....have to go to the bog so many times in the night and be so annoying on the process...? Why does she have to tell me where she's going and why? Why do I have to sleep nearest the door in case the rapist/burglar breaks in (he never has) and thus be disturbed every time? ..Why does she have to interfere with the blinds in the bedroom to look out on a pitch black back garden for 4 minutes to eventually inform me it's dark out there...What the f*** did she expect? Wht do I have to be treated to the full sound effects of what sounds like a car ferry moving its ballast? WHY OH WHY oh WHY...does she have to come back and tell me where and what she's just done when she'd only just informed me where was going 5 mins earlier....finally, how does a bladder that has the capacity of a thimble take so long to empty.......Women, can't live with em ...er,that's it

women are aliens. If you peel the artificial human skin from their face, they in fact resemble those lizard looking creatures from the sci-fi series "V"

And........

Why does my misses wake me up to tell me it's time to take my sleeping pill

amd wake you up to tell you you're snoring - 'that'll be because i'm asleep dear!'

Think proactively, Snowy.
First of all state your problem non-judgementally to the person whose behaviour you would like to change (your wife). Then suggest a solution i.e that you would rather she didn't announce her to-ings and fro-ings in the night/rattle the blinds etc, because it wakens you up unnecessarily.
Then, being a reasonable lady she will stop doing it. Easy.

Oh, then buy her some flowers

That's always puzzled me that....Why do women like flowers????

I can't stand the smell of them!!!!

To be fair, skinheads arent really allowed to like flowers are they?
Unless you're of the camp variety and I dont think you are
Can hardly prance around to the Business with some gladioli sticking out your back pocket can you?
Me, I dont mind flowers being around but wouldnt bother buying them except for the odd occasion I do for our lass.
Usually I dont even notice they're there.
Beer and chocolate is my favourite

Oh I don't know, Mr Mutt does have his 'warmer' side. Take a close look at his bedroom pictures for example, they weren't all their lasses

I wouldnt want to take too close a look at his bedroom wall

Don't get me wrong....I like the look of flowers but just can't stand the smell of them!!!!

you have not learned the art of dying in your sleep then Snowman
works wonders for me

I'm afraid you're making the basic mistake of assuming they listen to anything you say to them..... then you use the word 'reasonable'... ...do you remember those pictiures from Moscow where they had the May Day parades where thousands of tanks rumbled down the street and those granite face, unemotional , expressionless, unamused people in fur hats took the salute....our lass was their 'life coach'...
As for flowers, if she wakes me up again to night she'll be getting flowers alright.... a F****** TRIFFID!

This thread has reminded me of a good old joke.

A couple had been married for over 20 years, and were in a bit of a rut.

Every morning the alarm would go off at 6am. He would roll over, and turn it off. Approximately 20 seconds later he would roll the other way and let off a tremendous stinking fart, before rolling back again. Without fail, every day.

And every day she would say to him 'one morning you're going to fart your guts out'. Without fail, every day.

The wife was getting a bit sick of this, and she decided to play a trick on him. She went to the butchers and bought a bag of offal. She hid it under the bed at night and waited for the next morning.

Sure enough, the alarm went off at 6am. He rolled over and turned it off. At this point the wife deftly emptied the offal into the bed next to where her husband would roll after farting. Then she left the bedroom and went to the bathroom. Just as she sat down on the bog, she heard a scream come from the bedroom.

In raced her husband, as white as a sheet. 'You were right!' he shouted. 'I did fart my guts out!' The wife managed to keep a straight face until he then said
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'But by the grace of God I managed to push them all back in again!'

clap

PS....'Offal'....that is the stuff that 'Spam' is made out of isn't it????

all processed meat has offal in it about 90% of it is offal

100% of it is offal.
In fact it's fookin' terrible!

100% may be in FRANCE mon ami
but in blighty you have to have at least ten % of meat in your meat

awful offal - official!

Whoooooooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got it Mr Head, obviously the older you get the less likely you are to grasp certain jookes