"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was
only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told
bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City
Hospital.
Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki)
Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a
felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard
tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he
explained.
"As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that
he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come
out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match,
thinking that the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described
what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal
gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr.
Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set
fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the
rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second
degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil,
while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus
and lower intestinal tract.

TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." - Good start.

10. "As usual,Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" - They do this
frequently? (Or, at least they have done this more than once).

9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like
looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars
to stare at the sun.

8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem)
being shot out out the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the
said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into
Kiki's tunnel of love.

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas
in their rectums.

5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are
those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the
Osmond family.

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this
make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome
relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something
like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top
five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
"Idiotic men who shove rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they
were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think
I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac,
anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a
charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old
fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and
saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we have this gerbil
named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...

i nearly needed a new keyboard and monitor due to self propelling coffee

richard gere

Heard it about 10 years ago.

Was the story a 'lovely lovely person' 10 years ago Tree?

Yes.

10 years is the right amount of time for a story being wrote to putting it on a public forum innit? As long as it's not in King John's beer garden.

I knew I had just read this recently, in the book of the Darwin Awards.

http://www.darwinawards.com/legends/legends1998-10.html