Bloke with rotten teeth goes into the dentist and asks "how much to take out a full set of teeth?"
It's expensive said the dentist. I need a doctor, 2 anethatists, 4 nurses, plus all the painkillers, it's £3,000 plus VAT.
I can't afford that, can you do it any cheaper?
Well I suppose I could do away with the doctor, a couple of nurses and one of the anethatists, then it's £1,500.
I still can't afford that. Cut to the chase, what' the cheapest absolute bottom line you can do it for?
Well, we shut early on a Thursday. I'll stay behind when everyone's gone home and I'll do it on my own, no nurses, no anasthetic or drugs, no paperwork. Cash only, no VAT. But it will be agony, but I'll only charge £300.
I'll take it said the man. Book the wife in for next Thursday!

A woman on a windless hot day see’s a Fan shop at the seaside and decides to buy one.
She asks the owner for a price, the owner shows her a £3k fan of silk but the woman declines it, he shows her the £500 fan, again it’s a no, the £250 fan, no again till gets to the £5 fan and sh’s still not happy and wants something cheaper and offers her the 30p fan and she’s off.
She opens it out and after 5 minutes of vigorous fanning it falls to pieces so she goes back to the shop to complain. The owner listens to her complaining and tells her….’ My dear lady, for 30p …you hold the fan still and shake your head!’

Have you taken your tablets today Accy.

It’s code …..I don’t know what for, but I’ve contacted MI9.5…or was it MFI….

Or was it TFM 95.

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? " I want you inside me"

" Give it to me! Give it to me! " she yelled. " I'm so wet, Give it to me now! " She can scream all she wants, but I'm keeping the umbrella.

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead bastard had a twin.

Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. 

Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. 

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks. 

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. 

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds, coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. 

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" 

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still." 

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. 

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" 

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up." 

Mohammed is higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. 

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: 

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his
climbing.

"No, my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?" 

"Yes, please!" said the man.

God looks behind him, claps his hands, and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!"

A bird shit on my car last night It's the last time I'm taking her out for a meal.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for the family when her daughter walks in " Mother, where do babies come from? " The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, " Well dear, Mummy& Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex," The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, " That means the Daddy puts his penis in the mummy's virginia. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend, " Oh, I see, but the other night when I came in your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? " " Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry. "

A man’s phone rings and he answers it. It’s his wife.
‘Where are you?” she screams down and is quite abusive,.
He says..”Y'know that ring you’ve been after in the Jewellers down the town with the mounted sapphire?
Her attitude suddenly changes…” Have you bought me it?”

“No!! I’m in the pub next door getting pissed!”

Mactee calling me a moron.

Apologies it was BH.

Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad