Me, I am writing one about a bunch of Polish strawberry pickers that let this farmer down and he has to employ a load of ex cons who just got out of Jail early.

They were all forced to buy a Darlo season ticket from their hard earned cash to help swell the crowd and boo new signing Adam Boyd as he used to play up the road.

I even have leading actor,his name is John Marshallow.

I am looking for a leading lady to play the role (maybe you know of someone).

It opens with the poor farmer calling all those Poles who are out spending their benefit money and being fleeced by the ex con smackheads who are not getting their score as easy as they did inside. As he watches his strawberry's rot the farmer cries..

The farmer was going to be Bernard Manning but he has let me down and gone and died so I have approached Barrymore but he may be tied up for a while.

Anyway I am allowed guest producers so get writing for me.

Don't give up your day job..........................

could the leading lady be tranny lawrence

No it will have to be a real woman to console that poor farmer.

Someone like Ann Widdicombe

Have you thought of asking Ricky Gervais to write an episode for you? He did for the Simpsons after all...

Oi....that's MY idea.

I've already done the first episode and I'm going to see if the gaffers at Monkeybusiness want it next season

Rubbish. You should just see what I've written about you.

I would invite all the soap people from every show into one area (actors/producers/tv bosses/writers and as many of the viewers of these things as possible), while they are all meeting each other an elite squadron of people who enjoy proper tv shows throws a big tarpaulin around them, and then pipes in the gas the Germans never used up from WW11. Job sorted.
The following week it will be everyone from those celebrity out of here/singing celebrity/big brother/dancing/love island/simon cowell sh-it whatever it is this week, and the week after would be those awful "Jerry , Jerry" Trisha-type programmes.

I would like to write on about William the conquerors family.

I think I would call it Imperial Leather (a good name for a soap methinks).

Just for the uneducated among you - and for me to show off - William the Conqueror was the son of a tanners daughter.

I'm beginnig to wish I hadn't said that.

The daughter of a sixpence?

About the size of an old penny



Okay look - before anybody says anything - I lied.


Her twopence is actually the size of a bucket and I wish to claim responsibility for it.