The other night me and our lass were making sweet, sweet love. After the earth had stopped moving, I went to get a box of tissues off the windowledge, as you do.

When our lass saw that I had grabbed a box of tissues, she breathed a sigh of relief, and said "thank god for that, I thought you were going to wipe your nob on the curtains"

The old ones are the best.
Merry Christmas, Johnny boy.

a bloke goes to the doctor about what looks like a penis growing from his head. The doctor said it should fall off, but keep an eye on it. When the bloke goes back to the doctor months after first going and he has a huge bell end growing from his forehead... the doctor said "I thought I told you to keep an eye on how that cock was growing from your forehead"!!! To which the patient said, "I tried to but I couldn't see for the balls"

I know that bloke......................his name is Richard.

A bloke came home pissed and there lass said right av had enough, look at the state of you if thus happens again am leaving you. A week later he was back on it and spewed allover himself " fuck how am I gona get out if this one" his mate stuck a £20 in his top pocket n said tell your lass some bloke did it n gave you thus to pay for it. So he goes home and there lass says right that's it am leaving you. " no you don't understand this bloke did it and put £20 it in my top pocket to pay for the dry cleaning. She looks at him and says well why is there £40 in there?? " oh that's from the other bloke who shit in my pants"

This isn't a joke, it really happened. She didn't realise the tissues were on the windowledge as one of the bairns had put them there earlier in the day.

If I was a bit quicker I would have come back with a retort about her 'curtains', but the opportunity was missed.

our lass is a redhead...no hair just a red head

nah you should have said nowt and actually just wiped it on the curtains. Brutal comedy at its crudest!!

I hate our curtains and I might just do that

If you ever need a word to describe this practice, it is known as 'zuffling', as per the Viz Profanisaurus.

Our lass was drunk last night, we got in the pit and she groaned, Give me 9 inches and make me bleed", so I fucked her three times and smacked her in the mouth

I was sat watching the telly the other day when our lass crept up behind me and gave me a right wallop on the head. What was that for? I said. She said she'd found a piece of paper in my trouser pocket with the name Miranda on it. That's the name of a horse that a workmate had tipped I said and I was going to put a few quid on it.
Next day she whacks me even harder across the back of the head. What was that for? I said.
"your horse rang".

How could a horse use a phone

Easy, just plug into the mane line. Usually just to nag their pals. Any foal knows that.

Depends withers she really wants to give him the hoof.