Today I left the house at about 2pm and I've just got in.

I went to barbecue at which there was free scran and beer being dished out until about 6, when people started flagging and leaving.

After that me and me mate hit the bars, and window shopped all the tasty bewers wearing next to nowt.

At about midnight the bars start calling last orders he wants to go to the casino.

I'm not a gambler but I get a tenner changed in sympathy for me mate who lost his in ten minutes on roulette.

After some time on the roulette table I get me tenner changed into £30 from those strange coloured discs you win when the ball bearing lands on your number.

So on to the kebab shop. I can only say the kebabs from Victoria Kebabs, Mansfield Road, Nottingham are the best you're ever likely to sample. I 've been eating their fayre for 11 years and I hope I still am in 11 years time.

I got meself a large Chicken Tikka. This consists of two skewers of fresh chunks of chicken breast meat, which has been marinated in spicy tikka sauce. This goes onto the flame grill whilst the gadgie picks one of the fresh naan dough balls, slaps into a circular shape (like Italians with pizzas) and hoys it onto the side of the tandoor.

So you're alternately watching your fresh naan bubble and cook in the traditional clay oven, whilst your chicken is grilled to perfection over the flames. After maybe five minutes you get 'what you like on chicken tikka kebab?' to which the best reply is 'all the salad and lemon juice.'

So you've got a fresh-a-daisy naan bread and so-hot-its-still-spitting tikka chicken meat, which gets a liberal coating of tangy lemon juice, followed with crisp fresh sliced iceberg lettuce, a couple of wedges of ripe red tomato, a handful of sliced juicy cucumber, a generous sprinkling of crunchy fresh white and red cabbage, and plenty of fresh sliced onions. All for £4.50! They're robbing themselves! If you aren't a chicken tikka fan they also do lamb shish, lemon chicken, masala fish, as well as nasty old donner.

I have eaten plenty of these when I've been sober but after a day on the gauge they are absolute perfection.

Then I go to the bus stop, only to realise that cos it's a Sunday the night buses aren't running! Luckily for me a gadgie asks me what time the buses are, and it turns out he lives near me so we can share a taxi. Even better is the fact that his mate and his horny-looking bewer are going the same way. So I'm in a half-price taxi, looking in the rear-view mirror whilst one of the lads is snogging and fingering the lass, and the other is getting a sly double handful of jug!

To top it all, at the bottom of my road where I get out of the taxi is a garden which has a huge bramble bush, which is growing over the top of the fence. So about fifty delicious brambles later I stagger in through the front door.

I realise that binge drinking makes you forget about the plight of the team you love, until you turn the computer on. All I can say is that whilst the answer might not be at the bottom of a beer glass, looking through the distortion effect of the thick glass bottom makes the league table appear more favourable at this point in time on Ceefax page 326.

Unfortunately I don't think my liver/kidneys would cope with me doing this evey time we lose, so it's up to Danny and the boys to turn things round and GET IT SORTED before I turn into a dribbling, kebab-and-bramble stained drunk.

IT'S ON YOUR SHOULDERS LADS, NOW LETS HAVE THREE POINTS EH?

How the fuck did you write all that at 3.30am?!

I don't know, I'm quite surprised meself.