I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine,
it's a Bordeaux collie

Normal service resumed........

Don't forget, when mugged by a troupe of circus clowns, always go for the juggler.

A seal walks into a club...

I can't understand what all that fuss was over female linesman,
I mean, if there's one thing women specialise in, it's pointing out mens mistakes.

Auto correct is shite, just text my mate to ask if he fancied a wank down by the river........................I meant canal

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says "you remind me of my little toe"
Girl says "Why because I pink and cute"
And the guy says" no because I'm going to bang you on my coffee table later"

I asked Alexa "What do Women want?"

The damn thing hasn`t shut up for 3 days

Q: Where is the capital of England A: In the offshore bank accounts of the 1%

I quit my job at the helium factory today,
I'm not being spoken to in that tone of voice.

I ate a couple of Scotch eggs earlier,
the nurse in the Glasgow fertility clinic looked sickened.

I was looking after my mates snake, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I said to my wife, "What should I tell him?"
She said, "Just give it to him straight."

Blonde humour isn't everyone's plate of tea.

Wonder if that would work in The Royal ?

I'm into sadomasochism, bestiality and necrophilia.

Am I flogging a dead horse?

My first attempt at writing a porn fillum has fallen afoul of the estate of Roald Dahl.

Apparently, Will He Bonk Her in the Chocolate Factory? sounds too much like one of his books!

My wife asked me if she could have a little piece and quiet while she makes dinner.....
so I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

Knock Knock
who’s there ?....
Worst mistake
Anne Frank ever made!

Today I wanted to go to a workshop about 'Acceptance and Rejection' but they wouldn't let me in

Did you know?

Taller people sleep longer in bed.

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea?
because proper tea is theft.

There was a safety meeting in work today, they asked "What steps would you take in the event of a fire?"
apparently "Fucking big ones" was the wrong answer.

Nelson was about 5ft 6ins tall. His column is 17ft 4in.

That's Horatio of 1:3

Looking in a shop window with a mate, I pointed out an item and said, "that's the one I'd get."

Then a cyclops ran out of the shop and punched me.

It's Motown Weather Out There Tonight,,,,,, 3 Degrees,,,,, Maybe 4 Tops...!!!!

I took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques roadshow, "Ooh" said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition"?
" Sticks" I replied.

Nice try but it doesn't work. The 3 Degrees aren't Motown.

If on the way back from the pub, you see a little alien with red hat and fishing rod sat in a garden,
it may be an E.T faux gnome situtaion.

After knocking one out to porn, try whistling, "When I'm cleaning windows",
while you delete your internet history.

I see Mike Ashley has bought HMV....
he did promise Newcastle United he would make a record signing this transfer window!

I could barely lift my bottle of water earlier,
it was an Evian.

oooooops!

Brought a penis enhancement device off ebay...

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass!

My mates wife left him last Thursday.

She said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back!

I asked him how he was coping and he replied,

"I've been using that powdered stuff."

Evian spent backward is Naive, which perfectly describes someone who pays over the odds for a nondescript bottle of water.

I was at the self service checkout buying some apples and the automated voice said "unexpected item in the bagging area".
I know that I don't always have the healthiest diet but I felt that publicly announcing it was a little unnecessary

I'm in trouble with the wife, we were in bed naked and she says to me, "What would you like to do most with my body.

Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the answer she was expecting...!

Prostitute starts her first day on the game, the pimp says, "no sex for the first seven days, only wanks", .. She says, "why so"?.,
Pimp say, "Union rules, you have to do a week in hand"!..

Mick Hucknall arrested for shagging a rabbit

Police sources say he was `holding back the ears and singing bunnies too tight to mention`

As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way,

I think perhaps I wasn't the best tour guide.

After many years of putting it off, finally took the wife to doctors to sort out her tourettes, turns out she doesn't have it at all, I really am a 'lovely lovely person', and she really wants me to fuck off....

I've decided to sell all my chiropractic magazines,

I have loads of back issues.

There's a new a travel guide highlighting towns and cities with badly laid paving slabs.

It's called TripAdvisor!

I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was crap,
Lance is still in prison

Corduroy pillows are making headlines again!

Worst thread ever.

I should of known , you wouldn't of been posting a joke