Peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the
meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mothercame to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don'tsuppose she took it do you?' 'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter. So he sat down and wrote DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUTTHE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, ANDI'M NOT SAYINGTHAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

It's none of the mothers business though, is it?

So the moral is

The dogs arsehole mouthed old cow should keep her beak out

I know but if she was a Roman Catholic of a certain generation it'd be very difficult to convince her of that.