Ben Alnwick - Premier League, you're having a laugh. You're not even going to make much of a porn star either, trying to unclip bras with your fumbling hands.

Ben Williams - Football League, you're having a laugh. You're too short and too shit. Unless BUPA do "good " implants your professional career is over.

David Raven - You have gone shit again. You are Beharall-esque or worse. Pull your socks up.

Danny Livesey - What the f*** has happened to you? You may have "scored the penalty..." etc but you now resemble the plank you looked like when you first made your debut at Morecambe. I don't give a shit if you don't like Keogh or Ward, pull your f***ing finger out. And get a shave - you have to be good to play with stubble and you're not good any more. And it's ginger.

Richard Keogh - You have a terrible personality. You have to be good and play with authority before you can start rounding on your team mates. You are a bad apple, a stinker, a fly in the ointment, a skidmark in the pants of the club. Your ****ty persona has played a big part in undermining dressing room morale. Shut your f***ing mouth in future and use some shampoo on your lank, greasy locks.

Horwood - So much for Steve Claridge's player to watch this season. You stand accused of being a bottler and a wuss. Your whole future in professional football is hanging by a thread. If you haven't got the courage to be anything more than a part-timer playing in front of a couple of hundred then f*** off to Workington.

MBW - sore toe or not you have been playing like a drain this season. I've watched your career over the years, the odd purple patch and flurry of goals at Port Vale and Bradford, then you go missing for three months. What's the matter with you? Stop making excuses and stand up and be counted.

Paul Thirlwell - what is the difference between you, Mark Summerbell and Richard Prokas? Because at the moment it's not showing. You are clearly failing to inspire the other players and should at least have the decency to offer to resign the captaincy.

Cleveland Taylor - I was on your side but you just aren't doing anything to prove the critics wrong. How can anybody defend you at the moment? You can perform far better in this divison and you know it. Those who said you were shite are being proved correct. If that doesn't spur you on, what will?

Simon Hackney - Where is your God? If your faith is as fragile as your confidence you'll be getting dropped from church too. Can't you imagine that opposing full backs are the devil and accurate crosses represent delivering the zeal of the righteous into the heart of the defence of the wicked or something? You too are looking like a wuss at the moment.

Danny Carlton - It's just not happening. Ask to go on loan to Morecambe.

Michael Bridges - If you're just going to be injured all the time and spent your days swanning about commentating on Hull on 5live and pretending you're part of their Premiership squad then cancel your loan and go back there.

Scott Dobie - You are a massive disappointment and I couldn't give a toss whether you are Cumbrian or not. Personally, I have always thought you are overrated. You have been living off that purple patch when you first went to West Brom for the rest of your career. Forest fans were right about you, it's all well meaning hustle and bustle plus the odd red card but you haven't got the class to score regularly at this level. You're no better than Carlton and I wish we hadn't signed you.

Graham - Good strike rate but still not trying hard enough in games like Hereford where a bit of grit, determination and bottle is needed.

Joyce/Gowling/Campion/Madine - none of you are setting the world alight. If you want to make the breakthrough and continue to have a career in professional football then you need to make better use of the chance you have.

So it's not just us then?

Some fan eh? We will have Danny Graham if they don't want him...

Danny Graham's got 10 so far this season, I'd snap their hands off given half the chance

Doesnt make him any less of a fan.

No, he probably still goes to every game and spends his hard earned cash following his team. But, instead of being hyper-critical I would still prefer to encourage the team I 'support'. Takes all sorts though I suppose...

nothing like a positive veiw of the team this is the best time to play carlisle so im not complaining

Yeah and they need a win so I'm not hopeful. At all.

I dont often if ever say this but I think were gonna win

you're trying to jinx it aren't ya?

just so you can have a go at Wilson.

some people will go to any lengths

Carlisle cant keep losing forever, they've some great players.

I've a horrible feeling they will turn it all around and beat us.

I do hope they don't try to score goals...that might just scupper our ambitions