The lake district

The Colonel · **Joined:** Mon Aug 21, 2006 8:49 am **Posts:** 4891

A brief summary.

It's very picturesque. Very green and very very wet.

Oh is it fucking wet.

As if there isn't enough already in their big ponds, even more seems to fall from the sky even when it looks like the sun is shining.

And some of you fuckers go there and sleep in a tent.

Nutters.

Detailed trip advisor report to follow.

The Bishop · **Posted:** Mon Aug 07, 2017 6:09 am

Mr Colonel, you should've gone to Benidorm, they reckon it's very HOT there and no rain at the moment. Also a Full English Breakfast is cheaper in Benidorm (alledgedly).

Snowy · **Joined:** Fri Aug 18, 2006 12:18 pm **Posts:** 37634

You've discovered the Lake District is wet. Really ?

.
Here's me thinking it was an arid dust bowl, where cactus and tumbleweed bask in the blazing hot sun as scorpions and snakes scuttle about the sand blown streets of Ambelside and herds of majestic camels roam imperiously past Nana Susies Oasis Tea Rooms ( Cream Teas £3.50) as the scorching continues to beat remorselessly down on those foolish enough to enter Hell's kitchen.
I learn something every day with you. :laugh:

The Colonel · **Joined:** Mon Aug 21, 2006 8:49 am **Posts:** 4891

Snowy as you know it is part of my role here to educate. I take on these difficult and arduous journies to make life easier for the bunker hordes as they need to know the facts.

Now with respect to those in the know, I was led to believe that the lake district was wonderful and is a place to be enjoyed.

I was not awareally that the people telling me this had webbed bastard feet.

Anyway. I am glad I was of help to you.

The Colonel · **Joined:** Mon Aug 21, 2006 8:49 am **Posts:** 4891

The Bishop wrote:

Mr Colonel, you should've gone to Benidorm, they reckon it's very HOT there and no rain at the moment. Also a Full English Breakfast is cheaper in Benidorm (alledgedly).

Too bloody hot. And anyway they don't do luxury lodges like what we had. And all of those English types are their mobility scooter's. .......give me the lakes, minus the obscene amount of kids any day.

tREE_wiTH_hAMStER · **Joined:** Sat May 19, 2007 11:00 am **Posts:** 20758

Any nice biscuits in your room Dibble?

The Colonel · **Joined:** Mon Aug 21, 2006 8:49 am **Posts:** 4891

Right. Welcome to the Colonels travel guide and review of the lake district. Spolier alert, this might upset a few of the lovers of Pooley Brdige.

In chronological order:

Kirkby Stephen. Just a very annoying village on the way to our destination that appears to serve no purpose other than to cause traffic jams. Stopped for 5 minutes. Had a slash. Nowt to see here. 1/10

Kendal. We couldnt get into our Lodge until 4pm, so stopped off here on way down. Quite a dull place but at least you could walk for more than 5 minutes without covering the whole length of the place. 3/10

Still had a two hours to kill, so popped along to Windermere on way down. Susses out a few pubs, and had a shandy in one at Bowness. Bowness, I like, despite the number of little people. 7/10. Windermere. well its a lake, but more like a sea. 8/10

Arrived at our lodge just outside of Cartmel bang on 4pm. Top notch 10/10. With a hot tub as well. Some top bombing ensued. Not even sure we were still in the lake district.

Walked the mile into Cartmel. Brilliant village with a few pubs. 10/10. Britains top restaurant is here. Only £145 a head without drinks. No riff raff in there.

Went to Coniston for a few hours. Nce pubs again, but the place is a bit dull. 6/10

Stopped off at Patterdale.(We had a particular reason for doing so). 0/10. The vilage that time forgot. Utterley pointless place.

Lastly a few hours in Pooley bridge. Ullswater is a bit dull innit? 4/10.

As for Pooley Bridge, way too many kids looking bored shitless, and some very pretentious people. A bit too much for me this place. Pubs pricey, food very poncey, and way too many posh folk. In their designer walking gear. 3/10. Took out a bank loan to park the car.

Overall its not a bad place at all. Did loads of walking, up and down fells, looking completely out of step with the professional walkers, of which there seems to be millions, all dressed in proper hiking clothes, maps and boots. me in shorts and trainers. Had a piss on the top of one very high fell that looked over Windermere. Nice.

Windermere is the best location. The others are just a bit dull.

The Colonel · **Joined:** Mon Aug 21, 2006 8:49 am **Posts:** 4891

tREE_wiTH_hAMStER wrote:

Any nice biscuits in your room Dibble?

Didnt have a room mate. Lodge. No biscuits but they did leave us a Cartmel sticky toffee pudding in the fridge.

The Bishop · **Posted:** Mon Aug 07, 2017 8:14 am

The Colonel wrote:

tREE_wiTH_hAMStER wrote:

Any nice biscuits in your room Dibble?

Didnt have a room mate. Lodge. No biscuits but they did leave us a Cartmel sticky toffee pudding in the fridge.

I'd worry about that Mr Colonel. What if it was the last guests who left the pudding and made it sticky? If so what had they done in the Hot Tub?

The Bishop · **Posted:** Mon Aug 07, 2017 8:16 am

For the Record there used to be a great Chippy in Kirkby Stephen. Allegedly opened longer than Verrils!

horden · **Posted:** Mon Aug 07, 2017 8:42 am

The Colonel wrote:

Right. Welcome to the Colonels travel guide and review of the lake district. Spolier alert, this might upset a few of the lovers of Pooley Brdige.

In chronological order:

Kirkby Stephen. Just a very annoying village on the way to our destination that appears to serve no purpose other than to cause traffic jams. Stopped for 5 minutes. Had a slash. Nowt to see here. 1/10

Kendal. We couldnt get into our Lodge until 4pm, so stopped off here on way down. Quite a dull place but at least you could walk for more than 5 minutes without covering the whole length of the place. 3/10

Still had a two hours to kill, so popped along to Windermere on way down. Susses out a few pubs, and had a shandy in one at Bowness. Bowness, I like, despite the number of little people. 7/10. Windermere. well its a lake, but more like a sea. 8/10

Arrived at our lodge just outside of Cartmel bang on 4pm. Top notch 10/10. With a hot tub as well. Some top bombing ensued. Not even sure we were still in the lake district.

Walked the mile into Cartmel. Brilliant village with a few pubs. 10/10. Britains top restaurant is here. Only £145 a head without drinks. No riff raff in there.

Went to Coniston for a few hours. Nce pubs again, but the place is a bit dull. 6/10

Stopped off at Patterdale.(We had a particular reason for doing so). 0/10. The vilage that time forgot. Utterley pointless place.

Lastly a few hours in Pooley bridge. Ullswater is a bit dull innit? 4/10.

As for Pooley Bridge, way too many kids looking bored shitless, and some very pretentious people. A bit too much for me this place. Pubs pricey, food very poncey, and way too many posh folk. In their designer walking gear. 3/10. Took out a bank loan to park the car.

Overall its not a bad place at all. Did loads of walking, up and down fells, looking completely out of step with the professional walkers, of which there seems to be millions, all dressed in proper hiking clothes, maps and boots. me in shorts and trainers. Had a piss on the top of one very high fell that looked over Windermere. Nice.

Windermere is the best location. The others are just a bit dull.

Your opinion of Kirby Stephen is spot on. It has a purpose though, and you hit the nail on the head, with your " had a slash , stopped for 5 minutes and moved on " thousands of North Easterners have done this over the years, that is the reason for its existence, oh and also it was once a train station on the North East to Blackpool train route . I think even you would of enjoyed that route Mr Colonel. :laugh:

The Colonel · **Joined:** Mon Aug 21, 2006 8:49 am **Posts:** 4891

Sorry Bishop but your previous post was just wrong. On so many levels. Can I suggest therapy?

As for the chip shop. It may well still be there. To be honest fish and chips is the last thing I would look for.

I was more curious as to why such a fucking pointless place caused such a huge traffic jam. Oh for a bypass.

Its like they are trying to force you to stop, as no one would choose to do so.

The Colonel · **Joined:** Mon Aug 21, 2006 8:49 am **Posts:** 4891

Ah Mr Horden, I should have read your post before typing mine.

I cant see why they cant just dig up a bit of the countryside round there to put a by pass in. Its not like they havent got plenty of it.

And why d they have so many stone walls around all of them fields, only to leave gaps that allow the ignorant sheep to wander into the roads, as I am speeding past?

horden · **Posted:** Mon Aug 07, 2017 9:01 am

Kirby Stephen must be desperate for any passing trade, now Geordies don't go through there on coach trips in same numbers as in the past. When you used to go to Blackpool on a bus or in the back of a van, stopping there back in the day was a lifesaver, so I wont knock it. I thought the A66 did bypass Kirby Stephen.

Those farmers have their work cut out , repairing all those walls, that probably get broken by ignorant urbanites taking short cuts. Farmers have more important things to do these days, like sourcing the latest subsidy , that helps them avoid having to farm , keeping livestock and the growing of crops is so last century.

ElvisC · **Joined:** Mon Aug 15, 2011 9:55 am **Posts:** 4504

The Colonel wrote:

Right. Welcome to the Colonels travel guide and review of the lake district. Spolier alert, this might upset a few of the lovers of Pooley Brdige.

In chronological order:

Kirkby Stephen. Just a very annoying village on the way to our destination that appears to serve no purpose other than to cause traffic jams. Stopped for 5 minutes. Had a slash. Nowt to see here. 1/10

Lovely little Market Town

Kendal. We couldnt get into our Lodge until 4pm, so stopped off here on way down. Quite a dull place but at least you could walk for more than 5 minutes without covering the whole length of the place. 3/10

Bigger Market Town

Still had a two hours to kill, so popped along to Windermere on way down. Susses out a few pubs, and had a shandy in one at Bowness. Bowness, I like, despite the number of little people. 7/10. Windermere. well its a lake, but more like a sea. 8/10

Bowness..the Blackpool of The Lakes.

Arrived at our lodge just outside of Cartmel bang on 4pm. Top notch 10/10. With a hot tub as well. Some top bombing ensued. Not even sure we were still in the lake district.

Not in the Lake District, but a nice little place. Glad the Lodge was nice.

Walked the mile into Cartmel. Brilliant village with a few pubs. 10/10. Britains top restaurant is here. Only £145 a head without drinks. No riff raff in there.

I don't even eat heads.

Went to Coniston for a few hours. Nce pubs again, but the place is a bit dull. 6/10

Beautiful place.

Stopped off at Patterdale.(We had a particular reason for doing so). 0/10. The vilage that time forgot. Utterley pointless place.

See above, beautiful place. Some great walks kick off in Patterdale. White Lion is Top Notch.

Lastly a few hours in Pooley bridge. Ullswater is a bit dull innit? 4/10.

End of this conversation. Ullswater, dull??? I give in...

As for Pooley Bridge, way too many kids looking bored shitless, and some very pretentious people. A bit too much for me this place. Pubs pricey, food very poncey, and way too many posh folk. In their designer walking gear. 3/10. Took out a bank loan to park the car.

There are literally dozens of free car park spaces in and JUST outside the best village, with the best three pubs and the most stunning Lake, in the area.

Overall its not a bad place at all. Did loads of walking, up and down fells, looking completely out of step with the professional walkers, of which there seems to be millions, all dressed in proper hiking clothes, maps and boots. me in shorts and trainers. Had a piss on the top of one very high fell that looked over Windermere. Nice.

"Nice" indeed.

Windermere is the best location. The others are just a bit dull.

Ah well...

The Colonel · **Joined:** Mon Aug 21, 2006 8:49 am **Posts:** 4891

Thanks for the response elvis :laugh:

I must counter though:

Bowness. Is a bit Blackpoolish. But its easy to avoid the riff raff. And there is plenty going on.

Pooley Bridge. The place looks wonderful. Almost man made. But its just very poncey. In a non gay way.

I am sure the pubs are great. Its just not the kind of place you have a piss up a wall in.

Patterdale. Never seen so many signs threatening you with wheel clamping if you parked there. Might as well have signs up saying no visitors welcome.

We ended up having to park in the only place allowed. And it was £4.50 regardless of the fact we only wanted to stay an hour. Opposite the hotel.

At the top of the fell at Windermere. There were no bogs. What elese could I do?

Coniston was very boring. It just was. The village seems miles from the lake, and when we got to the lake there was nowt happeing. Pubs were decent though.

Couldnt argue about walking routes. We are novices in the walking game.

Anyway, Cartmel was only 5 miles from the bottom of windermere, so it cant have been that far outside the lake district. Although when we were walking to Cartmel, you could see the sea. :laugh:

Snowy · **Joined:** Fri Aug 18, 2006 12:18 pm **Posts:** 37634

The Colonel wrote:

Right. Welcome to the Colonels travel guide and review of the lake district. Spolier alert, this might upset a few of the lovers of Pooley Brdige.

In chronological order:

Kirkby Stephen. Just a very annoying village on the way to our destination that appears to serve no purpose other than to cause traffic jams. Stopped for 5 minutes. Had a slash. Nowt to see here. 1/10
Great breakfast in the cafe next yo the bakers

Kendal. We couldnt get into our Lodge until 4pm, so stopped off here on way down. Quite a dull place but at least you could walk for more than 5 minutes without covering the whole length of the place. 3/10
Booooooooooooring. Avoid
Still had a two hours to kill, so popped along to Windermere on way down. Susses out a few pubs, and had a shandy in one at Bowness. Bowness, I like, despite the number of little people. 7/10. Windermere. well its a lake, but more like a sea. 8/10
Awful, drive through do not stop

Arrived at our lodge just outside of Cartmel bang on 4pm. Top notch 10/10. With a hot tub as well. Some top bombing ensued. Not even sure we were still in the lake district.
Ah, Legendary Cartmel. Tried to find it for years, never succeeded

Walked the mile into Cartmel. Brilliant village with a few pubs. 10/10. Britains top restaurant is here. Only £145 a head without drinks. No riff raff in there.

Went to Coniston for a few hours. Nce pubs again, but the place is a bit dull. 6/10
You're going in a lot of pubs....ah, you're on a coach tour
Stopped off at Patterdale.(We had a particular reason for doing so). 0/10. The vilage that time forgot. Utterley pointless place.
Village of the damned
Lastly a few hours in Pooley bridge. Ullswater is a bit dull innit? 4/10.

As for Pooley Bridge, way too many kids looking bored shitless, and some very pretentious people. A bit too much for me this place. Pubs pricey, food very poncey, and way too many posh folk. In their designer walking gear. 3/10. Took out a bank loan to park the car.
Spent £8 to park there then found the steamer wasn't sailing. Still got the ticket
Overall its not a bad place at all. Did loads of walking, up and down fells, looking completely out of step with the professional walkers, of which there seems to be millions, all dressed in proper hiking clothes, maps and boots. me in shorts and trainers. Had a piss on the top of one very high fell that looked over Windermere. Nice.

Windermere is the best location. The others are just a bit dull.

Drive through, never stop.

Pooliedor · **Posted:** Mon Aug 07, 2017 3:09 pm

I wonder if the Colonel still has shit musical taste now that he's back from the Lake District.

The lake district

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