Yesterday I went to Mothercare on me dinner hour to see if the baby seat our lass fancied would fit in the car. So I asked the nice woman if she would check the seat out for me.

The only problem was, I'd had a curry the night before, and the gas had been gushing out of me almost every few seconds, including during the 5 minute journey to get to the shop.

I kind of get oblivious to my own methane after a while, but the poor Mothercare employee wasn't. As soon as I opened the car door to position the seat we were both hit by a waft of what can best be described as what a dog would have done after being force-fed onion bhajis for a week.

Unfortunately for her the seat belts took a bit of messing about with, meaning she had to keep her head inside the car longer than she would have liked. But, she was a model professional and didn't mention the stench once. I don't know how she didn't pass out.

And the worst of it was that the seat wouldn't fit properly, so I'll probably get one from somewhere else.

You shuld be careful - blowng like a trumpet is all well and good but if you pump too casually there will come a time when you follow through and cake your duds, and that really isn't good news.....

I have to ration my boffs or my piles give me jip

now you know why we stand opposite sides of the Vic

Mad John wasn't impressed with my Johnny Fartpants antics in the No Rarfs tonight. Mr Anthrax is the worst by a mile, he makes me smell like daffodils in comparison. Or Brut 33.

aaarrrrggghhh smelly vision

Too much roughage lads.

I managed to do it again today! Dropped off a hire car this afternoon, completely forgetting I had been dropping my guts all the way back from Northampton. The hire car gadgie checks round it for dents, then opens the door to check the fuel gauge. Luckily for him it only took a couple of seconds. I really ought to be more careful, or drive with the windows down.

Couldn't you have a non-return valve fitted to your arse..15 mm should do... then connect your ring piece to the engine and Hey Presto...free fuel! 12 miles per poot, no problems.