Beyond Parody III: Wright Cretin [ 25-Sep-04 3:42am ] [ T ] [ G ] [ N ] [ L ]
Iain Wright: I'm fighting predominantly on crime and anti-social behaviour.

Interviewer: But you're in favour of foundation hospitals, war and tuition fees?

Wright: You know, the people of this town want tough measures on anti-social behaviour.

Interviewer: Had you been the MP of Hartlepool, you would happily have voted for foundation hospitals, tuition fees and war in Iraq?

Wright: No, that's irrelevant.

Interviewer: Are you in favour of tuition fees, foundation hospitals and war in Iraq? It's quite a simple question!

Wright: I'm concerned about crime and anti-social behaviour. I'm concerned about crime and anti-social behaviour. I'm concerned about anti-social behaviour. Clk! Whrr!

Good morning, gentlemen. I am a IAN 9000 computer. I became operational at the I.A.N. plant in Hartlepus, Teesside on the 6th of August 2004. My instructor was Mr. Watson, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you...

(Source: the Today Programme)

Tommy Watson says:

He isn't supposed to trouble his little head with things like this, and it is wicked and vile and evil to suggest that it is. It's the job of my and my fellow Bottom Inspectors to trouble it for him.



22-Sep-04

Talking down Hartlepus [ 22-Sep-04 7:12pm ] [ T ] [ G ] [ N ] [ L ]
From the pen of Kaiser Fremp Iain Wright:

Why oh why oh why do the Liberaldem Infidel continue to talk down Hartlepus? Today, the wicked fiend Jody Dung gave a speech in Bournemouth (you won't find Iain Wright me give a speech. Not at a conference, not outside Hartlepus, NOT ANYWHERE!!!!!), in which she almost said:

"Hartlepus is full of naked shouty people with dogs. Naked shouty people with dogs. And lots of crime as well. How I hate it. Bournemouth is so much nicer and if elected I think I'm going to move here instead. But don't tell anyone in Hartlepus I said this - they might not vote for me."

Ha! Caught you out Dung! Now NOONE will vote for you!

I can tell you this: there are no shouty people, no naked people and no dogs in Hartlepus. Not one! The fact she does not know this proves that all she wants to do is talk down the town.

And there is no crime; she is a deceitful, wicked person to suggest that there is. In fact, there is too LITTLE crime in Hartlepus. All the criminals have been scared off by the hordes of teen gangs that swarm around the town.

Just the other day, I saw a mob of 3-4 youths, some as young as 8, loitering around the town. I DARE NOT SPECULATE WHAT WICKED CRIMES THESE HARDENED THUGS WERE INTENDING TO PERFORM!!!! Only New La'abour have the courage to force the police to smash these gangs using whatever means neccessary to ensure they can never loiter again. The wicked Liberaldem Infidel instead want to give these youths crack and heroin and encourage them to run down old age pensioners in Formula One racing cars.

New La'abour want to smash these gangs - and will set up our own vigilante lynch mobs if need be. After all, that is how we deal with our political opponents. That will make Hartlepus safe once again for ordinary, decent criminals. And then we will smash them as well!!!!!!!!

To do anything less is to talk down Hartlepus. And that is wicked and utterly evil.


17-Sep-04

Clarification Part 2 [ 17-Sep-04 2:42am ] [ T ] [ G ] [ N ] [ L ]
For the record, whenever we attack the other candidates for having "London Spin Doctors", we do of course not include professional spin doctors who are resident in Islington and write (Wright? gedditt???) books about viral marketing.

Islington, like West Bromwich, Houghton and Washington, is to be regarded as a suburb of Hartlepool for the purpose of the La'abour election campaign. Except when Liberaldem infidel come from there of course.

Iain Wright's localness has not been compromised in any way whatsoever.


16-Sep-04

Wright throws down the gauntlet [ 16-Sep-04 11:12pm ] [ T ] [ G ] [ N ] [ L ]
You don't get one of these without being extraordinarily, excrutiatingly, possibly illegally, local. Beat that, Dunn!


News from La'abour [ 16-Sep-04 11:12pm ] [ T ] [ G ] [ N ] [ L ]
16 September 2004
For immediate release

Storm over candidate's betrayal of town

La'abour call on Liberaldem to join braying mob

LA'ABOUR'S KAISER FREMP MP has called on the Liberaldem by-election candidate to "prove" she is loyal to the town after it emerged she has put a Hartlepus address on her official nomination papers - which is a bit inconvenient for the La'abour campaign.

La'abour highlighted a copy of an interview Jody Dunn gave to the Teesdale Mercury less than three weeks ago, in which she said "I love living in Gainford and want to have its babies" and indicated she would only move to Hartlepus if she was dragged there by wild horses.

KAISER FREMP MP said: "Jody Dunn may technically live in Hartlepus, but she simply doesn't love it enough. Claims that she does has stretched the bounds of credibility with the people of Hartlepus. They are not mugs they know when they are being taken for a ride.

"Just 20 days ago, Jody Dunn suggested to her local paper that she has sexual fantasies about Gainford. Now she is trying to claim her true love is Hartlepus after all, but she is not fooling anyone.

If 'Jody Come Lately' really loves the town, she should prove it. Kaiser Fremp is organising a mob to go round and rough some Gainford pensioners up a bit, and has formally invited Jody Dunn to participate.

"This is no longer simply a question of whether La'abour are planning to move the local hospital to somewhere else, it is now a question of trusting foreigners and their wicked, immoral ways. The people of Hartlepus have nothing against outsiders, but what they do demand they go back to where they came from."

ENDS

Notes:
1. For the purpose of this election, Kaiser Fremp's constituency of Houghton and Washington is to be regarded as part of Hartlepus. Kaiser Fremp officially speaks on behalf of all Hartlepus residents. That is all.


15-Sep-04

A postcard from Hartlepus [ 15-Sep-04 9:42pm ] [ T ] [ G ] [ N ] [ L ]
I haven't been posting lately because, in recognition of my tremendously successful 27% swing in Hodge Hill, I have been promoted by Tony Blair to the rank of volunteer Bottom Inspector. Truly, Comrade Blair rewards the faithful.

So, in the meantime, I thought I'd hand my blog over to the La'abour campaign team in Hartlepus (which, I must add, I have never been involved with, and only vaguely know, despite the lies spread by the Infidel).

Nadia Ian Wright has been criticised for not having a voice in the campaign. This is ludicrous! Of course he has a voice! He is an independent and astute political genius!!! So I have asked him to say a few words here to defy the sceptics. Over to you Ian:

Look Ma - I'm on t'internet!

Wise words indeed. And now, I will hand over to Kaiser Fremp, our campaign manager in Hartlepus:

The Liberalinfidel bitch queen continues to offend the good people of Hartlepus with her relentless negative campaigning. Today, she has posted a blog entry marked "Canvassing in Dyke House". Clearly she is intimating that all women in Hartlepus are lesbians! Only the other day I met someone who once considered voting Liberaldem but has now said they would never vote for them ever again on the basis that their wife is now in floods of tears. How could they be so disgusting? There are no lesbians in Hartlepus, let me make that perfectly clear.

And what's this? Calling Hartlepus a "waste"? Accusing locals of being "loan sharks"? Are there no depths to which she will sink? Hartlepus residents are up in arms in their millions!

What is worse, she openly brags about her being a wicked drug abuser! "Cake"? Everyone knows what cake is a euphemism for! She is openly consuming cake in a house full of children! And animals!!!

I tell you, these revelations render the entire irrelevant stuff about us moving Hartlepus hospital somewhere else. This is the important stuff that will decide the election.

Anyone would think you don't like the feller Mr I.