Who would be your worst neighbours....?
I have a dread of sitting in the garden on a sunny day to be woken up by celebrity cockney gobshite builder Tommy Walsh shouting over the fence my wall needs repointing...... while at the other side, professional Yorkshire garenerTitchmarsh is giving me earache over me neglecting my Pampas grass by pouring petrol over it to get rid of the Argentinian fookin weed.

Would you object to Charlie Dimmock too?

The family next door to me don't work yet have 2 cars 2 dogs a huge tele a big welcome to the board trampoline in the garden and all kinds of bikes n shit for the kids. They lead a better life than me and the mrs just work about 65 hours less.

They are on income support, what's income support?

I want my income supported


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Both my neighbours are old, the one to the left is deaf which is handy with our kids, the other side are a Christian middle aged couple.

My nightmare neighbour would be someone nosey.

It's our neighbours i feel sorry for ..

Just pray you don't get neighbours who look through your window while your wanking and then report you to the police

Talking from experience mr tree ?

No, it Was in the Mail a while ago.

I've had terrible neighbours in the past. I wouldn't wish it on anyone; far too stressful.
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Imagine Dribble on one side and PJ on the other

Imagine you knew me from Adam you tedious, sausage peddling bore.

You clearly don't get or understand the humour of this message board at all.

Clarkson on one side and Jamie Oliver on the other. Plus being backed onto by Steve 'shite in the afternoon' Wright, who has Chris Evans round for barbecues regularly.

The bast ads next to us now, chuffing ethnic minority who don't understand the concept of opening and closing doors, if you are shutting it you don't have to slam the fooker, and to open it use the handle you don't need to kick the fooker


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I was going to say someone like Josef Fritzl or Fred West but thinking about they'd probably have been alright, they'd have probably have just have kept themselves quiet apart from Fred being out digging quite a lot. I'd swap them for one of ours who traded the really vicious sounding and behaving Husky they had recently for a younger more vicious version with an even more horrible sounding bark.

Back in yer box boy, is your mother in her rocking chair?, and how is the motel doing these days

Humour and you are a bit like Stalin and sensitivity appearing in the same sentence

I don't know about PJ, but it would be quite handy living next door to Dibble. He would be easier to reach with missiles on those numerous occasions when obstreperousness overcomes him

But, second only to very noisy neighbours, the worst for me are the ones who are always trimming hedges and lawns to within an inch of their lives, painting and repainting their window ledges etc, while at the same time casting disapproving looks at your weeds and dilapidation.

Um...I've just realised I've said more or less what Snowy said on the first place
I've just has a migraine and me eyes are back to front.

I know someon who's neighbours had a very noisy dog. I mean barking constantly at all hours. Allegedly a lump of steak laced with mercury and rat poison sorted it out.

Our neighbours once had a noisy dog. Barking in the front garden all day long. One day I got hold of their dog and put it in our front garden. I said to the wife "We'll see how they like it now".

But every time you made Sunday dinner and dibble caught a waft of it he would be braying at your front door calling you a 'lovely lovely person'! !

Exactly my point, Grave. As he would be braying at my front door, I could give effortlessly reach out and give him a clip.

I'll trump the lot of yer. I had to endure living next door to a bitch who belonged to a major drug dealer from the north east, not very nice at all. 18 months of hell, used needles out the front, the lot. Threats of violence regularly from the variety of visitors... a CID officer lived a further 2 doors away... anyway she eventually got evicted .. front page news on the local rag the lot.

Some of the visitors to get the stuff were fairly respectable looking couples as well... anyhow fuck knows where she lives now but the dealer used her to peddle stuff from her house and I imagine it's the same hell for whoever lives next to her right now. They NEVER get jail, and if in the unlikely event that they do, they are back out and in another house again within months

as for jail - the women who have the houses I mean - I felt sorry for her kid who basically has had his life ruined by not being taken away from her. Without him she couldn't keep the house, and without the house the dealing could not happen... there must be loads of cases like this and she has done it for years, but she has never been put away!!

and although she had to have the boy taken away from her in the end when they found the drugs on the premises, it wasn't the first time - The social workers kept putting forward a defence for her to keep the child!!!! This is failure to look after the best interests of that boy in my opinion, and even though I'm no expert - I am right in saying that.

I think the worst Neighbours was the one when Daphne died. So very very sad. Des Clark in bits. "I love you Clarkie". RIP

My neighbours were banging on my door at 4 O'clock this morning. Good job I was still up as I decided to get some practice on a new drum kit I'd bought.

Fucking DIY-ers, hammering and drilling away at all hours.

that's cos they are shit at it, and end up doing all sorts of other stuff to put right the thing they did wrong in the first place, and end up demolishing the house

not that I'm one or owt, like.................

I oncetried to hang a utensil rackup in the kitchen and drilled straight through an electrical cable.

I always paid a proper tradesman to do everything after that.

cable detectors are essential for stuff like that, especially in kitchens... cos the way some people have run cables in to save on materials isn't always what you would expect to put it mildly!!!

It certainly wasn't what I expected when I was sat on me arse with smoke coming out of me lugs.

just as well I wasn't there cos I might have set about you with a knife and fork and some condiments

I never thought you bothered with cutlery?

a

The Peter Owen's family now that would be living hell

Qaud bikes flying all over, a 96"inch tv with surround sound blasting all day and take aways been delivered every day at all hours

Side one would be the people next door to me in Billog who called all their mates round for a party at 11 every night (those who recognise themselves step forward!).
Side 2 would be the French Lacoste-wearing intellectually challenged couple with the yappy pomeranian (who they never heard barking because they were never in) (except when their relatives came round and left their engines running in front of our window).

I had sides 1 and 2 combined. They would be out all hours leaving a yappy dog, only to return at a ridiculous time with all their mates to start a loud party! Boy did I celebrate when they were evicted; didn't pay their rent or bills.

I was once arrested because of a neighbour. I use the term neighbour very loosely.

The bloke next to you in the kebab shop definitely isn't a neighbour.

What did you do, nick his salad?

I wouldnt have been arrested for that. Its the law.

But what actually happened was much more serious, but very very funny now looking back.

And I have reason , and good reason, to believe the neighbour involved was either a convicted paedo, in a safe house, or a member of the Freemasons. It had to one or the other.

Lets just say, I was visited bt plod on 6 occasions over a 12month period, accused of assault 4 times, 3 of which the police turned up less than 3 minutes after the alleged assaults.

Three of mu other neighbours also had vissits from the plod, regularly, over the same period, accused of assulting the same bloke. One time the plod turned up and accused one lad, who was actually at my house at the time, and went nowhere near the bloke. Plod still turned up.

The last time it happened to me, two police cars, one van, and an ambulance turned up, within 10 minutes, all with blue lights flashing.

It was at this point that the paramedic complained to the police about the bloke wasting their time, that they actually arrested the neighbour, almost because they had to. They couldnt continue to treat him like he as royalty, and allowing him to continue lying.

He was given a caution after the 5th time and was told to keep away from my kids. He didnt.

And so I took action. This was when the four cars/vans turned up.

I denied all accusations.

He has moved now, and is hopefully dead.

It amazes me how the Polis can take hours to respond to a live burglary but can turn up so soon to an obvious crank. Or be there when someone urinating down the drain out of the way in a back alley on a Saturday night when the public bogs are shut. Easy targets and all that.

Aye. I am not joking either in the above post. I could happlily post the not nice people name as well.

The things that happened to us all would make a good film.

Its way back now but still makes my blood boil.

The things that happened would be hard to believe:

I once came home, with permission from my boss, to go and see the nursey my 3 year old was going to go to.

About a month later, I got called to see the MD of our company. Someone had sent a letter to the chairman of the company, Sir Alan Cockshaw, a lord no less, telling him that one of his employees had been seen at home during work hours.......and I quote "as a share holder I find this behaviour unacceptable"

My boss got dragged in as well. I took a written warning, as my boss didnt give me permission in writing, and I didnt want to drop him in it.

This neighbour later admitted it was him.......and funnily enough shortly after I got his post accidentally delivered to my house, and a letter was addressed to him from the company i worked for, to do with share issues.

Another neighbour had the police round, saying his 6 year old son was throwing stones at his window, and swearing at him.

Another neighbour who worked for the council at the time, got reported for coming home for lunch in a council van.

The neighbour on the otherside, got hauled up in front of Hartlepool Rovers committee accused of beating this bloke up wearing their tracksuit at the time.

And so it went on.

Until I ended it, and nearly got locked up.

I wont say what I did, but its the first and only time, violence has entered my life.

I got the 'lovely lovely person'.

he is the only person I genuinely hate, and really do wish great pain on.

Hope he still alive, and suffering.

I should have added:

6 of went to the police stataion to make a complaint. We all had to give a statement.

Rather than it doing any good, we were all warned that we would be arrested if he reported us again.

This left us in doubt about his position with the police.

It was like he had a bat phone to Commissioner Gordon.

We also found out from one female police officer, off the record, that he had a note book that was full of desriptions of all the kids that lived round our way, and what they were wearing every day. And what they were doing every day.

He was called Tommy Hood. Remember that name.

what area of the town did you live ?

Sounds like an utter and complete 'lovely lovely person' to me Mr Dibble and I wonder why the plod were so keen to protect him?

What year was this??

It will have been around 99-2000. My youngun was about 2 and oldest about 6.

It was a bizarre period of time.

We know the bloke had a big family but no one ever visited him. NEVER.

He was creepy beyond creepy.

At least two of the others involved are big pools fans and some of you will know them.

Not sure they post on here mind.

the way I always look at it now is... it's in the past, life's too short to waste time on fuckwits

If anyone poked there nose into what I was doing during the working day if I was at home they'd get a slap!

at the time things reached boiling point, there was one incident that I FIND VERY FUNNY NOW, BUT I could have got into real bother.

My oldest lad was 6 and his mate was 8. They were playing football in my back garden.

As is always the case the ball deflected off one of them and flew over the fence and did have to go into his garden.

They came in and told me.

Here goes I thought.

I told them to knock on his door and apologise and politely ask for the ball back.

They did. But I stood next to the door sort of hiding.

When they asked him, his exact words were:

No you fucking cant, I am getting my tea.

At this I jumped in front of him, and he shit himself.

I pushed him in the house and onto his stairs where he fell backwards and sat on the bottom step in shock.

I walked into his kitchen, said hello to his wife, then walked into his garden to retrieve the ball.

Then walked back through the house, ssaid good evening to the 'lovely lovely person', and gently shut the door.

Ten minutes later two coppers turned up at my door.

I told them exactly what happened.

They just laughed

Quiet restrained, if anyone give it Charlie big bollox about the smell of a lovely Sunday dinner, I'd shit through their letterbox and see how they liked that

I've had plenty of shite neighbours in the past, but the current ones are magic. Really nice old lady one side, who babysits the bairns now and then, and on the other side a couple of academics who don't say boo to a goose.