As the man at the wheel of the good ship HUFC I like to learn from the great leaders of the past and they don't come much greater than Spender's favourite Mao- the great helmsman himself.

When he was surrounded by moaners who wanted stuff like food he came up with a great technique to shut the whinging fookers up. Instead of sending the People's Army round to shoot the people straight off he said he wanted to "Let a hundred flowers bloom". Rather than retiring from dictatorship and setting up as a florist this meant that Mao wanted to hear everybody's opinions on what a shit job he was doing. Sure enough the mouthy gets couldn't help themselves and soon enough they were gobbing off about Mao in public. At which point he rounded them all up and shot them. He was smug as fook about this and said he had, "enticed the snkaes out of their caves."

You might notice a few similarities between this period of Chinese history and the fans panel. With crisis after crisis battering the club- bottle top scandals, pie shortages, pints that aren't instant and the Simon Walton cuntgate affair- I've had to act to reassert my control. I've given in on the bottle tops so that the tickly belly faction can claim they've achieved something but the rest of them will be very sorry that they sent their names in- specially that Barbara Wiffin who turned out not to be a cross dresser after all! I've also got loads of other names of people who wanted to come and whine- including two gadgies called something like Achers-Belching who withdrew when I explained that they wouldn't get an attendance allowance for coming.

Soon I'm going to act against these reactionary moaners, I just need to decide exactly how. My first thought was to ban them but Russ suggested that making them come to every match was a much worse fate, particularly if we picked the right players. He might be right as well. I'll get my mam to pick Big Stevie, Slow Sam and Sexy Simon every week and then you'll really have something to moan about!

Anyway need to go now- those long-haired white cats don't stroke themselves and I've got loads of money to spend on a new private jet thanks to FFP.