Post your messages of appreciation here. You might even get a personal response!

I think I really love him. And I promise not to dump him by text.

Chip fireball invented listening to women

He does actually only listen to women though, 'cos when your playing football with him and you shout his name to recieve the ball, he doesnt look up and take notice.

He has a sixth sense that can only listen to the high pitched tone of a lady.

I actually send my girlfriends too him, they'd only end up there anyway.

do you think Chip got electrocuted in a bath of water, thus rendering him with a 'superpower' of being able to hear womens thoughts therefore being able to be the 'complete' lover.

Or is that Mel Gibson?

Im not gay but I would happily spend eternity on a desert island with chip.

i'm getting an erection just thinking about that Grave.

Mrs Grave calls his name repeatedly when we shag. She loves him too

Yes, she does!

I think he is really like him off the Inbetweeners who goes on about all the women he has shagged but really he has no success and is a total flop with the girls . A cross between him and Adrian Mole

Do you think Chip invented woman? But not in his own likeness ... that would be hideous.

You or the laptop?

Chip, as our resident love guru i was wondering if you could help me out ? What it is once a week i pop down the town to go to Poundland to get my toiletries such as deodrant, shampoo, dental floss, mouth wash, aftershave and a large bar of rum and raisen chocolate, now the same girl always serves me and as each week passes by the she has talked more and more to me and i think she fancies me.At first it was 'Do you wanna a carrier' and then it was ' are you interested in some batteries' and last week i bought two big bars of chocolate and she ' You expecting company' but in a nasty tone as if she was a bit narked.

Do you think i am reading to much into this and getting the wrong signals. I would like to ask her out but im a bit rusty at the old dating lark and don't want to make a twat of myself. sometimes i see her sitting opposite greggs on her break having a couple of pasties and a doughnut, do you think this would be a good time to approach her,

Your words of wisdom would be taken on board, thank Verb

Chip, the lurvmeister may consider you worthy of his words of wisdom. Think Dr Ruth but with a huge willie.

chip,

my girlfriend is six month pregnant. Usually she likes it doggy style with a couple of kidney punches thrown in for good measure.

Obviously i cant do that while she is pregnant, so is there anything else i can do along a similar line to pleasure her whilst protecting the baby?

Dear Chip,

I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to life in prison.

My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.

Recently, I met a girl who was released from a lunatic asylum where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.

I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

My problem is this:

Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?

Sincerely, Larry

Dear Chip,

I thought I was in love with Mrs Grave but she is not a patch on you.

MARRY ME PLEEEEEAASSSEE.

If you say no then could I ask that you try and teach Mrs Grave to be a bit more like you. I will pay everything I have including my special edition rose tinted specs which I have kept hidden under lock and key for many years! (Hell, they are so well hidden that I cannot even find them!). Oh, and you can have my house too.

Yours forever

Grave

Mr Kint.

In Mr Fireball's absence I would like to point out that if this girl is eating a couple of pasties and a doughnut then even if she isn't a fat knacker already then the chances are that she will be soon. In this case you should limit your ambitions with her to a quick ride or two as although she doesn't sound like marriage material she might be a bit of a goer in the sack with all of that energy she is taking on board.

Hope that helps.

Dear Chip,

I have a very small penis but I am keen to be as good a lover as you. Can you give me some tips on how to improve my performance?

OO.

Dear Chip,
I have a ten inch rod with which I am servicing a number of women.
I have a set of washers which I place on my rod prior to servicing each of them.
If I think they deserve the lot because they have cooked me a fabulous meal, supplied a bottle of classy wine or behaved in a manner fitting my requirements, then they get the full ten inches.
Otherwise they could get anything from five to ten inches depending where I place the washers.
One or two have accused me of being a meanie..............do you think I am a meanie.
Thanks.

I do use the tradesman's entrance when asked to do so, but some of them only live in a little apartment.
Which lubricant do you recommend and can it be bought in bulk. I need to use a lot you see.

will you bring up baby joel for me and teach him the ways of the stud? Please? I would die a happy man!

Dear Chip.

My car is off the road is a tandum the answer to my problem.

dear chip
my car is round the club which is a 5min walk do i
a go get myself
b wait till mrs home from work and send her

Here he is.

Is that Millpool Close?

One night last week I was having a threesum with 2 beautiful raving nymphomaniacs until the phone rang & woke me up.

Chip,do you think I should quit 3 & go with O2 ?

Dear Chip,

I'm fat, over 50, bald and live in a very exotic location. The beaches are full of beautiful bikini-clad ladies of various race and colour. They smile, skip, play beach volleyball. The sunlight shines off their sun-tanned lotioned curves. Their bodies are in perfect condition. an absolute joy to behold. Where can I get my photographs developed without fear of prosecution?

Dear Chip

My girlfriend and I have been saving for months for our own place but a few weeks ago she asked me if I would give her a pearl necklace.

We saving every penny for our own house, and I feel this is an expense we can do without at this moment in time.

It's got to the point that every time we finish having sex she brings the issue up, by saying things like " I 'm still waiting for a pearl necklace". Or "I would have looked good with a pearl necklace there"

So do you think she may stop having sex with me until she gets what she wants.

I feel guilty that as yet I've not bought her one. What should I do?

Dear Chip as you know I AM the clubs OFFICIAL SEX GOD as this title was bestowed upon me as the first and original cat walker on football AM.

Over the weekend at least two people came up to me and said that I should be worried for my OFFICIAL SEX GOD title as you had been putting it about a bit and was slowly becoming a SEX GOD in your own right.

Now I have no problem with you TRYING to take my OFFICIAL TITLE,but please please stop this pretence as we all know you have no chance of taking this title from my grasp. Indeed many have tried and failed so this has to be nipped in the bud now before it gets nasty.

I have had to make an appointment at the docs for the stress of getting knocked out of the FA CUP early and can well do without having to look over my shoulder all the time as this is causing neck ache on a large scale and I am loath to take any more tablets.

So please do us all a favour mate and leave out all this young pretender thingy as you have no chance of competing with the BIG BOYS.

Yours faithfully POOLYMAD AKA THE SEX GOD.

It's just a shame we had to sign the copyright barring us from all those royalty's.

I secrety love Chip too!

Chip .. Ron Jeremy and Ben Dover are getting on a bit ..Do you think there's a opening for you ?

There's a few here who would like to put a boot up your opening.

So, thats where you were going saturday evening to watch the boxing

Chip, as you know I passed you today whilst I was driving my car along Burn Road. You were walking a dog at the time (though it looked more like a cat) and it got me thinking.

Does walking about with such a pathetically sized dog attract females of the opposite sex?

Thanks.

I'll see if I can rescue one of those.

the seagull thing did'nt muttley try that last year,he was going on about it for a few days then all of a sudden it stopped mind he did say they did have a lovely roast dinner on the sunday funny how their lass and the bairn lost their appetite though

Just a quick one to say, I DON'T love Chip.

I think he's a big headed, self opinionated, arrogant, lying, failure.

But that's just me.

And who am I to judge...

He might be able to throw a bit of chipolata about but he he knows fook all about direct debits.....