inside my heart
Burns with a thousands flies
So relentess my desire
I see a future shine so bright
Beyond the finish line
Im gunna make it mine

you think youv'e got it all figured out
You think ur so damn special whats that all about
But ive got mime just watch this space
And you just wait
Hold up a mirror you should see yourself
You think you think that you wont stumble like everybody else
But i got time just watch this space
And you just wait

You bring your best
I'll be one step ahead
Your tears will fall
You'll be falling instead
you just wait
Im not afraid
And im not backing down
Shut up your eyes
And its coming around
you just wait

Indeed, you just wait untill 14/12/08......keep that day in mind Brothers.

grabec · **Posted:** Thu Nov 13, 2008 1:20 pm

Ooo. I like that. Things are looking up a little. But it reminds me...I need a clothes allowance. I've no suitable kaftan-like garments to wear for ceremonies, feast days, the odd ritual , all that.
Also I want a pay rise and promotion to Mother Superiorship.

grabec · **Posted:** Thu Nov 13, 2008 1:22 pm

When I get my promotion, YOU will be the first to go :coool:

Salty · **Posted:** Thu Nov 13, 2008 1:22 pm

Indeed, keep your eye simple sister!

grabec · **Posted:** Thu Nov 13, 2008 1:23 pm

Salty wrote:

Indeed, keep your eye simple sister!

By looking at HIM, you mean??

Salty · **Posted:** Thu Nov 13, 2008 1:24 pm

whatever works best for you :wink:

Salty · **Posted:** Fri Nov 14, 2008 2:24 pm

in your head only Sir, anyway after the severe dressing down I gave you in the back room I expect you to be on your best behaviour! [publicly at least....remember without 2 witnesses they can prove nothing! NOTHING I tells ya!]

anyway, todays lesson

Now i know where to go
I'm not following the crowd but theres so many faces staring at me
Im not going with the flow
Ive gotta wave goodbye and say hello
To unfamilliar circumstances

I'm gonna start believing in myself
Its up to me and no one else
Im feeling

This could be the start of something
I can feel my heart is jumping
Want to walk but cant stop running
I cant stop running
Good to be a part of something
Once upon a time was nothing
This could be the start of something good

Lifes a bitch
Lifes a mess
Its tryna find your way its not so easy
Its not the way it looks on tv
Im fully clothed
But still undressed
Like im walking on the highest wire
Without a safety net below me

Aint another place i'd rather be
Listen to the voice inside of me
Thats shouting

This could be the start of something
I can feel my heart is jumping
Want to walk but cant stop running
I cant stop running
Good to be a part of something
Once upon a time was nothing
This could be the start of something good

Good to be where i belong
Its just so good to belong
Maybe this time is the one
Maybe this time is the one time ive been waiting for too long

This could be the start of something
I can feel my heart is jumping
Want to walk but cant stop running
I cant stop running
Good to be a part of something
Once upon a time was nothing
This could be the start of something good

Salty · **Posted:** Sat Nov 15, 2008 11:48 am

Salty wrote:

Brothers and Sister!

I have an important anouncement.
REDEMPTION IS NIGH!!!
Yes, the end is upon us.
I can now predict that Sunday 14th December 2008 will be the day that we will be saved.

The time is upon us to act and act now!
But do not be fearful nor afraid, but rejoice for the time is short and a brave new world is just around the corner.

In addition to telling your friends and family of this joyous news and urging them to join with us, you can make donations directly to me by cheque [jewellry and other valuables may be donated as well], stocks/bonds/real estate/wills [yes even if you die you can still give me. I mean the church, your money]/trusts etc.

Do not delay for the time upon us is short!!

Stock up on cans like, cos after the end has happened we could run short.
cool

I'm quoting myself as we all need constant reminders Brothers + Sister.
Pay particular attention to how one can keep on donating!
Your reward will be great my brethren

Repetition for emphasis

Salty · **Posted:** Sun Nov 16, 2008 7:12 pm

friends, as a matter of urgency I'd like to impress on you the need to cultivate a loving and generous spirit. To make it easier for you to donate money/bonds/etc I've set up a website at www.CHoBHgifts.org

thankyou for your co-operation in this matter

Mister Ed · **Posted:** Mon Nov 17, 2008 4:48 pm

Hello........hello...... anybody here?

Sanctuary I seek sanctuary, and a little food and water (or wine , infact, forget the water), and other gifts from the church, as I'am down on my luck .......a nice new warm winter coat, from those generous people of the church,.....

Salty · **Posted:** Mon Nov 17, 2008 4:49 pm

Mr Half Pint incurred the wrath of me,God....as usual he went a step too far with his lesson on munging, he thought it be particularly appropriate post doomsday.

As a result Mr. Half a pint is no longer one of the members of the HCoBH.

Usual rules of not talking to him, inviting him to parties or weddings - even IF he's a family member apply.

It might seem harsh, but I make the rules and its for his own good.

Salty · **Posted:** Mon Nov 17, 2008 4:53 pm

Mister Ed wrote:

Hello........hello...... anybody here?

Sanctuary I seek sanctuary, and a little food and water (or wine , infact, forget the water), and other gifts from the church, as I'am down on my luck .......a nice new warm winter coat, from those generous people of the church,.....

Welcome my lost sheep, welcome!!!!!

you certainly reside with us, perfect fodder is what you are!
down on your luck? hungry? depressed?
A brain ripe for the washing!!!!!

just one little thing.....erm, we don't give out the charity! what the fook do you take us for? caring Christian types?!
no no no no no no
no matter how little you have always remember the parable of the widow's mite. She gave her very last coins even though of small value.
Her reward was great, as yours will be my son..!

Mister Ed · **Posted:** Mon Nov 17, 2008 4:57 pm

well can I have the lead of the roof then, before the pikey's get it?

Salty · **Posted:** Mon Nov 17, 2008 5:02 pm

we don't meet in a frivelous building Ed, can I call you Brother Ed?!
we meet in a windowless building, less distractions from the brain washing sessions I-I mean informative discussions we have....
Tomorrows lesson is about doomsday, which is coming on 14/12/08...I urge you to attend and bring your family with you too...you'll find donation boxes at the back near the door.
Pick up your brain and deposit some money on your way out!

Mister Ed · **Posted:** Mon Nov 17, 2008 5:20 pm

I think "him who cannot be named" took the boxes when he left!!!!!!!

Salty · **Posted:** Mon Nov 17, 2008 5:47 pm

he may well have done, but I took the contents already!!!

Obafemi Obsession · **Posted:** Mon Nov 17, 2008 10:37 pm

First post and you're a moderator? welcome to the board!

Salty · **Posted:** Tue Nov 18, 2008 3:46 pm

Thin and Crusty wrote:

May I join this church. I am but a thin and crusty old man in need of nourishment.

you may join! the nourishment you'll find will refresh you spiritually....well the G+T will anyway....and you'll find eternal happiness in our church!

Salty · **Posted:** Wed Nov 19, 2008 12:28 am

Salty · **Posted:** Thu Nov 20, 2008 4:25 pm

We are nearing the end now brothers!!!!

repeat after me, I'm H-A-P-P-Y

grabec · **Posted:** Thu Nov 20, 2008 4:32 pm

I don't think I've ever seen that guy when he's not inside a green paisley dressing-gown

the Holy Church of Brittania High

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