Thread title "One Liners 3rd edition!"
Author: Monkeybutt

Why do you bother to open it?
Masochism?

To be fair to Mr Butt he has admitted to previously supporting Manchester United and to adopting Pools later in life. Fair enough, and you can't blame him for enjoying PSG getting what they deserve.
Unlike his endless shut jokes that are often offensive. He came out with a similar 'snowflake' defence for his homophobic shite but deleted the posts in the end. Maybe the overall penny will drop one day? It did as far as football clubs are concerned.

Sadly he didn’t delete those posts either.

Not only does he do shit jokes but he spoilt my Xmas by not making bread.

hth

Sorry, will make it up to you.

I would call Yloop a lot of things and have done in past as he is a tosser but a snowflake isn’t one of them.

I only hope no spiders were hurt in the making of this joke.

Today is International Women's Day. It was supposed to be yesterday, but they took longer than expected to get ready.

Does Mrs Butt read this? If so, has she cut them off yet?

Still waiting

Remember the days when you could go to the shops with 50p and get a wham bar, bag of pic an mix, comic, can o pop, bag o crisps, gob stopper and bar of choccy and still come home with change, u cant do that these days, bastard cctv!

I wish I could find out who nicked the Jack from under my car.
The Suspension is killing me.

Why are there so many female Archaeologists?

Because women love digging up the past!

I went to a kleptomaniacs anonymous meeting last night but all the seats were taken...

Why does my wife always wait until i`m at the opposite end of the house before asking me to `Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!`?

I was walking down the street yesterday and someone threw a block of cheese at me !

I thought "that's mature"

I come from a family of failed magicians.
I’ve got two half sisters

What`s a catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A black coat, a white collar and you have to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

My girlfriend and I were on our way to see my parents when her car suffered a puncture....I rang my parents and spoke to my mum..." Hi Mum, we are gonna be late, my girlfriend has a puncture", she replied, " Oh Malcolm, I thought you had a real one this time!!".......

I took my wife to a disco at the weekend.
There was this guy on the dancefloor giving it large, breakdancing, moonwalking, backflips, the works.
My wife turned to me and said, "see that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
I said, "looks like he's still celebrating!"

Just bought a new first aid kit...

Thought I’d treat myself.

Did you know Ann Boleyn had a brother called Tenpin.

I despise people who do not have foot digits, I believe i`m lacktoes intolerant.

I've just been reading the script for the new 'Fairy Liquid' Advert.
Which has been updated to reflect modern Britain.

"Mummy, why are your hands so soft?"

"Because I'm only 14. Now shut up and eat your Pot Noodle before your Dad finishes school!"

I failed my ventriloquist exams...

I can't say I'm surprised!?

I went to get my tests results from the doctors today.
He said, “I have good news and bad news.”
I said, "So, what’s the good news?”
“Well,” he replied, “You’re not a hypochondriac.”

WARNING

Do not buy underpants from the Ukraine

Chernobyl fall out..

Holiday in Amsterdam - Have sex and get stoned

Holiday in Saudi Arabia - Have sex and get stoned

Sat in a restaurant, I got hit on the head by a prawn cocktail, looked round and the waiter shouts,
‘That’s just for starters!’

Little Johnny is sitting in front of the TV watching a program about NASA.
"I wish I could be shot into space" he said

"You would have been if your father had done what he was told" replied his mother......!

The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local patisserie is retiring next month...

There'll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes.

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started to count in his head and fell asleep

A Woman described me as a" Bit of a Looker"the other Day.

Well, Peeping Tom was the actual words she used.

just tried some of Elvis Costello's new Mediterranean sausages. They were wonderful.
I think olive salami is here to stay.

Yesterday, I ate two pieces of string, and today they've come out tied together.

I shit you knot...

Next seasons season ticket sale pitch is stay loyal your brilliant support 12th man etc will play a major factor in our promotion push.
Sorry we finished below this seasons target of consolidation.

My friend's pet snake's somehow climbed into my freezer.
I'm not sure how to tell him...
Think I'll just give it to him straight.

Went to a restaurant for a meal last night with the wife, slipped the shoes off and played footsie under the table.
I had steak and she got toed in the hole!

Whoever told me masturbation is better with a dead arm, fuck you!

I just ruined a funeral..

Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you`re a Saint

Go to the womens shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone goes ape

It may be the warmest day of the year so far,

but I made the decision to wear my PVC suit, and I'm sticking to it!

I was stood outside the pub yesterday and a woman walked up to me with a unlit cigarette and said "Do you have a light cock?"

I replied "Well it floats when I'm in the bath"

Hello, and welcome to Archery Club.

Will all new members step forward and take a bow

Just returned to a job at the local sewage works.

Nice to see so many old faeces.

Police recruiters have, once again, lowered their IQ requirement...

The plod thickens.

So, is a mini cooper, some kind of midget barrel maker?

When Lord Nelson died he was 5 foot tall.
His statue in London is 15 feet tall.
That's Horatio of 3:1

"Its a BOY"
I shouted with tears rolling down my face!

"I don`t believe it, a BOY"

It was at that moment I decided I would never visit Thailand again!