I have many jokes about unemployed people but non of them work.

I ordered a pizza, do you want it cutting up in to 6 pieces, no 4 will be ok I couldn’t eat a whole one.

Eggs and bacon walk into a restaurant. The host says, " We don't serve breakfast here. "

Did you hear about the frog that lost its car? Apparently it got toad.

I realised it was the wrong church when when me and the best man looked over our shoulders to see the coffin coming down the aisle.

What do you do if a bird craps on your windscreen?
Don’t ask her out again.

My team lives football, dreams football, eats football, if only in could play football…
Arthur Feethams.

Advice of my dad…..
Remember..it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.

I’ve just read the entire dictionary…turns out the zebra did it.

I’ve just found my CD disc cleaner….get in ….I’m a big fan of theirs.

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating, She's starting to sound like my wife.

What do you call it when a group of apes start a business ?Monkey business

I asked the barmaid for a quickie….the man next to me said ‘it’s pronounced Quiche’.

First, the Doctor gave me the good news, I was going to have a disease named after me…….

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.

What does Pinocchio's wife say to him? " Lie to me! Lie to me ! Please Lie to me! "

New brand of ladies knickers. They're called Greyhound.

They are always half an inch from a hare.

How many cars can you get in pair of women’s knickers………..
About 50,000 corsairs

got the last one eventually.

If you were born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

" I visited my friend in his new apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors. "

" My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back? "

They say laughter is the best medicine, but if you’ve got VD your best sticking with penicillin.

What’s the difference between toast and Italian’s…you can make soldiers out of toast.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I bought her another identical one. She just screamed at me and said: " What am I meant to do with two dead dogs "

" Give it to me ! Give it to me ! she yelled." I'm so wet, give it to me now ! " She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

" I bet you can't tell me something that both makes me both happy and sad at the same time." A husband says to his wife. She thinks for a while then responds, " Your penis is bigger than your brother's ."

How do you embarrass a archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What's the difference between a G- spot and a golf ball? A bloke will actually search for a golf ball.

Dr Dr I've just made love to a big yellow cat - get out you Lion f*cker!

How many cars can you get in pair of women’s knickers………..
About 50,000 corsairs

And one Popular !

Apparently, this joke is actually a true story. It was told by a scouser I work with. He reckons the man in court was his father in law!

Man was in court on a monday morning, the usual faces were all there covered in cuts and bruise, stinking of sick as usual. In the corner was a young girl, dressed to the nines, imaculately dressed, looking very nervous. She stuck out like a sore thumb. He went over to her.

Excuse me love, but you don't look like you should be in here. What are in for, he asked?

GBH she replied.

But you don't look like someone that could hurt someone, what happened?

I'm a hairdresser in the city center. Saturday afternoon this old guy came in for a haircut. I put the cape over him and started to cut his hair. Under the cape I could see his hand moving up and down, up and down. "you dirty old bastard!" and I swung the chair round and punched him in the face, breaking his nose.

Well the judge should take that into account seeing as it's vile sexual conduct.

Not really.........

he was cleaning his glasses!

Whats the difference between Joan of Arc and Noah's Ark


Joan of Arc was Maid of Orleans and Noah's Ark was made of wood

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
" Thanks for coming! "

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus.

How is playing bridge similar to sex ? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

Women are like pianos............when they're not upright they're grand

Girl takes her new boyfriend home and she sneaks in to see if her mam and dad are asleep in bed.
She takes him in and tells him to be very quiet as they’re a bit touchy about bringing lads back.
They get down to business but the lad keeps stopping, losing her rag she asks him what’s up, he said he was busting to go to the loo.
She said it wasn’t possible, the loo’s upstairs, they’d hear..,then told him to go to the kitchen and use the sink…he goes …then returns to say the sinks full of plates…she said “leave them, they’ll make a noise ..I’ll sort ot out later”
He’s in there for a while, so she taps gently on the door to ask him what’s up , he replied ‘“ Where do you keep the toilet paper”.

what happens to you if you mistake your sleeping pills for viagra. you end up having forty wanks.

Driving the car yesterday the car in front stopped suddenly, I ran into the back of it, the driver a dwarf got out, he said I am not happy, I said which are you then ?

A recent poll determined that six out of seven dwarves aren't happy

Read the posts that Loyal posts during and after a Pools game. The very best of comedy gold.

the ultimate guide for young goalkeepers by ben killip. a book that flopped in the sports section but won the book of the year for fiction.