The other day I had the pleasure of starting a brand new roll of arsewipe during my usual early morning dunging session. However, I was a bit tired, and I neglected to fold the paper adequately - the result was a painful chafe from the starchy glued seal stripe on the second or third sheet.

Does anyone know of a quirky way to describe this painful mistake? I think the Viz Profanisaurus would benefit from it.

A dangerous situation but the alternative is a waste of at least 10 sheets. In these days of austerity its a real quandry. Better the help the country and suffer the risk of occasional chafing.

A pain in the arse

"Three sheets to the wind"

One of these is the obvious solution.

Grinding the crack

I'm turning the other cheek on this one.

Residual rectum rougher.

once... twice... three wipes a lady

We have a less clunky-looking but effectively the same as that Japanese bog in our gaff! Unreal..you get a lovely blast of warm soapy water, then a blast of warm water, then a drier. Its even got a remote control so you can vary the blasts..and the drier stops when you stand up! Quite remarkable really..bogs have come a long way since Henry Crapper!

Do people sit on toilet seats ?I'm a croucher. i just aim and fire a few inches above the seat..

Rectum retardation,starfish salve,rimmer roughage.

Rusty bullet hole wrecked

The standard term for this occurence is of course "sphincter rasp".

Andrex Aggro.

Do you lot still dig holes on the site and just fill em in before eviction

pile driver