Hell On At The Baths This Afternoon!!!!

MutleyRules · **Posted:** Sat Mar 03, 2012 6:01 am

Two young'uns came in....one about 30 with a peculiar accent (possibly Falklandnese)....the other about 26 with a Gentlemens Outfitters Mannequin style haircut....just knew they'd be trouble so they got given a Red Band each even though we hadn't even started putting the sessions in....(it's a strategy we have so we can buzz them straight out as soon as they start being tvvats)!!!! confised

3 classic questions followed....what time are the Boards on Mister....is the slide on yet????

4'oclock came the reply!!!!

And the killer 3rd question came....

What time's it now????

Best answer to this is to just point at the Huge and Massive Clock on the main wall!!!!

They both look at the Giant Faced Clock thing and the funny accented one snorts....Yeah, but what time is it????

10 to 11....(it was actually 20 past 2!!!!)

Another classic question....will we still be in then????

I doubt it came the reply!!!!

As usual....within 4 minutes they are bored....so start Wrestling each other....headlocks, dead arms, back slaps....the full works!!!!

I still can't understand that like....lads usually aged from 17 to mid 20's go to The Baths and basically strip to their Doggers and then enter water and get wet and slippery....then proceed to 'Fun Fight' each other which results in sores and whelts from the friction caused by their near naked bodies rubbing against each other!!!! confised

I mean howay....you wouldn't have any mates to 'Fun Fight' if you stripped to your Doggers anywhere else apart from The Baths....you'd be looked upon as 'a bit queer' in a perverted sort of way and only have a 9 year old Cross called Cindy to Wrestle with in your damp one room bedsit in Thornton Street!!!!

You more than likely also play 'Dressing-Up' with your Worm riddled Mongrel aswell....outfits are purchased early mornings from Black Bags left outside of various Charity Shops in York Road....the Lipstick for Cindy was always got from the Tester Shelves in Boots until you both got barred for nicking Farley's Rusks....so now you just force Cindy to drink the Juice from a jar of Beetroot!!!!

But now you don't do you....the RSPCA took Cindy....or to give him his real name....Saracen the Bull Mastiff....away from you after an eagle eyed neighbour was puzzled by the amount of saliva and sperms on HIS back, upper neck and the Dogs Anus region!!!!
Luckily for Saracen this lady didn't believe you when you said that both of you had been to a Foam Party in the Clansman and it was dead good but nackering and that is why both of you were panting like a pair of perverts perched in a pear tree overlooking a Home for the past it perverts but still like watching so she phoned the Authorities and they made sure you wouldn't see daylight again....you now have to wear a Pillow Case over your head at all times aswell as a pair of Jerry Dammers type Wrapround Sunglasses made famous in the late 70's by TV Favourite Tristrim from the popular Telly Sit-Com George & Mildred!!!!
Saracen, sadly, never made a full recovery, even though he fought bravely to the very end, and was never the same again after been fatally shot by a Police Marksman just moments before your arrest on the exact same day you were arrested....but just a few minutes before!!!!
Seargent Leo Taurus, who wishes to remain not named and definetly not fingered as the Crackshot Police Shooter who removed half of Saracen's face in a split second, says he had no choice and had to blow the sexually confused Doggie's lower jaw into the backend of its lower cranium as he felt it was a danger to the public!!!!
Capricorn, the Father of Leo, says his nephew only had a split second to decide to take the Cross Dressing Hound out!!!!
Police Hero and Dog Killer Leo told his Dad, Capricorn, that it was a split second decision and that he would do the same again without a seconds thought!!!!
Leo the Musker's Papa, Capicor, also know as Pa for short told us the same but we weren't convinced!!!!
We pressed Leo Taurus for an answer, who revels in his new name down the Nick....'Disptemper'....we wanted to know if he'd do the same again in a split second and without a seconds thought!!!!
He said he wasn't sure and he'd have to sleep on it!!!!
His twin Sister, also known as Aires Gemini Plaggy Honda, was never mentioned by anyone, not even once, in over 234 and a half hours of taped interviews....Plaggy's Solicitor issued a Statement to that affect on behalf of....her!!!!
After 17 minutes sleep Uncle Cap said his son was now ready to answer and here is his answer in full....

I was positioned on the roof of Tan-Ya-Hyde in nearby Radey Road with a clear view of the backstreet of Thornton Street which backs onto Thornton Street via the front!!!!
I noticed a shuffling panting figure dressed in what looked like a very poor Dog Fancy Dress Costume!!!!
But 2 things made me fear for the publics safety....

The thing described above that was panting was also wearing a Basque and matching Pipe and Socks that appeared to be cellotaped to the legs of the afore mentioned panting figure!!!!
It also appeared to have had its Eyelids Blu-Tac'd to a Cordless Kettle with a dodgy element!!!!
Leo then took 10 minutes to explain on how he weighed up the pros and cons about pushing this beast into the unknown and what made his mind up....

Saracen was took out by this Brave Bobby....who we won't name as he wants his and his Family's names not mentioned cos he can't be arsed with the hassle....for the simple fact that Saracen had a Coldsore!!!!
This poor dog was blew away for that....a Colesore....this poor Dog needed help....it was abused and bummed....and made to bum....and suck, lick, nuzzle etc....and was made to answer to the name Cindy....no wonder the poor beast was confused....Saracen's last few cherished words were....

'he was a right queer kunt....loved colouring-in and finding unusual places to store the Felt-Tips....my arse was the usual unusual place!!!!
He loved chewing on the ends of the Felt-Tips aswell....said it helped him concentrate on his colouring-in....he loved the colour brown and yellowy brown....he also loved me pissing....especially after he put a peg on my tail and I'd piss as I went round in circles trying to get this peg off my tail....I'd spray piss allover....but he liked that....I could tell....cos just seconds after chasing me round the room with more pegs and a huge funnel type funnel taped into and around his mouth and gargling with such joy....he'd come over with a sense of guilt....me been a dog could sense things like this....his guilt manifested in the quite common....and I must say often misunderstood....action of shitting himself into his piss stained duds!!!!
You might be saying to yourself at this point....'Eh?'....'I can totally understand that....he soils himself and feels guilt for what he has done only minutes before....ie.molesting a Dog....You Saracen....and he does that as he did as a baby....soiled his nappy....and babies feel shame and guilt when they piss and shit....this was proven in a Trial by top brainy woman Scientist Irene Handel....she proved that babies after defecating pull a face....not a funny face or a giggle or prrahhh....it's a Guilt face!!!! Sir Irene funnily enough once went out with Adolf Hitler's ginger haired younger brother Derek....they both had a passion for fillums and the last film they saw together funnily enough was Schindler's List....after 82 years of marriage that was the final straw....Irene couldn't take no more....all the way through he kept saying things like....
'This is a good bit'....'Chuckle'....'It's always the Trains they show....our kid laid on Luxury Coaches aswell you know'....'the same goes for German Shepherds and Dobermans....always in the Films to make our young'un look a bit of a kunt....but those two breeds are docile....our Herr Addy was a genius....in real life he used Badgers with TB and Otters with Feline Aids'....

Well as you can expect that got on Irene's nerves....but he went too far one day and proved that he was a bit of a 'bad'un' just like his quite shy but slightly twisted brother AH!!!!

This is the day Irene called it a day and this is what happened....

To celebrate Sir Irene's BAFTA for inventing Milk and....amazingly....in the same week....Copper Jars!!!! That year Sir Irene also won the Nobel Peace Prize for writing and starring in the Anti-Racist Documentary 'Once You Go Black You'll Never Go Back' that to this day continues to win award after award after award and was the major catalyst for Mandela's escape from nick....and that's from the Horses mouth!!!!
It's amazing to think that this Documentary that changed the World only cost £193 to make in 2003....which in todays money is £191.36....about!!!!

And change the World it did....British Bored Housewifes of Middle Age swapped the Costas for the Congos....and Chad....and Britain experienced 'The Brown Baby Boom' of 1997....like the post war Baby Boom but with darker colours but bonnier brown baby's and everyone wanted one!!!!

But this Baby Boom only lasted a few weeks....June 17th - June 21st 1997....but fair play I say like....the National Front were never seen again!!!!

And please don't think the above is bloody racist....it's not....EVERYONE CALLS THEM 'COPPER JARS'!!!! :evil:

So Irene had enough of Derek Hitler....the Ginger younger brother of Adolf....and this is where it went wrong for Irene....

Irene who at the time was at the ripe old age of 53 at the time of the above celebratory party which I've just remembered about....

(SURE THIS IS SUPPOSE TO BE SARACEN TALKING WITH HIS LAST STINKING PERVERTED CANINE BREATH ASWELL....BUT WHO CARES....NO-ONE....AND I MEAN NO-ONE HAS GOT THIS FAR....EVEN I HAVEN'T....SKYE TYPED THE LAST 3000 WORDS)

Irene got bored with the Party celebrating her invention of Milk, Copper Jars and Birds Nests and her Anti-Aparthied Documentary and all the hangers on....

Lewis Collins, Carol Thatcher, Viv Anderson, Long Ding Sterling Silver (Hartlepool version), Tony Hatch, Vivian from the Young Ones, Kenny Lynch, Kenny Dalglish, Bet Lynch, Kenny Everett, Emanuelle....

Anyway Sir Irene got sick of this and went for a slash....when in mid flow she spotted a Bottle of Indian Ink and a pin so decided to put a few Wagga Dots on her Knuckles....she soon got into it and decided on a Swift on her neck....half way through David Beckham's son....Uptheshitter....walked in and demanded a 'Tat' like his Dad's....Irene done well with that bottle of Indian ink....she 'inked' a full council estate on the little kunts back so anyone stood behind him could remind him of his roots and then he could remind his Nannies to remind the others who sometimes turn up!!!!

Anyway....as Handel finished the Swift on her neck she dropped the bottle of Indian Ink and it smashed in the Shithouse....(downstairs Toilet)....cut her neck and it mixed together and hey tesco....she invented DNA!!!!

First thing she done was finish the detail on her Swift on her neck....in Indian Ink but it was 'Old School'!!!! :coool:

The Party was in full flow as she rushed out to the Rose Beds underneath the Weeping Willow and clawed at the earth until she came upon Ginger Derek's 'Bruv'....remains....took his DNA....and found out to Derek's Horror that it wasn't Adolf Hitler in the Family Grave....and if it was he would have been a Gate Crasher....Hitler wasn't Derek's brother after all!!!! PHEW!!!!

Derek couldn't accept this and was ridiculed for hours at the Party with lines like....

'Herr Herr....sorry....Herr....I forgot what I was gonna say....Herr....nah it's gone'!!!!

'Can we have some decent music please....rock n roll....any Billy Fuhrer'????

'When's the baby JEW Derek'????

'Is it true that your kid loved Dogs....and wanked them off'????

At this point Herr Derek had had enough and had a plan....he needed ALL the guests to go in the Bathroom/Wetroom all at the same time....he also needed to shave all their heads without them noticing....he then went for the Indian Ink....none left....found a 'BROWN' Felt-Tip....and that's as far his Master Plan got....

'e had enough and had a plan'....

He woke up the next day and promised to now live his life one day at a time and this was the first day of his life....

He decided on a Shower to freshen up....whilst enjoying the water cascading off his lilly white ginger body he went for a Tab....Derek smoked in the Shower....he'd done it since he first realised he could....reached for the Clipper Lighter....wouldn't light....ran out of Gas....

'Irene bring the tin of gas up....schnell....'....habit he wrote 3 weeks after....

So here's Derek the Nazi....(subsequent DNA results have proven that Ginger Derek Hitler was right....Adolf was his brother....a little scamp as Derek called him....but this is where it went wrong....further DNA testing revealed that Adolf Hitler's real Father is....and this is 99.0000999999000999% accurate....

And due to further DNA testing it has been proved that Derek and their Al.H were only half brothers....

Derek Rudolph Hess Hitler's Father is now revealed....

So back to the shower Derek is having and asking for Gas to fill his Clipper Lighter....

ARE WE ALL EXPECTING THE FINAL SOLUTION????

This is what happened....

Sir Irene Handel's long time lover Metal Mickey was plugged in by Sir Irene for charging and was then lowered into the Bath/Shower where Derek was fecking about with Gas and Showers....Irene was expecting sparks flying etc....never worked....Derek meanwhile was thinking he was indestructible....Gas, showers, Robots, Electric, Dobermans....

But Lady Handel had other ideas....she battered him to death with a tin of Deodorant....Lynx Africa....

if it was good enough for Rommel etc!!!! :roll:

Anyway....to cut a long story short....that's what I see when 'lads' wrestle each at The Baths....all of the above is typical of what happens to 'Lads' who wrestle in water on a Friday night....when they should be out!!!!

Oh yeah....nearly forgot....the two 'chewy gets' from the top of the page who started all this have now been barred for 3 months....

Gary Liddle & Colin Larkin have had their Active cards Suspended....

the final straw was when they smuggled a Border Lakeland Terrier and a Polecat into the Main Pool and raced them....but not just that....they acted as Bookies aswell...I lost £3!!!!

DON'T COME BACK FOR THREE MONTH THE PAIR OF YEH!!!! :evil: