Put two little apple trees shown the bottom of the garden four years ago and this year they've produced proper apples all the small ones disappeared but three massive ones remain.
Last night sat down the garden a robin appears..... hanging about the apple trees as shifty as fuck( I'm getting angry now) and started eyeing up my apples....walking around them as cocky as hell, a proper little hard case and totally unbothered by our presence.
I used to think they were cute little things that appeared at Xmas and were really nice....they're not, they're utter bastards, the intimidators of the bird world , vermin of the sky with their little red waistcoats.
There, that's better.

do you want me to bring my patterdale terrior round?

I've ordered a 40mm Bofors gun.
Trouble is...... is it the same killer robin.... or is there a family of the feathery muggers?

If theres a family, more sport for the dog.

I saw something on telly about an in depth study of robin behaviour that was done years ago.

Apparently they are very violent and highly promiscuous. If I was you I'd just give him an apple and hope he goes away. Otherwise he might bray/bum you into next week.

You mean he/she is a sex mad psycho.... that's all I need, a feathered fiend.
I'll have a chat with the resident blackbirds and get him done over, canny crew who have no interest in apples.
I'm going down the garden for an apple stock take before I go to work.

Blackbirds love apples sorry to tell you, but only red ones, if they are green you are ok.

Bastards, the lot of them
Colonel, let loose the dogs.