How to keep a modern woman happy.

Mr Irrelevant · **Joined:** Thu Aug 17, 2006 8:25 pm **Posts:** 22622

Americans are odd. Got this from my US Marine 'buddy'

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for wussies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "fuck you!" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a Little Chef. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some totty I picked up." Women love those special nicknames.

10. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really pissed off when you don't call.

11. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.

12. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny... why shouldn't girls?

13. Spit often. Girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy and love you even more.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell... a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about).

20. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but guys think it's funny.

Mr Irrelevant · **Joined:** Thu Aug 17, 2006 8:25 pm **Posts:** 22622

I deleted 14 & 15 as they were basically saying 'give your bitch a slap'

bluemonkey · **Joined:** Sat Apr 07, 2007 8:54 pm **Posts:** 1101

Did you alter that for the British market Mr I?, it's just that I have never known a Little Chef outside the UK, Yanks don't say Totty nor titty twisters.

3pint wonder · **Posted:** Thu Oct 11, 2007 8:28 pm

is,nt the nightclub in from dusk till dawn called the titty twister?

Mr Irrelevant · **Joined:** Thu Aug 17, 2006 8:25 pm **Posts:** 22622

bluemonkey wrote:

Did you alter that for the British market Mr I?, it's just that I have never known a Little Chef outside the UK, Yanks don't say Totty nor titty twisters.

Aye, 'Wendy's' doesn't mean a lot to most people in Hartlepool.

Walsallmom · **Posted:** Thu Oct 11, 2007 10:37 pm

must work both ways, I've done a few of them :uhoh:

Mr Irrelevant · **Joined:** Thu Aug 17, 2006 8:25 pm **Posts:** 22622

Walsallmom wrote:

must work both ways, I've done a few of them :uhoh:

Americans ?

Mute Witness · **Joined:** Fri Aug 18, 2006 10:10 am **Posts:** 3572

Mr I wrote:

I deleted 14 & 15 as they were basically saying 'give your bitch a slap'

Or giving your bitch's pet a kick.

GroovyCrimes · **Posted:** Fri Oct 12, 2007 9:05 am

From Urban Dictionary

Quote:

Titty Twister Tuesday

A fine game played in restaurants in a similar manner as slap ball Sunday, only in this case on a Tuesday. The object of the game is simple, dole out as many titty twisters as possible. Until a girl initiates a titty twister it is taboo to give one to a girl. Generally there is a "hands only" rule so objects like tongs and forks cannot be used. Managers can be included into the game as well either by their consent or their administration of a titty twister. Anyone who can pull off the "double twist" (two at the same time, but not necessarily the same person) is considered immortal.

After repeatedly trying to whip my ass with a towel all week, I couldn't wait to wreak havoc on Bill's nipples on Titty Twister Tuesday.

Fensy · **Joined:** Thu Aug 17, 2006 9:15 pm **Posts:** 6471

Mr I wrote:

I deleted 14 & 15 as they were basically saying 'give your bitch a slap'

What about 21 and 22 then

How to keep a modern woman happy.

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