I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'


Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'


I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'


I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.


I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood'
I said, 'Where is he then?'


My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.


I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'


I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.


I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.


I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.


The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.


I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'


I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first'
He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher
and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'


I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering,
exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out
that they're going to die.

Oh dear......... OH DEAR, OH DEAR, OH DEAR..............oh dear.

Few of them made me laugh out loud

Who's been watching Jimmy Carr then

I've given up my job at the helium baloon factory......I'm not going to be talked to like that!

Yeah they are from Jimmy Carr

Not me.
Those were an email sent to me & they sound more like Tommy Cooper expressions that Jimmy Carr to me.

If they aren't Tommy Cooper then the person who did write them should be ashamed of taking credit for them.

Vintage Tommy that like with one or two updates.

courtesy of chubby brown.
i walked into the chinkies, isaid to the bloke behind the counter, 'are them prawn crackers?'
he said, 'naw, they just like a fuckin good laugh'

They are from Tim Vine.

Jimmy Carr probably wasnt born when they were first said.