I'll start
A team of sociologists have planned an experiment. They send an
Englishman, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island and
arrange to come back and pick them up in a year's time and see how
they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to
split up the tasks amongst themselves. I'm an engineer" says the
Englishman, "So I'll handle building a shelter". He turns to the
Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks why don't you
handle the cooking?"The Frenchman agrees, and the Englishman turns to
the Japanese" That leaves you to organise the supplies" he says. The
Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks. A year passes,
and the sociologists return to see how the men have coped. They expect
to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the
island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches
and balconies. The Englishman comes to greet them, and when they
express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah
well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did
the place up" The team are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen
where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food.
The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work
with" he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants." The
team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires
about the Japanese man. "Oh we don't know what happened to him"
explains the Englishman, he ran off into the woods to sort out the
supplies and hasn't been seen since". They all agree that they should
try to find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it
about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from
behind a tree, stark naked with half a coconut on His head, and
peacock feathers sticking out of his bum, and shouts.........
SUPPLIES!!!!!!!!!!!!

heard it

Not me!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his new
wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took a
couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all
the dishes were washed and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and bragged that he had given his
new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told
them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was
better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a
huge meal on the table.

The third man said that he had married a Hartlepool girl. He boasted that
the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes
washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He
said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he
could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.

bit long but funny

not long enough but not funny

An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers just after his plane has taken off, and he forgets to turn off the intercom.

He says to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a shit and then try to fuck that new blonde stewardess."

The stewardess hears it, and as she goes running up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on, she trips on the rug and falls on her arse. A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a shit first."

Check your junk mail, there's loads that promise to add a few inches.

During an interview it was said to Paul Mcartney "you've been married twice, so do you think you will go down on one knee again?"

Sir Paul replied "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather"

I heard it different; the pilot says "I could do with a beer and a blow job' as the stewardess runs down the aisle someone shouts out 'don't forget the beer'

My joke is: Jan Butdz.

Do I win?

Stevie Wonder was playing live on stage in Japan, he decided some audience participation would be great so asked for requests, a little Japanese man at the front jumped out of his seat and shouted, play a jazz cord, so Stevie been the man he is sat at the piano and pressed a key came back to the front of the stage and asked again for requests, the little Japanese man jumped up again and shouted, please play a jazz cord, Stevie willing obliged again and pressed a piano key and once again asked for requests, again the little Japanese man jump up and shouted, play a jazz cord, please play a jazz cord, now Stevie was a bit annoyed now and shouted down to the Japanese guy, look I keep bloody playing one so enough okay, but the little Japanese man not to be put off shouted out again, no, play a jazz cord, Stevie shouts okay mate, you come up here and do it yourself, delighted the little Japanese man jumped on the stage, took the mike and started singing, I Jazz Cord to say I love you.

NO how about

Danny Wilson is a good manager

More Japanese fun

Best read with a Japanese accent:
Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling, "You sign, you sign!" The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door. The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, "You sign, you sign!" Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods. Mandela loses his temper and yells, "Look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong person."

Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks, "Ah soh. You not Nissan Maindealer?"