"bitterly cold wind sweeps in off the North Sea just 500 metres away, making decent football hard to play"

Let's all get the wind excuse ready.

And then Di Matteo "It depends on the weather conditions as well, as if the pitch isn't good it will be tough for us to play our normal style of football."

If our pitch isn't good? We've got the best pitch in the league, they're pitch is a trench compared to our carpet. Our pitch is better than the Wembley one you played on.

don't you just love ignorance? This is an opportunity to get right in their soft southern faces and teach them a lesson.

Danny Wilson, please convey this ignorance to our players at about ten to three today.

Di Matteo will ultimately fail at this level if he continues to be that lazy and wop like, not being racist or owt, but he's Italian so it's probably alright.

I wish the dugouts were still on our side of the pitch.

The club should play along...lifebuoys around the pitch, a flashing high tide warning and warnings about remembering to bring your gun because of the Polar Bears scavenging for food in the car park....

Fucking soft Cockney wankers

It must be difficult for you, I know mate. Tell you what if it makes you feel better I can give you a wave