A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.
What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him "You're with the circus aren't you?
I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the Ringmaster, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused.

"What the  **** would they want with a plasterer?

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a sip and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass and when he fills it, his wife asks him,

"But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight, mi amor, you drink from the bottle!!"

Arriba !!!

There was two golfers on the golf course.One of the men pulled out a cigarette, and asks his friend for a light.
His friend pulls out a 12 inch bic lighter.
Woa

An Irishman was sat at a bar when he noticed a lamp in the corner. He walked over to it and gave it a quick rub which made a genie appear from it. The genie said to the Irishman 'For releasing me from my prison I will grant you three wishes'. The Irishman thinks for a couple of minutes before deciding on wish number one, he said 'I would like a pint of Guinness that never empties'. In a flash the genie clapped his hands and a pint appeared on the bar, the Irishman picks it up and downs it in one, when he put the glass back on the bar it immediatley filled back up. The Irishman picks up the glass and drinks it empty again and once again the glass was refilled.

The genie was starting to get a little impatient and asked the Irishman what his other wishes were, the Irisman pointed at the glass and said 'I want two more of those'.