I was reading one of those free papers on the train and it had as lead article, that a council was asking its staff in parks to ask single men what they were doing in such places by themselves. What the fook is the world coming to when every single bloke is categorised as a potential paedophile...?

so what were you doing in the park

... ...just Google in 'Telford Parks ban' and the evidence will be there before your eyes..... and not your bollox.
Smug mode.

Yeah! Let's start a campaign for blokes to be given the right to perv in parks.

You've tried that 114 times and there was only your name on the petition every time.

This is just the type of campaign for Hartlepool's boldest new publication ... the Daily Oriface

It's all the in Australia. Mark my words, it'll catch on here. My first shop's gonna be on Catcote Road. I'll get the passing school trade.

I dread to think what page three will include... ...and all the other pages come to that

You'll like my weekly "Pervwatch" column.

Each week we nominate our kiddie fiddler of the week, and invite (some would say "urge") his fellow prisoners to give him a good beating. Those who succeed get an ounce of snout for their troubles.

I can see this being big, and huge companies like Dove Energy wanting to do a sponsorship deal.

If past form is anything to go by your horoscope page will pay particular emphasis to Uranus in the ascendancy ...... is Leo your favourite sign?

..and one with a ... crab..... or is it several?...as for Virgo

Big harrdy ha! The old crabs and goats comeback.

Mr I is gonna be my Page 3 hunk.

ADG (wherever he is) is gonna be food critic.

Kev, the agony aunt.

Snowy, the anatomical illustrator.

Sooo. it's Mr I pouting in a leopard skin posing pouch so thin it looks like anal dental floss ...ans we all know Dibble will put 'anything' in his mouth, Kev as the agony aunt?. hmmm, that should cause meltdown on the Samaritans phone lines and I'm the ..... anatomical illustrator...I HOPE THE SUBJECTS WILL BE BREATHING THIS TIME......I should have smelt a rat last time when you said she looked lovely from the top of her head to the label on her big toe

Hold hard there old sailor!!!

I think I would make a pristine agony aunt. I've got bigger tits than Clare Raynor anyway, and I can spout more shite than that fat black lass off the telly and that spotty journalist who shouts at blokes about half ten in the morning even if their lasses have shagged half the town.

I think I'm suitably qualified.

Kev, I'm sorry to have to say this, but try as I might I can't think of a single situation where your advice might be in any way helpful

Like our lass goosestepped into my affections, when it comes to complex relationship bollox I fear you'd be as subtle as the Dambusters ... mind your right about the tits...